Yup, that’s what I miss. I used to do it nightly–it was my break, my reprieve, the end of my day. Me time. Only, if I didn’t watch out, something would end up destroyed–a cell phone, a laptop, a friendship, my tenancy (I used to sing along to music, talk really loudly to myself, or turn into a raging lunatic and wake my neighbors, who would call my super, who would stop by and knock on my door to tell me to shut the fuck up).
Wait. I MISS THAT DRAMA?
Anyway… Now? Now I watch them without booze and I remember what I’ve seen and I get to go to bed sober and wake up sober, and not hung over. Plain and simple.
I have to say, sometimes I’m not feeling this blog anymore. I’ll keep writing, don’t worry. But mainly–and this is why I think meetings make me want to cry/pull my hair out/stab my eyes–I just don’t think reveling in where you’ve been is all that helpful. TO ME. (I also decided early on that “being there” for other drunks in the rooms was something I did not have it in me to do at the time, so…that aspect was something I purposefully rejected.) Recovery is just one step of sobriety, and not a very interesting one, in my mind. I mean, sure, I’m recovering from my idea of how to drink, and from my emotional and psychological dependence on drinking. Sure, I’m doing that, and I do that every minute of every day…
Did I have to blog about every aspect of my life before I became someone who drinks alcoholically, all of which seemed much more tolerable but probably wasn’t? Did I just “unlearn” how to deal responsibly and reasonably with life–good old life, which everyone has to figure out how to live? Is recovery simply re-learning what you knew? For me, in a sense, it has been.
I’ve said it before: there is a huge difference between referring to oneself as an alcoholic and as someone who drinks/drank alcoholically. AA seems to prefer the former, and I prefer the latter.
Sure, I’d love a glass of red wine right now, but really, would I? That question, even, becomes moot when I then think ahead to the next day if I drink that glass–I will feel like ass, be hung over and not get anything done, and jeopardize my work, my earnings, and my credibility, somehow and in some way. I do not WANT to feel like ass, etc. I really, really, really don’t want, any longer, to feel like ass, etc. To me, recovery is actually a recovering of sanity, of sensibility toward when and how to drink. There comes a point when you’ve RECOVERED.
It’s why I found meetings ridiculous (literally) after a certain point–it only took me a few months to realize that the method was harmful to me, not helpful (as in, I wanted to drink after meetings because they made me feel bad). That being said, they help some folks, and others dig hashing over the same garbage. Still others understand that helping newbies (like myself 4.5 months ago) actually helps them–not to mention, I’m sure glad that they were there for me in the beginning.
Do I have to keep coming back? No. Can I drink wine and watch movies? No. Am I recovered? I think so, partly. Maybe. Sort of.
And, the solution to all this nonsense is to simply Go To Bed. Good night, friends!