I’m SO tired, so I’ll make it short: today was a very good day, mainly because it was full, it was sober, and it was all OK. I never thought I’d see the day where I could get up at 7, make a meeting by 8, swim by 11, go furniture shopping and grocery shopping and cook and cook some more and talk to my entire family, ALL ON A SUNDAY (“every day is like Sunday, silent and gray”) — and be OK with not drinking during any of it.
MOI? I can’t believe it, but even for me, the mental cravings have diminished to the point of simply putting up with them, like spiders, rather than having to fend off the flailing, wet hands trying to pull me down to the empty grave.
So, yes. Tired, but good tired. And, not at all vexed; it will all get done, it will all work out, and if it doesn’t, then, well, something sure-as-shit-else will! 😉
Seriously. I never in a hundred lifetimes believed that I would be even close to being able to say, I don’t really feel like drinking. But, I don’t. Every day sans The Grape just reinforces that yes, I can make it through the days, the hours, the events, the emotions without drinking. And, I can do it fairly well, not just grinning and bearing it. I never thought the mental cravings would subside to the extent that they have, but, well, they have. Maybe I’ve just shoved them so far down that…? Or, maybe, the “wolf voice” is getting quieter and quieter in favor of the other, stronger “I need to get this done now so please shut it” Buddha voice within?
Rambling. Anyway, this morning, swimming with a new friend who is about 17 years sober, I was like, Ellen, isn’t not drinking enough? I whined, Can’t I just not think about not drinking for a while? Can’t I just not drink? And she was like, That’s exactly what you should do, and I think if you shared that at a meeting, you’d probably get applause. I’ve become tired of thinking about the steps, the confessions, the staring-down-of-self, the wonderings about God and a higher power and What It All Means. I have. So much so that I feel like I’d be bursting everyone’s AA bubble at meetings if I just came out and said, I don’t drink because drinking makes me feel shitty and hung over the next day. Isn’t that enough?
It is. I know it is. I’ll keep going to meetings, but for now, I’m just glad to FINALLY — after almost FIVE months of pretty solid sobriety — feel like I’ve reached the other side and am looking back over my shoulder, panting and breathing a sigh of relief.
Maybe I’ve given up on it working, on it fixing anything, on fixing anything/it? Good. Maybe I’m too tired, or vain (wine gut, hello?) to drink like I used to, which was alcoholically? Great. Maybe I’m just tired of fighting the urge — which actually stresses me out — that comes after the first drink and that I can’t resist so I give up before I try? Fine. Maybe one more hangover might actually, veritably kill me? Yes.
No matter what it is, I am not drinking and not really wanting to drink. And feeling safe in that. Looking back over the trail, marveling at how I got here. The wolf is at bay, licking the dust I kicked into its eye after running it down and stomping on its head.
Good night, friends, and thanks one and all.