Who’s up for a boat trip without booze? I am, I am!

4 Feb

10:16 pm

Well, folks, it happened: I made it through an event–said boat trip to a neighboring island with a gang of drinkin’ buddies–with smoking and drinking all around the entire day, did not partake, and felt amazing the entire time! Like, comfortable just being there and not inhaling smoke and not sucking down liquids (other than Diet Coke). Sure, sometimes I felt like the old woman who wears purple, and that sucked a little. Otherwise, I felt great. And grateful.

It wasn’t that hard, for some reason. And, I had a lot of fun! And, from what I could tell (more on this qualifier below), I didn’t feel awkward or weird; in fact, I mostly felt SUPER-grateful to not be hung over. Last year, I went on a boat trip that was nightmarishly hard, mainly because I got belligerent drunk the night before and was SO hung over I wanted to die. That was a year ago, if that gives you any indication of how bad I felt–and therefore, how grateful I was yesterday.

Yes, it was GOOD to be sober, to be clear, to feel none of the sway and sleepy nausea of being drunk in the sun (how do people drink during the day? I never could, actually, without feeling horrible), to know that I wasn’t going to feel any of it the next day. One big, Ahhhhhhhh.

What WAS hard was hearing today at my NSA (network spinal analysis–I got a gift certificate so figured I’d check it out) appointment that my entire spine, from top to bottom, is in fight-or-flight mode. For the most part, that means locked up, and the muscles around the cord, firing constantly (no wonder I have pain and no wonder I’m tired all the time). The way the analyst put it, it’s like walking around with my arms extended the whole day.

I’ve always carried a lot of tension in my back. It’s where I store my emotional “trauma,” as well as how I “hide.” I can’t help some of it–ingrained response of an incurable introvert. For the past oh, 5 months or so, though, it’s been getting noticeably worse. And, its worsening condition seems to coincide precisely with my soberversary. Could it be that the more I’m sober–the more I have to deal with shit instead of escaping from it–the more I’m actually causing my body to tense up and freak out? I think so.

It sucks. It’s made me wonder if drinking wasn’t so bad after all? I mean, we all have past trauma and present anxiety, and it’s HARD to deal with it nonstop. Hard. I don’t get to wipe it away, even for a few hours. And, there is something to a hangover wherein your body just melts, stops resisting. Like, you don’t have the resources to keep your defenses up, so you actually let them down for however long it takes to get over it. There were times when I was CERTAIN that I’d never felt better the next day than after a few shots of tequila and a burger the night before (though, in those days, I hadn’t also drunk two bottles of wine). Seriously.

I wish I could turn it off, but I can’t. And, with the stress of transitions galore, and being sober and having to confront reality every second of every day… Well, I guess I’m going to have to focus on making some of my new coping mechanisms work–meditation, diverting my attention to the bigger picture/positive, etc. That is, until I can see that life isn’t supposed to be all about “getting through” it.

Sigh. What with all this mental and physical, let’s face it, PAIN–sometimes I actually look forward to shedding my physical body. This mortal coil. This pain in my ass that doesn’t seem to know how to BE in this material reality and go with its grain. All my life it’s been this way, fidgeting in my own skin. I’m TIRED of it. I’m OVER it. It doesn’t seem to get easier, it just seems to go in and out, shape-shifting from one form of expression (pain here, addictive behavior there) to another.

Oh, sparkle-toothed unicorn, where art thou?

Anyway, there I go again. Focus on the positive, remember? Coming up on 17 weeks sober this Thursday. πŸ™‚

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8 Responses to “Who’s up for a boat trip without booze? I am, I am!”

  1. Mrs D February 5, 2013 at 3:01 am #

    Sorry to hear about your back.. but that is fabulous news about the boat trip! Yes!! Fabulous. You’re doing great xxx

  2. carrythemessage February 5, 2013 at 3:30 am #

    Congrats on getting through that trip without being in any sort of manic freak mode or introverted weirdness (I was always rather fond of the latter). These things get easier, the more we get in social situations with alcohol around. And more so if those there know and understand where you’re at.

    As for the back pain – I am a firm believer that our bodies hold memories and as you have seen, pain. Some of it is instinctual (like the fight-or-flight you mentioned) and some of it I feel is from the years of emotional wear and tear. Our bodies hold the things what we sometimes forget. Ever had a massage and then wanted to cry after it? I have – something was released in me that I forgot or didn’t know I was carrying around.

    Meditation helps with the body and mind relaxing. It takes time though. We can’t release all this over night. You may feel that the pain in your back and the pain your body holds can be too much – perhaps relaxing it with booze isn’t such a bad thing…but remember all the damage alcohol does to our body in the long run.

    But gratitude. That’s the key! Helps the spirit, the body and the mind…and emotions. All interconnected.

    Like Mrs. D says – you’re doing great. Keep it up πŸ™‚

    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl February 7, 2013 at 1:52 am #

      Thanks, Paul…another awesome comment! I have had many massages–and especially acupuncture treatments–that have left me bawling on the table. And then, pure relaxation, like I let out a ton of “stuff” in the form of…tension, really. Yah, it’s crazy to think about how we store bad experiences, as well as toxic consumption of booze, in our cells!

      xx

  3. Lisa Neumann February 5, 2013 at 10:23 pm #

    Remind me of the ‘sparkle toothed unicorn’ again ?? I know, I know, I asked last year too.
    On another note: I love “This mortal coil.” and I relate to you as best one might dare to suggest. And yes, the meditation helps. !7 weeks … so proud of you and you’re not even mine to be proud of. Three cheers for DDD … hip hip hooray, hhh, hhh πŸ™‚

    • Drunky Drunk Girl February 7, 2013 at 1:57 am #

      Haha. A sparkle-toothed unicorn is pulling my water wagon (instead of a horse). She has glitter in her mane and gallops ferociously along a silver beach–when I’m sober, that is. When I’m drunk and/or hung over, she’s nowhere to be found, scared out of her wits no doubt. Poor girl. πŸ˜‰

      Yup, 17 weeks. Luckily, I have a bunch of stuff to do this week; that’s what helps me stay sober, at least for now.

      Thank you! xxx

  4. Al K Hall February 8, 2013 at 11:30 am #

    Congrats on the boat trip! i’m sure i’d be able to stay sober during such an excursion, but i’m not sure i would enjoy it. Keep up the good work!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl February 10, 2013 at 11:38 pm #

      Thanks, Al! Yes, it was OK…and, I can honestly say, I didn’t miss the feeling of being drunk in the sun. Tiring…

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