I can’t wake up in the mornings. Why? Because I have MAJOR INSOMNIA. Probably not unusual, or interesting, but true. I can’t believe how cliche my detox is!
I am so tired of not being able to sleep, though. It’s exhausting, not being able to sleep! I’m actually coming to dread the hours I have to lie in bed, feeling manic and wanting to get up, wondering how the FUCK long I have to lie there, waiting. And, of course, all the while I’m thinking. Last night it was about the cosmos, the planets and solar system and galaxy and galaxies beyond ours; then it was about human evolution. (Luckily, I had a friend keep me company on the phone, discussing the minute details until he hung up and I remained there, on my back, for at least another few hours, bright-eyed and definitely NOT bushy-tailed.) In fact, I’m starting to develop a dread, a phobia, almost, of going to bed. And, of waking up, since I can’t remember the last time I slept for longer than 2-4 hours in total.
I also wake up every morning feeling hung over. Sick to my stomach. Flu-ish. And tired, so tired. Like, can’t peel my eyes open and can’t manage to hurl my body up and out of the bed without some superhuman force of will. Like, still in detox! Worse, actually, since there’s no accountable reason for feeling as shitty as I do except detox, which I should be WELL out of, going on day 12, right?
But it’s summer, I’m in [cold east coast city], I’ve got limited time in [cold east coast city], I want to start working like I used to work, I really do want to try running or doing yoga in the early mornings (so far that would be me – 0, insomnia/detox – 12); so, I ignore it and move on. (Maybe I’m just tired for other reasons, like, it’s hot, I’m working out a lot more, I’ve got some major decisions on my plate and have been mentally exhausting myself trying to make them. Hmm. Maybe getting sober is simply tiring?)
WHEN DOES IT START TO FEEL GOOD AGAIN, DAMN IT?
Oh, well. At least the nights are getting easier, resisting the cravings, that is. Last night’s (Or was it the night before? The good thing about feeling too tired at night the past few nights is that I have also been too tired to drink!) big revelation was, I have a choice. Yes, I have the CHOICE to drink or to not drink. I don’t HAVE to drink. More on that in a different post.