So, that’s over. I got the recap from my boyfriend, and apparently, nothing irreversibly horrible happened or was done. Yet, as he explained my bizarre behavior, it once again makes me wonder, what is a blackout? Is it me? I mean, really, is this person me? Is the booze shutting off my brain, or certain parts of it, such that I’m literally no longer me? Or is it turning certain deeper, inhibited parts ON such that I’m actually more myself?
I know I need to just forget and stop saying I’m sorry, but the blackouts and the shit I’ve done during them haunt me. I don’t understand them and therefore, can’t really put them behind me. Plus, when you haven’t really done it — if you don’t remember, it is like it never happened, at least to you — how can you gain any kind of closure?
I know I need to make some decisions and get back to work — what is “work,” though? — but I also need to focus on staying sober. Being around people who are drinking, while not innately bad, just doesn’t make it easier for me to keep on keepin’ on. It makes it that much harder to accept being sober, makes it even more of a pain to continue to resist. I know I need to embrace my fears, indecision, and lack of creativity, which is causing my depression. I know I need to embrace the transitions and changes in my life, a big one learning how to live sober. Like, I don’t know how to approach certain situations, life events, and feelings anymore without booze, whether that be actually drinking it or simply thinking about drinking it. I can’t turn to it anymore to ease my stress and/or insecurities surrounding working as a writer; I can’t turn to it anymore to “fix” my fears and/or uncertainties related to dating, love, family, and relationships/friendships. I gotta start from scratch, and that’s just…well, it’s all just a bit much.
Hence, the four hours of rather painful hiking I forced myself to do today, in my hung over state, through the 95-degree heat.
Anyway, I’m so tired and groggy and feeling like hungover ass, so I’ll sign off. My bf and I are going to an AA meeting at 8 am on the beach tomorrow morning. I’ll def keep ya posted on that…