I definitely sense the fact that getting sober and maintaining sobriety only starts after several months of not drinkin’. I drank both yesterday and the night before (two beers, and then two beers, and then two beers), but it’s OK. Onward and upward; I refuse to give up. And the thick, wonderful air of the [beautiful island where I now live]; the lush foilage; the night sky packed with stars; the near-roar of the coqui frogs — these have my back, too. 😉
Anyway, I’m tired and happy and somewhat overwhelmed. Haven’t written in a few days, but that’s more due to the fact of being in literal transit for the past 48 hours than not having a ton to recount, rehash, and wonder about re: sobriety.
Some points I’d like to cover in the next few posts:
1. Making amends with assholes. Seriously. My brother’s girlfriend responded, as I said in another post, viciously to my attempt — a very sincere one — to say I was sorry. I don’t necessarily know how to deal with that. However, now I realize:
2. Sobriety and letting go is REAL. It’s real in that you are clear-headed enough to make a sincere choice to have — or NOT — certain people in your life. Not only do I see what I was, and what I was doing, I see what “they” are and what they’ve been doing. I believe the past however many months of practicing and then actually becoming (becoming is the key word here) sober has lent me a newfound clarity and confidence when it comes to judging situations, making choices, and (more) calmly standing up for what I’m thinking rather than second-guessing myself. I have to stop caring about what others think, even if they’re family, and I have to let people who have equally nasty issues in their lives deal with them on their own. I don’t have to carry their burdens. I can care about them, but I don’t have to carry them. And, I don’t have to take abuse; I can shrug it off and move on, happily. I can choose who remains in my life, just as they can choose whether or not they want to “forgive and forget.”
3. Drinking “normally” again is possible, but I think my choice will be sobriety. I’ve learned so much the past few months, and I’ve become so much stronger, mentally and emotionally, that left at that, it’s almost a no-brainer. The clincher, what really convinces me, is the fact that I really don’t NEED to drink, to alter my reality such that it’s blurred, or “more exciting,” or whatever. Drinking is basically really quite boring.
I drank again, two beers the night before last with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time, then two on the flight from O’Hare to Miami, and then two last night with dinner. I felt really tipsy, and it was irritating. I felt full. I felt somewhat stupid. I wanted to shake it out of my head. And, as is always the case with beer, I can’t do more than two before my brain turns off the “want beer now” switch. Thankfully, I have an off switch when it comes to beer. Anyway…there is just a BIG something to be said for not being beholden to or obsessed by wine. It’s a prison, and this mentality affects every aspect of my day, my mind, and my character.
4. Speaking of characteristics, drinking causes depression. Duh. Yet, overdrinking is definitely circumstantial, too.
5. Fear of intimacy was a huge trigger for me, including relationships and sex. I’ve known this for a long time, but it relates to this fact: getting over what seem to be huge mental and emotional hurdles helps one stay sober in that the process of doing this stuff while sober sort of takes away the obsession (which is based, for me anyway, in fear) to drink.
Enough for tonight. I have to get some rest as this weekend will be more transitioning, unpacking, settling into a new life (gulp). I only cried once since leaving [cold west coast city] last Wednesday — well, twice, but once was crying because my hangover kicked my ass so hard — and that was more a release for the past upsetting week spent with my dad. Lots of weird drama there, but that’s for another post, too.
Good night, friends!