Here’s to the 12-to-20-weeks window closing!

21 Feb

1:09 am

Almost, that is. I’m at 19 weeks today, and it keeps hitting me how FAST weeks go. Even though I’m still counting days, weeks are flying by! UGH! I have so much to do, but as I’ve moaned before, I just can’t seem to do things with as much speed, efficiency, and/or oomph as I used to. I still do as much as I can, but…it takes longer. I feel like my brain AND body are going in slow motion. S…L…O…W. M…O…T…I…O…N.

Weeks are going faster than ever before, yet… I still have cravings. I’d say they’re there, all day, every day. I’m still wondering, OK, so when can I drink again? Not loud, barely a whisper, but there. All the time.

Today, though, I felt a shift. Very slight, but I felt it. Like, a breath released. A giving in. Or maybe, a newfound perseverance to keep going. I mean, I’ve had major pangs since I hit 90 days. Yet, I know I HAVE to stay sober through the weekend, which puts me at likely standing my ground through the end of the month. Which will put me at 20 weeks… And, I see that 20 weeks is 140 days, which is ONLY about a month from the next big goal, 6 months. And really, I quit drinkin’ on June 13th last year (with, of course, a few times falling off the water wagon, but if I count them, less than 10-15 days of actual drinking during those weeks), so…only 2 more months after that until my “year” anniversary.

I can do this, sure. I know I can. But today, I kind of felt a shift, a giving in–like, resting my head on the shoulder instead of pushing it away, craning my neck in fear that I might get cooties or worse, like it.

I WANT to do this. Say what?

What I know now is that I want to not have hangovers more than I want to drink. Period. