And, the AA meeting was good!

17 Oct

9:13 am

Not much to say beyond that. Sure, I want to drink and no, I don’t believe having people to “call” when I want to down wine is going to help — it never has yet — but I’m willing to give it a shot.

When I shared, I mainly did it to let people know that I wasn’t sure how to proceed after getting sober. And, I’m sad — nay, heartbroken — over losing my go-to coping mechanism. I can’t drink anymore, so now what? Life is grand, so now what? I’ve moved and am working, so now what? For me, being sober and sobriety are two entirely separate realities: like, yeah, of course, two months down the line, three months, four months, whatever it’s been, the cravings have subsided; even the obsession seems to be lifting. That’s because I know that wine isn’t what I really want, or need, and most importantly, no longer does the trick. So, why waste time trying to fix “it” with a broken tool?

(I didn’t always feel this way — see my earlier posts — so I guess that’s progress. BUT, I have made this progress on my own…)

The cravings and the pity party aside, I still look at that first step and go, so, how does this relate to getting sober and Sobriety, with a capital S. Life? Powerless over booze, life unmanageable. Sure. So, maybe I have put down the drink. That doesn’t mean that I have any more answers to my questions to life, to the grind than I ever did or ever will. Does AA provide any more than a community of fellow seekers then?

I am just not sure how free therapy and a fellow community is going to erase my drinking problem. I drink to medicate, as we all do. HOW WILL BITCHING TO OTHERS MAKE THAT GO AWAY? So far, I’ve bitched a lot to others, and while it might make the cravings easier to deal with, it doesn’t take them away. AA is not a cure, then. Perhaps it’s more of a crutch, something to help you manage.

Meh. Getting sober is hard work. Sobriety, then, will be continuous hard work.

Raaaaaaambling. I owe you a bunch of posts, but today I have a full day’s work to do (good) and it’s HOT. I’m not used it yet.

There is an AA meeting at 5:30, so I guess I’ll “plan my day” around that. “Keep coming back.” Blah blah blah. I really don’t feel like going, at this very moment of writing. Oh, well, going to put on a fake face and pretend. I’m a journalist, this is old hat to me! 😉 (Plus, it’s a good way to meet people here, if anything else.)

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11 Responses to “And, the AA meeting was good!”

  1. Just Some Woman October 17, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

    They say go to meetings “especially when you don’t want to”. You’ll usually be glad you did. There is no quick fix. This didn’t all happen overnight and you won’t feel 100 times better overnight. I’ve been where you are and I’m still at the point where I’m a bit jealous of “normal ” people. They can drink but I have a disease that says leave it the fuck alone or I’ll be sorry. I have to listen to that litle voice that says “you crazy bitch do you REALLY want more??” No. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. AA helps me with that. Those people have the same illness as I do and their brains work very similar to mine. Don’t give up , YOU CAN DO THIS. Admitting you can’t do it by yourself takes a little time…

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 19, 2012 at 3:24 pm #

      Haha. That crazy-bitch voice is loud, isn’t it? I went to a meeting, like you said, when I didn’t want to and it did really help. No quick fix, that’s for sure. I don’t, actually, feel jealous of people who drink, at least at the moment, mainly cuz I know how shitty it always turns out and I am loving being present for all my moments these days (and not hung over). WE CAN DO THIS, yes we can! Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment…

  2. sswl October 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    Good you’re giving AA a try. Maybe some of the steps that ask you to look at your past will be helpful. If not, there’re lots of other programs out there, and lots of people who got sober all by themselves.

    The thing is, getting sober because alcohol is wrecking your life is only half the story. The other half is changing some things in your life so you aren’t always wanting to escape it. If you have problems with depression or anxiety, which so many of us do, you have to figure out ways to deal with them–therapy, meditation, running, whatever. If you don’t, you’ll decide sobriety sucks and you might as well drink. If you’re in a lousy marriage, or hate your job, or live with a bunch of strung out people–you have to DO something about those, or you’ll want to drink to get away from them.

