Healing is boring

21 Jan

2:42 am

Or, maybe I’ve just let it bore me, and therefore, define me as “bored.” Who knows, but I’m ready to rock and roll on out of this “thinkin’ about drinkin'” phase.

I feel a lot like my old self, now that I’m well past 90 days–made it to 100 last night. I’ve been having some GREAT days, with lots of coffee, running, swimming, dog walking, cooking, rastafarian food fair-going… What I mean is, I’m not sure how others feel, but quitting drinking has allowed me to literally go back to who I was. Where I left off, so to speak. Ready work, to play, to run around like a chicken with my head cut off again.

Really?, I secretly dig at myself. Or, is it the opposite? I don’t know, and that’s where I’m going to simply have to say, I don’t know myself right now and I’m going to have to live around that fact. Live anyway, y’know? Work, dream, plan, move forward, minute to minute, day to day.

See, I used to have a lot of well-defined needs, wants, and goals. Now, however, I feel like I’m not sure which, if any, of those needs, wants, and goals are even of any value! I think quitting drinking, actually, is but ONE SYMPTOM of the transition that is staring me in the face, like a disease: the disease of mid-life, of mortality. I could not both survive this disease and its symptoms AND drink, so I had to quit. And, now that I’ve quit, I see this crisis for what it is–a lot of work to do, a lot of information to parse. Sigh. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense, which is why I haven’t written in a few days.

All I know is, I’m feeling my way forward, with blinders on, and it’s NOT because I’m drunk and confused. And, I’m starting to feel like my old self, and it doesn’t mean that I want to down two bottles of wine. I might, if given the chance, though; but that’s MY CHOICE.

(Yes, this is the problem of having to go to bed sober; thoughts are still whirring, a lot of them negative, but only YOU can turn them off because you realize they’re meaningless; you can’t use The Wine, and it never did a good job anyway.)

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6 Responses to “Healing is boring”

  1. Lilly January 21, 2013 at 10:21 am #

    As one currently aiming for 100 days as a goal, this is inspiring to read. I am not even sure who my old self would be then – it’d be going back so far pre addictive use of booze and drugs. But I’d love to know what you mean here first hand. So, rock on you at 100 days!

    I wish I had more mental energy to respond intelligently to the more esoteric thoughts in this post re mid life crises and mortality but I’m beat so that’s all I’ve got for now. Well, that and: You rock.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 21, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

      Haha, thanks! We do rock!

      I think I’m finally feeling more in control, over the obsession instead of under it. I mean, my old self, like when I was in college–certain times of my life when I felt SO much possibility, excitement, over what I could do and not ever how much “fun” I would have getting drunk.

      I’ve been feeling a bit down lately. Sure, I’m 100 days sober, and I think the worst is over, but…now what? I have a bunch of life to start living again, and the real work re: THAT hasn’t even begun. I just feel somewhat overwhelmed by the sense that I’m back at square one, sober but with all the same goals, dreams, and work to do.

  2. Lisa Neumann January 21, 2013 at 10:13 pm #

    Makes total sense to me.

  3. sswl January 23, 2013 at 12:03 am #

    So…now that you have a life again, you’re starting to think about what you want to do with it? Sounds good! Take your time, though, and let the new identity emerge. It isn’t always easy or comfortable being an explorer, but you’ll find your way. Look how far you’ve come so far!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 23, 2013 at 11:57 pm #

      “Take your time, though, and let the new identity emerge.”

      GREAT words to live by, for me right now. I am making this one of my new internal mantras… Thank you!!!

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