Pushing my sober boulder uphill past few weeks

23 Jan

4:47 pm

So, as you may know, I’m going on 15 weeks of sobriety tomorrow–90 days plus 2 weeks. And, let me tell you, the past 2 weeks have been hard. I’ve felt so lethargic, mainly due to the slightly overwhelming number of things I now feel I have to start on. Resume.

And, I’ve been leading full days, too (well, full for me right now): walking the dogs, working out, closing several editing projects. Yet…there’s so much more to do!

Now that I’m sober…I should (want to) start some “beat” science and health reporting around the island. (In process today. We’ll see where my footsteps lead…)

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) re-apply to some public health master’s programs and/or re-visit my deferment at a school down south.

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) invite peeps down here to vacay, and make a trip back up to [cold east coast city] to reconnect.

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) start on/re-visit some personal writing projects; I’d be heartbroken if I didn’t at least TRY to do something with/about them. (The truth will set you free, right?)

Now that I’m sober, I should (want to) come to some sort of…resolution?…about starting a family. I sense it’s something I can no longer reasonably put off. (Well, maybe one more year… πŸ˜‰ )

Now that I’m sober…the list goes on and on.

I want to and feel excited about the future and the work that lies ahead, but I’m tired, too. Mentally. I guess staying sober IS a full-time job, mentally and emotionally. It has been for me. At the same time, I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels, spending all my time getting up the energy to do stuff and not executing. I want to, sure, but my body is like, Oh, what? I guess it’s still Fake It Till Ya Make It hour, but I’m wondering, when does that turn into Make It?

So, I’ve been pushing that boulder, and having no time or energy really to think about drinking–the more I think at all, the more things I come up with to put on my to-do list. So it goes. Sigh.

Then, I force myself into “mantra mode:”

One day at at time
Give your MIND time to heal, and not just your body
You’ve accomplished SO MUCH getting sober, probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do–so be proud, take stock, and build on that
Be patient
Stay on track

The last is a big one. Just because my thoughts and feelings are bringing me into the center of a mental black hole, doesn’t mean I have to let them. Sit back and watch them pass. They will. And, don’t react to anything. Just sit back, grind it out if need be (you can do it, you really can), and let them go. And, they will. Annnnnnd, then it’s back to your regularly scheduled PLUGGING and PLODDING, which are, by the way, AMAZING programs. Have you seen them? If not, you should. πŸ˜‰

Time to get to work, I suppose. Poor old me, with all these CHOICES and OPPORTUNITIES. (For me, remembering that I bring on a lot of my stress due to overthinking and overplanning, due to expectations and self-judgments–it helps to remember that all these ideas and choices and things to do are GOOD, nothing is BAD, and no one is out to get me, beat me, or otherwise hurt me. Unless we’re talking about journalistic colleagues and people I’ve hurt while drunk, but I’m going to ignore the fact that I have very real enemies and pretend everyone is riding a unicorn with sparkly teeth, just like mine.)

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13 Responses to “Pushing my sober boulder uphill past few weeks”

  1. themiracleisaroundthecorner January 23, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    I’m free to take a vacation if you need to give it a test run! Just kidding, but, more seriously, you absolutely need to relax. At that time of my sobriety, simply staying sober was enough for me, and if I got more done, so much the better, but if I did not… well, at least I was sober. And with that attitude, slowly but surely my energy came back, and my motivation, and things that used to to tire me out just thinking about them somehow got done without my even noticing… and that’s a miracle that I promise is right around the corner!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 24, 2013 at 12:00 am #

      Haha. I need to chill, I KNOW! I think I’m just becoming impatient as I see that I’m feeling better, less woe-is-me, and ready to get back to work. BUT, at the same time, I’d love to just continue to plug away, and not put all that pressure on myself again. Break that cycle, y’know? I can, I just have to let myself.

      The passion…it’s not there yet, admittedly. SO, your words, that the miracle is right around the corner, without me having to try? Sounds amazing, and I cannot wait… Thank you for your comment…

  2. Mrs D January 23, 2013 at 10:59 pm #

    Who says? Who says you should (want to)? I say chill out, lay low, mooch around, do whatever, just don’t drink!, and this will pass. Sometimes just waiting for time to pass is the best thing of all. You’re doing so great – congrats on 90 + 2 weeks. xxx

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 24, 2013 at 12:02 am #

      Thank you, Mrs. D. Words to live by, for me right now. And, I don’t think my body is going to let me get away with pushing or rushing, at least not right now, so there’s that. Thank you so much… xx

  3. Lilly January 23, 2013 at 11:22 pm #

    YEAH! Second what Mrs D said. 90 days plus two weeks is fabulous but it is still early days in the grand scheme of things. I think you are being too hard on yourself and maybe it’s time to, yes, step back, breath deep, tell yourself it’s OK if you DON’T give a shit, really, about some of this stuff for awhile. The fact that it’s all there now means that one day, when you’re ready and recovered enough, your genuine energy and passion for it all will return in full force. In the meantime, by trying to force it and beating yourself up over it, you are probably only getting in your own way.

    Think about this – what if it took an entire YEAR before you really felt ready to tackle all this? A year in which you got sober and centered and healed your body, mind and soul. Would that really be so bad? Compared to all the years you spent drinking?

    Massive hugs babe.

