In sobriety, there are lulls–such as the rather lengthy one I’m going through now–but never lows. I mean, not the kind of lows I had while drinking. In fact, I’d say sobriety is really one (life)long high, with lulls.
Right now, I’m trying to regain some energy or focus or something that I feel I’ve lost. Or, lost within. I’m not off caffeine yet, and I’m still running around (figuratively), doing work to make money and not doing writing to make myself fulfilled.
All in due time. I’m not too worried–it’s always there, and it’ll always come back, if it’s not there right now, the desire or essential nature that drives me to write. Mostly, it requires stillness of mind, of heart, and of body. That is lacking, and in part, it is lacking because I’ve chosen to create a space of constant activity–because writers can be sort of effed up, I’m doing that in order to not HAVE to write. Sad, but true. Still, I want to want to write, if that makes sense.
I just spent most of October traveling, and now, I’m back to my “old” life here and it feels…like it did six months ago. I’m trying not to go there, and to remember that I can change it by staying active. However, at some point, I have to figure out how to balance staying insanely active/busy with sufficient “still” time for reflection and writing. It seems so either/or to me right now, and I’m struggling, I guess, to figure this out.
One thing that I’ve noticed throughout this lull (maybe even depression) is that you CAN, with practice, re-frame your thoughts and thereby, divert your mood. Distractions help, but I’m finding that simply narrowing in on the rogue thoughts and literally thinking myself out of them helps me more than a reward here, a distracting treat there. I need to work and stay on track; I can’t stay on track if I’m thinking things that are making me feel negative (doubting myself, wondering about the future, feeling vexed that I am not writing or creating). So, I try to catch myself and think other things, other outcomes, other possibilities.
I am not on that pink cloud anymore, but I think that’s because I re-entered the world of the living a few years ago, and increasingly, it’s made my life feel normal. Normal is good, though. I’d rather feel normal and be out and about, able to deal with the world; than on a pink cloud, in my imagined bubble.
So, I keep working, and trying to write, through it all. And I hope (believe) that it is or will somehow, some day, be enough. I would never call this a low, though. And I would never want to distract myself from the struggle–which in itself is enlivening because it is an active one, now that I see how I need to use my mind to control its tendencies toward the complicated or negative–with a drink. And, frankly, I look at my old friends and think, how on EARTH could you still be doing that? And, doubly frankly, I wonder, how does it even work on your brain anymore, after all these years (almost 10 years, and definitely 7 or 8, for most of my drinking buddies from the time right before I got sober)???
Time to turn it off and get back to my day. Much love to all. Thanks for reading…! 🙂