Sorry, this post is going to be a little all over the place, but I only have a few minutes to cover yet a lot more ground, another learning experience, and some new insights. I have to say, this ride is, at the very least, an interesting one!
So, “No, thanks, I’m not drinking”. Well, I don’t think I’ll have to be apologizing (why do I feel like that?) for not drinking around my brother and mom. They are extremely supportive of my quitting drinking, but still. Lots of chatting, eating, and general lounging makes for, well, lots of liquids being consumed. Oh, well, I really, REALLY do not want to be hung over here. Oof. NOT fun at this altitude.
Whew, what a frightfully busy past few days, which I’ll blog more about in detail later. In short:
After my trip to Palm Springs and Joshua Tree National Park (heart), I drove back to LAX on Monday and flew home that night. The next day — my last in [cold west coast city], thankfully — I rented a pickup and hauled some boxes to be shipped to the PO, cleaned, sorted, packed, re-sorted, dumped, left shit in my closet, DRANK, and in general, ended my “tenure” in that town on a very familiar — and depressing — note. I can go into it later, but the most important things are: I survived yet another hefty consumption of wine (two bottles = oof); and then, a VERY long next day packing my luggage, dropping lost/left items off (I passed out on my friend, ended up locking him out, and then had to repair the “damage” done by dropping of his left backpack at his offices downtown before heading to the airport yesterday morning = FUCK), giving up keys, catching cabs, flying, and shuttling in vans before I was able to put my head down on a soft pillow and forget about the night before and the early morning hours of dry heaving over my bathroom sink. (That’s happened a handful of times, and usually only after a LOT of alcohol. The worst part, though? Crying about it, because I felt so helpless. It was quite pitiful. BUT, I felt much better afterward and somehow (read: will of steel) made my way through the day.)
I am at my mom’s, and she’s great. I forgot how NICE it is to talk to her; and really, I must say, I feel relatively comfortable talking about my alcohol addiction. The last time I was here — a year ago? — it was obvious I had one, but I was very jumpy and still in denial. I have learned SO much over the past three months; over the course of my (attempts at) quitting, my acceptance of my addiction, my at least hitting a few AA meetings, my re-evaluation of my life and person and choices — my self-imprisonment, as it were. THE BEST THING ONE CAN DO IS ADMIT SHE/HE HAS A PROBLEM. What a positive thing. For some reason, I’m seeing it much differently; as in, if there is a problem, the first step toward solving it (success!) is finding it, defining it, and putting it into terms that can be worked out. When I look at addiction like that, I see nothing wrong or shameful about admitting you have a problem. The opposite, actually. It’s horrible that our society emphasizes the negative aspects of addiction and other “invisible” psychological illness when it’s recognized, rather than the opposite.
Much more to share, but we’ll be doing some stuff together today and then going over to my brother’s for dinner. While I’m still feeling open and revealing about the drinking thing, I’m not sure how much I’ll want to share again and again — my family, ironically, is a big fan of talking about things, in great and honest detail. (Except for me, who hides and keeps secrets. KEPT secrets.) BUT, I’m going to go in and y’know, tell it with pride and with decision: This is what I’ve done and what I’m aiming for the next few months, and I’m really glad about that and well, if you have your doubts, then have them, but I know I can DO THIS.
Thank you all for being there and listening. You are great friends to have on this journey. 🙂