than they used to, looking out from my childhood bedroom window. (Yes, I stay in the room I slept in from the years 5 to 14 when I come home!)
I grew up on a dairy farm in [Corn Belt state], and I’m staying here for a few days. It’s been over 3 years since I’ve been “home home,” so this feels…good. Necessary. Time.
And, we’re making our way through the “so, you quit drinking” conversations, which tend to get even more awkward still because, well, let’s just say my dad is not the least awkward person in the world or the most expressive. BUT, that’s for another post, and I only have a few minutes before I have to do some work and then head out to see my grandma.
Last night, I got a very nasty Facebook mail from my brother’s girlfriend, I think EVEN TOPPING the level of nasty that I threw her way during my drunken blackout on New Year’s Eve. The fact that she has mental problems is one thing (ironic, isn’t it, that someone would get drunk and call me a “stupid worthless cunt who no man will ever love” and tell me to “die” when what she’s pissed about, supposedly, is me getting drunk and calling her the same kind of names = crazybird). It’s an entirely other thing that my brother made excuses for her, didn’t even apologize, and barely gave me a heads-up to look out for a message from her on FB yesterday when we talked on the phone. Yep, sobriety is a journey, and I don’t hold grudges, BUT…I can say — at least at the moment — that I don’t want her or HIM in my life anymore. At all. And maybe it took this drama and getting sober to realize how spineless and well, pathetic they both seem to have become. (And, it’s not that I’m saying that without having thought loads about it; I think I’ve finally decided that some people are worth it, and some aren’t. And, that includes biological family.)
(Also, I drank non-alcoholic wine the other night, and really didn’t like it. I felt the slightest hint of a buzz, but then I thought it might have been psychosomatic. In any case, I can say, going on day 6 again, I don’t really feel like being buzzed. I didn’t like the feeling the other night, of possibly being buzzed, and I hope that is significant and lasts.)
Wow. I will post a pic or two of the fall colors here. Gorgeous! I know I wasn’t born here, but I am OF here. Heart.