    Long-term sobriety offers you hope for a better life, but you still have to work at it. On the other hand, it sure beats the alternative of dying a drunk, and I’m very glad you’re wanting something more.

    • facingfactsaboutmyself October 17, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

      Agree! Being sober is so much than not drinking (otherwise it might be a one step program). You’ve got to face up to your life, your past and learn to move on. Not drinking provides physical benefits pretty early on, but real benefits probably come as you work through yourself.

      Give AA a chance for a while and find your own pace. I only go once or twice a week and I’m not doing step work as such beyond thinking about them. Take care, Paul.

      • Drunky Drunk Girl October 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

        Totally, Paul. Your comment really hits home, as this is the hard part. Once you stop drinking — and stop filling up all the space in your head with drinking, getting through the hangovers, all the mental procrastinating (for me, anyway) — there it all is, ready to flood your head! These days, I am taking solace in the little things, as well as my personal accomplishments. I saw my dad; big check off my list. Did it mend our relationship? No, but I think it started to, and that is one less of a trigger. Thanks for sharing…GREAT work, btw. 🙂

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 19, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

      Again, I should post this as a post on my blog — great comment. For me, drinking is no longer an option, it just doesn’t work. So, that leaves me with figuring out other ways to cope/deal…and then, crafting a life that hopefully packs in as much joy and as little stress/drama as possible. I do realize this, and have made some major changes, which I think are what have helped me to stop drinking for the most part. Yes, still have to work at it, forever, and I guess that is life. Thanks so much for your support. xx

  3. answerswillcome October 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    The way I see it is that the relief is in the steps and AA is the vehicle for that relief. In my mind, one hasn’t “tried” AA unless they have given an honest effort at working the steps. I was skeptical, too, in the beginning but I made the choice to believe what other people were telling me and that was not only would the steps help me stop drinking, but that I would develop spirituality and change my whole outlook on life. Bitching to others will not fix a drinking problem, but the steps can.

    As far as how calling people helps me stay sober, usually if I’m thinking about drinking I’m descending into some form of self-obsession. At its most basic, picking up the phone is a physical action to snap me out of it.

    One thing that has served me well is to stop trying to understand it. I gave up figuring out the hows and whys of AA and agreed to put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. It may sound fantastical, but the 9th step promises are absolutely coming true in spite of myself.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 19, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

      Wow. I think I should feature your comment as a post in itself! I am beginning to see hope in everything you mentioned: relief in AA; “giving in” and simply trying it; stopping fighting my own resistance, even just for a while, and giving it a real go. Intellectually, I understand that calling someone when I want to drink could definitely snap me out of it — good way of putting it. Thanks so much for your comment…

  4. Al K Hall October 17, 2012 at 9:04 pm #

    i don’t want to get all preachy here and there’s a big risk of that because i love to “talk” and i love “AA” so i’ll just try to answer the question in a couple words. For me, the first step was necessary to admit my life had become unmaneagable. i’d always known i was powerless over alcohol, but it wasn’t until i’d hit bottom that i understood this concept of unmanageable. i wanted to stop feeling like i was in a runaway car with no breaks and Step One was me officially saying, “No More”!

    You’re right, though, there are no “answers” in Step 1. They come later, with a lot of meetings and a lot of sharing.

    In the rooms about a month ago, someone shared that he didn’t want his recovery to consist of meetings where everyone just helped everyone stand up. We have to help each other walk and progress and grow.

    AA has made my life better. Hands down. i am much happier now than i was my first day sober 19 months ago. And it keeps getting better. That’s the thing. My life keeps getting better.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 19, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

      Wow, that’s so inspiring! I think I simply have to “give up” (and, man, I’m looking forward to giving up the fight) and go to meetings, to see what all the fuss is about! Almost everyone in AA, like yourself, says that AA made their life better — now THIS is a concept my feeble mind right now can grasp. If something can make my life better, even right now, then I will try and do it. Thanks for sharing with me…it helps. xx

      • Al K Hall October 19, 2012 at 9:06 pm #

        No problem. You are *so* worth it.

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