Hmm. For some reason, I feel at a loss for words. That never happens! I guess I’m doing well, going on 40 days sober tomorrow, and there’s nothing really that dramatic to complain or comment about. OR, maybe I’m at the point where I need to start moving onto step 2, since step 1 — quitting drinking — is complete. Step 2, you say? Well, what do I want to do/should do/can do with my time, my creativity, and my partnerships now that I’m free? Man, I want a drink just thinking about it sometimes. 😉
In a word, though, things are good. Shit’s coming together. And not just because I’m not drinking, but maybe in a larger sense, that’s the main reason things are working out “as planned,” whatever that means.
I’ve been here a week and I haven’t drunk. I’ve wanted to, but like I’ve said, the cravings have subsided and well, whatever remaining urges I have I’ve grown used to resisting. I’ve grown accustomed to being sober — going to bed sober and waking up sober. And, I like it. I like getting shit done. This morning, I got up at 8 am — 8 fucking am on a Saturday! — and a friend took me to a yoga class. I think back to my 5years in [cold east coast city] and wonder, the shit I could’ve gotten done, the life I could’ve led on the weekends if I hadn’t gone out, gotten drunky drunk, and then spent a good portion of the weekends remorseful and hungover. But, past is past and I’m really learning that to dwell, more than ever, is to waste.
I’ve been a lot more productive, too. Like, I’ve finally nailed down some writing work and am, dare I say, on my way to making one of my goals/dreams happen: a freelance science writing career that allows me to read and write, creatively, in my free time. I’ve decided that while I have a huge bucket list of shit I’d like to do at the moment, I need to pick one and go. So, I’ve picked the writing, cuz I figure, if I have a few more years to live, let’s say, what is the one thing I would regret not having given my all at, or at least explored satisfactorily, and that’s writing. Journalistic, creative, whatever. I’m still young enough, I guess, to bounce around, so why not simply up and move to a cheaper place and live, explore, learn — and write. I’ve spent a good many years investing way too much energy on WHERE I’m living (and the “kind” of life I’m leading). Now, I just want to focus on my goals, my dreams, WHAT I’m doing instead of where I’m doing them. Y’know?
Which leads me to my point, if I even had one, related to not drinking anymore: drinking enables procrastination of life. It lets you avoid dealing not only with your past and your present feelings, but also your future. You don’t have to plan; you don’t GET to plan. Every day somehow revolves around drinking and then getting sober. Today, my day is revolving around getting up, doing yoga, enjoying the sun, and hopefully, getting some good writing and reading time in. How strange, I know. It’s not that I’ve NEVER been sober or have spent every day shitfaced, but…it’s a new concept. It’s scary, in a way. You have all this time, all this possibility to embrace. What to do first?