Lately, I haven’t had the time to continually think about drinking. I have a bunch of posts I’d like to write, and comments I’d like to make, but staying “here,” in this head space–eh, it’s a bit much. Unnecessary, at some point, to keep beating a dead horse, y’know?
I feel “healed” in a certain sense. I don’t go to meetings anymore, and that’s been a great help in allowing me to feel normal again, and not diseased or “broken.” Grasp-y. Overexposed. Judged. That mentality had a huge negative impact on me–in addition to feeling like a piece of shit who was always drunk, I constantly felt ashamed, helpless, and broken, and it was exacerbated by this constant rumination/reflection on being ashamed, helpless, and broken! I’m learning to accept that it’s perfectly OK to not like AA. And, that I don’t have to “save” others in order to be and stay sober. I really don’t. I can, but that’s my choice when/if I want to be of that type of service. It’s a lot of work, being there for someone when you’re your own full-time job. I don’t have to do it, any of it. AND THAT’S OK!
In fact, I think I’m going to have a Big Book burning ceremony soon, just to sort of cleanse that (relatively negative, but not entirely) experience from my bones.
I also feel like I need to focus on training myself to simply enjoy, for three reasons:
– stressing ruins the moment, and all that the moment entails
– stressing takes the “play” out
– stressing messes up my hormones, making things even more unpredictable
I have a lot on my to-do list for 2013 and am feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all, BUT, I’m going to try to keep it simple, take it easy, and stop overthinking. And, drinking? Yep, I’d love a glass of wine (or, would I?), but I have too much to do and being altered or hung over would simply waste more time. It really is that simple–for now. The sober “car”/boulder is rolling, and rolling fast, so watch out! 😉
Off to bed. So tired after trying to understand all the amaze-balls dialogue in ‘Lincoln’ tonight. Tony Kushner is a god.