So, I ended my last post a few hours ago (no, I don’t really have a life yet, but I’m workin’ on it!) with going to a meeting that I had the gut feeling would turn out to be “weird and awkward.” Now, I don’t really mind weird and awkward — most of journalism is weird and awkward — but, I dunno, I wasn’t really looking forward to it.
Well, as it turns out, the meeting consisted of me and Rick, this old biker dude. Talk about weird and awkward. I made the best of it, though, and thought that maybe this was — wait for it — God’s will/way of telling me to buck up, practice sharing to a party of one, in preparation to start sharing some of my insight at “real” meetings tomorrow. Or, it could have just been a weird and awkward thing that makes a funny story later.
It was good, though, to share. I like hearing myself talk, I cannot lie. AND, I don’t feel nervous the way I do in front of large groups. Something happened to me during grad school and I now have what I would call a physical affliction related to speaking in front of large groups. I literally get so nervous that my heart beats out of my chest, my voice shakes, and I can barely get words out sometimes. It happens unfailingly no matter what the group. It never used to happen. It’s horrible, and physically disturbing. Which means, I find it even that much harder to speak at AA meetings. On the other hand, I have NO qualms talking one-on-one to people about my feelings and experiences regarding drinking. So it goes. We’ll see if I can muster the courage to get over my heart palpitations tomorrow — or soon.
(I also met a neighbor who is a radio journalist down here, and we had a good chat, which he ended by saying, “I’m not really sure why I’m telling you all this, but you seem like a good person.” Whatever is happening here, including the weird and awkward AA meeting that forced me to open up emotionally such that I am attracting others, I like it. I’ll take it!)