And, I’m at 30 days today! Yay for me. Now, can we move on?
For some reason, I don’t want to let people at AA know it’s my 30 days today. I might not. I guess it’s just that this is, and always will be — and is becoming more and more so — a private affair. No matter how much talking and sharing there is (I have only shared once here and that was at a women’s meeting; I talk to people AFTER the meetings, and I have made some friends, on a positive note), it’s still private, my own. I don’t care to let anyone know anymore that I’m sober/getting sober, based on the reaction I got this summer when I told people and they reacted negatively or with indifference. I also feel like I’ve come a long way, going to these meetings as a form of therapy: it really doesn’t matter to me if anyone knows, the only pat on the shoulder I need is from myself.
I’ll probably force myself to take the chip and let people know, but… I really don’t want to.
I guess I’m an impatient person; but, when one has a million things to do BESIDES DRINKING — and when one finally realizes this and wants to bust a move and do something about it — going to a meeting and listening to people talk about their “disease” and about “not drinking no matter what;” well, it just seems like a waste of time. And, I find myself having to schedule — and disrupt — my day around it. Like, by the time I get my day rolling, I’ve got to go to this meeting. Which when all is said and done will take three hours, not one, counting driving there, errands (why not, I’m en route), etc.
Whatever. There are much larger things to bitch and moan about, but still. I want to do shit, not heal, damn it! 😉
So, another day where I will have done nothing, really, but hit a meeting and not drink. Well, I walked the dog to the ocean, which was gorgeous (and I was sober and not hung over, which, if I painfully recall, I was the last time I was down at this beach = oof, that hangover hurt like a mofo). In fact, sitting there is going to be a trigger for me, mainly because I want to be doing other stuff that does not involve drinking, talking about drinking, or not drinking.
90 meetings in 90 days? I am definitely counting them down, and don’t plan to go to any more after I hit 90. While it’s helping, I likely would not go if I was only doing it for myself. Luckily, I can think beyond my immediate “wants” again and just do it, even if I don’t really know why.
9 meetings today, 30 days today!
Now, can we move on?