60 days of calm, smooth, grateful waters

10 Dec

2:05 am

60 days sober as of today. AGAIN. YAYs, though, to me, for getting here again, living real life along the way, and not really struggling with the cravings as much as I did (they were horrendous, I cannot lie) the first time around this summer. And, yays in that I’ve never gone longer than 60 days and I’m looking forward to seeing what’s lying in wait on the flipside!

And, this time around, there’s nothing that’s going to turn my car back down Drinking Drive. I feel strong, and easy in my sober skin–still hard for me to grasp let alone believe (I’m waiting any day now to feel crawl-y again, but that seems to have disappeared). I don’t want to drink, really; I guess I am healing. Much more than that, though, I don’t want the nonsense, the illness, the weight gain, the remorse and guilt and sense of defeat that comes with drinking. Fuck that! All for a pretty bottle of grape water? Silliness. (Yeah, you should have talked to me when I was walking around [cold west coast city] at midnight in the fog-rain, feeling like the only thing between me and a bottle of wine was time (when the wine stores closed) and staying in literal motion.)

These next few weeks will be busy with work, friends, new friends (I’m trying to reach out more; it’s not easy to want to do that, especially anticipating being sober in social situations), AA meetings, and hopefully, a Christmas tree! I don’t think I’ll have time to drink, thankfully, so no time to think about drinking either.

A random thought: As I was reading the Big Book the other night, I came across a part that was talking about the 5th step, admitting your “drinking shit” to another human being. For all this time, I thought that you had to admit your shit to your sponsor, and to your sponsor ONLY. Um, no! The Big Book says you can do this to/with “another human being.” That could be anyone, right? Yes! And, I’ve done that. I have, to more than one person, actually; which is why AA bothers me so much, because I think, Wait, what? Do I have to go through this again? Really? AGAIN? Maybe that’s why I don’t feel that taken with or beholden to the steps or AA.

Another thought: Is grateful the opposite of envious? As I was walking home from a run/walk the other day, I was thinking about drinking–when the chance comes up at parties or gatherings, and how that makes me feel NOW versus how that made me feel before I quit. Before, my entire experience would have been clouded by “I want what I don’t have” or “I want what they’re having.” Now, I can look at peeps getting drunk on the beach, at a party, and I can see the progression from fake hilarity to fake grandiosity to fake dejection, and I am able to think, “I don’t want what they have” and know it–feel it–to be true. I am content with what I have, which is calmness, a clear head, a genuine sense of time and place, a real (albeit, not as gregarious) smile or laugh. I am, in fact, not envious; I am grateful. I am grateful for WHAT I HAVE, in my head and heart and hand (soda, water, iced tea). I am grateful for this change of mentality, most of all. I really was sort of living in a prison of the mind; a prison of envy, of wanting what I didn’t have, which was to be drunk.

Am I grateful that I can see the clouds and the blue sky but not understand them? Hmm… No. Not yet anyway. ๐Ÿ˜‰

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14 Responses to “60 days of calm, smooth, grateful waters”

  1. Lisa Neumann December 10, 2012 at 7:30 pm #

    Congratulations on your 60 days. L

  2. Belle (Tired2012) December 10, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

    super great congrats to you ๐Ÿ™‚ YOU rock. of course, you already know that. I’ve watched those around me get drunk and i don’t miss it one bit. instead i think things like “buddy, if you could only see a video of yourself right now, you’d never drink again…”

    • Drunky Drunk Girl December 12, 2012 at 5:11 am #

      I know. Drunks are annoying to me now. The most annoying is how loud they are, the second thing is how much they repeat themselves. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks, Belle, couldn’t have done it without you! HUGS.

  3. Lilly December 10, 2012 at 11:37 pm #

    Once again a great post that I needed to read. I keep finding your posts nailing something that I’m struggling with or that’s whirling around in my head when I read them. In this case, all my fears about feeling ‘deprived’ over the holidays and how really I ought to be just feeling grateful instead because, as I posted yesterday, drinking, for people like us, is actually really just not that fun. I am still trying to mentally make that leap concrete so it’s lovely to read you, a bit further down the track right now, who seems to have done just that. Keep focusing on that gratitude and onwards to 90 days ought to be a breeze DESPITE the stupid silly season.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl December 12, 2012 at 5:16 am #

      Thanks! I find some word, phrase, experience to nail what I’m going through, too, on these blogs! As for feeling deprived…well, you can only feel what you’re feeling. And, that’s part of “recovery,” I think, is the *process* of going from feeling deprived (I did, and I still do) to feeling less deprived, and then to feeling something more like “normal”/take-it-or-leave-it toward drinking when you want to! It’s a process, and I think your thoughts change over time, thank GOD! The leap will take care of itself; all you have to do is continue to not drink. It DOES get easier, and so much better, than the first few months. Sounds like you’re doing REALLY well, so congrats! You got this.

  4. findingkitzel December 11, 2012 at 1:19 am #

    Congratulations on your 60 days! Keep coming back!

  5. B. (Below Her Means) December 11, 2012 at 2:49 am #

    So excited for you. I can’t speak for everyone but once I hit 60 days, it got easier and easier. There are still tough moments but for the post part, my drinking self is gone.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl December 12, 2012 at 5:18 am #

      Wow, that’s REALLY encouraging! I’ve never gone beyond 60, so I’m curious — and really hoping it does get easier and easier. Thank you…

  6. themiracleisaroundthecorner December 11, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

    Yeah, 60 days, that is HUGE! I am so happy for you!

  7. mishedup December 14, 2012 at 8:42 am #

    60 days is huge! yeah!

    and know that the 5th step is done after the 4th, where you take complete moral inventory according to the BB…way different then confessing that you partied too hard one night. And while it is great to do it with your sponsor, sometimes people do it with a therapist or a clergy person…just someone you can trust.
    And that all comes after 1, 2 and 3…..one step at a time.

    xo

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