…and I’m seriously not happy about this.
Peer pressure. Fuck me! Well, peer pressure combined with a restlessness that I’m sure I’m blaming on everyone but myself. And I don’t mean to, which makes me feel quite sad with myself. It’s not you, it’s me. For real. Yes, I do feel restless and unsure about the next step(s) in my life, and this is NOT EASY to deal with sober, let alone drunk. Fuck me, though.
So, I don’t have many friends down here and/or a life of my own (if I move down, I think I’ll put more of an effort into seeking this out), so when two girlfriends of my boyfriend popped over and pressured me (Come on, just one glass!) to drink a glass of red with them, I caved. I caved! WTF? They don’t know that I’m trying to get sober, have NO IDEA what a mess I am when it comes to drinkin’, don’t understand (they seem to be still livin’ it up, drinking-wise), and were just trying to be friendly. I can’t believe I took the bait, though, especially after ALL the social gatherings of late (a wedding, for fuck’s sake!) I’ve endured sober. I must be seriously insecure… Or, maybe just searching for a sense of belonging here. But, yeah, that’s how easy it is to relapse, convincing myself that it’s OK to have “just one,” if, like, I really don’t feel like drinking anyway (yeah, right) and I’m at home and it’s safe and I’m with friends.
I might have cracked on my own, though, since I felt bored, bland, restless, lacking in creativity (i.e., have not accomplished much creatively speaking in a long time, which is grinding away at my conscience — more on that later), etc. I mean, I was in a bad mood and wanted to give the finger to it all.
Anyway, it was totally downhill after that first glass…might as well drink another bottle or two, right? Yeah, right. Now? I feel depressed, nothing’s changed, my boyfriend is pissed, I am crushed at my lack of discipline and possibly having let him down/hurt him AGAIN, and well, I feel hung the fuck over. Was it worth it? Of course, it wasn’t.
Suck it and see? Twice now. I don’t want the third time to happen. I just don’t. I guess I simply cannot drink normally. Then again, I always only seem to drink when I feel bad, depressed or frustrated with my life. Maybe it’d turn out differently…NO! It won’t. Like, I was already thinking about the second bottle (not glass, bottle) before I even finished my first glass. That’s just…weird. That’s just compulsion defined, that’s what that is.
I’m worried, actually, what I’ll end up doing these days. Apparently, I didn’t get crazy in front of the girls, but I know my bf is pissed, so maybe I gave him hell in the bedroom before I passed out? Or, maybe I just passed out? Ugh.
Need new coping mechanisms. Really, really do. This shit ain’t working anymore, especially when the drunky drunk time is not fun either (I remember feeling even more restless, pissy, angry, frustrated, sad/depressed while drunk than before I started drinking). Meh.
And, to top it all off, I’m hung over. AND, I have to start over counting days. Which is why this blog is about “getting sober” and not “being sober,” I suppose. Forgive myself and move forward is all I can do…