    Lilly x

    • Drunky Drunk Girl January 24, 2013 at 12:06 am #

      A year? Sounds FANTASTIC! I simply need to break my cycle (pushing myself despite not wanting to and not feeling the passion) and well, try to be someone new! That’s why we’re quitting drinking, right? Old me would throw myself back into work that I might still find boring or uninspiring or unfulfilling, maybe to make money, maybe to just scratch my “itch” of needing to feel “productive.” New me? Listen to myself and like you said, give myself that time to heal. Maybe a year, maybe more.

      Also, I do think that what you said is spot on: it’s all there, and it’ll be there when I’m ready to tackle it.

      Major hugs back atcha! Feel better, and hooray for your sober days!

  4. Lilly January 24, 2013 at 1:07 am #

    Yes, it is all there inside you and within your reach. When you are genuinely ready to tackle it I have no doubt you will full bore. And it will be so much more rewarding and productive than if you’re doing it when it feels like pushing that boulder uphill reluctantly. I think you need to keep focusing on the key stuff for now – being sober, finding yourself sober, feeling better.

    And in another reminder of why commenting on someone else’s shit can be selfishly useful, after I wrote that to you I started reflecting on the idea of that year for myself. Like you I have soooooooooo many things I feel I should (want to) do and need to do and change and fix. Buuuuuutttt I probably just really need to give myself time and space to do this and heal and find my feet sober and if that takes all my energy for a year well so fucking be it.

    Easier said than done for us self-critical (wannabe) over achieving types though, huh?

    And thanks πŸ™‚ I’m still sick but on the mend.

    Day 12!

    xx

    • Popadopolis January 24, 2013 at 4:40 pm #

      Over achieving alcoholics…. I have no clue what you are talking about /sarcasm/

      Even though I had many things I wanted to tackle in my first year clean/sober I focused on building a foundation of recovery that would last a lifetime. Not that I was looking ahead, and projecting long term recovery, just laying a foundation that would last. Like any building, we don’t build them thinking they will fall down tomorrow, nor do we anticipate every storm that may come and tear it down. Simply put we put in the work early in order to be best prepared for the storms of tomorrow, and do the best we can today, and just for today, because its all we really have. 90 days is a big deal and in the eyes of someone like me when I was sitting in my first meeting, I could not believe that people just didn’t drink for that long. Was amazing to me and I actually thought they were full of crap – lol.

      Focus on the foundation and trust me, a life long journey filled with the many things you want to accomplish will come – loved reading you blogs! Keep coming back, it works! (especially if you don’t drink or use drugs in between)

      -Pops-

      • Drunky Drunk Girl January 27, 2013 at 11:45 pm #

        THANKS, Pops! You’re right: foundation first, above all else. The rest will come. I’ve heard it from others and I am trusting that it’s true and all good things will come with time and patience…and staying committed to not using wine as a way to cope with well, my overachieving kukoo-headedness! πŸ˜‰

  5. carrythemessage January 28, 2013 at 1:53 am #

    Great post, and congrats on your sober time. I remember seeing people at 90 days and wondering what *planet* they were from, because no one in my little world doesn’t stay sober that long! But what you said about thoughts was bang on – thoughts and feelings pass, like clouds. We can watch them, not judge them, and see them pass by. I get dumb, strange, weird thoughts all the time. I just don’t act on them. It’s how I react to these thoughts that determine where I go with them. I used to panic when I first got sober when thoughts of not only drinking, but other detrimental or sabotaging ideas, invaded my space. I didn’t realize then that I could just let them be – who knew that? But it becomes second nature after a while and it helps when things really hit the fan.

    Cheers πŸ™‚

    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl February 3, 2013 at 5:59 am #

      Hi, Paul,
      Thanks so much for this! I really enjoy reading your blog, it’s honest. Anyway, yeah, the thoughts, always invading my head! Sometimes it just feels like constant work, in addition to like, your actual day and work and life! But, practice makes perfect, and I’m never going to learn to live again, “normally,” if I don’t learn to simply ignore, avoid, or let pass all these (usually negative) thoughts and feelings.
      Thanks again…
      -DDG

  6. sarahbuzzkill February 1, 2013 at 4:03 am #

    I used to think it would get easier, doing the internal work as you go is the route to take, and I do addictions work. Professionally…have you tried meditating, if you’re into neuroscience and really taking a look at making some of this easier on yourself, try Get High Now, you can go to the site, play around with it, I like the audio clips, it explains how it works as you go, I made a very clear picture of what I want my life to look like and I picture it and focus on my breathing, or even how my day will go. If I’m feelin’ shitty and in a whack mood-I just visualize colors. It always seemed kinda lame but you really force your brain into a calmer state-in the Theta State. Check that out, give it a whirl. -A friend of mine who I love very much also encouraged me, actually made me promise to start juicing, I juice twice a day, they have some badass recipes that will help you feel energized, it’s like you can feel the change in your bloodstream. -Congrats on all of your self work. Sending you lots of good energy and all that hippie shit. xo

    • Drunky Drunk Girl February 3, 2013 at 6:37 am #

      Thank you so much for all the tips and advice. I am lazy when it comes to meditating, but I think I’m on the verge of giving it a real go. I love the visualizing colors thing–interesting. And, yes, I’ve been trying to improve my diet, but could do a lot better at it, so thanks for the reminder: some of it might just be a matter of nutrition in the face of healing the years of abuse! Thank you… xxx

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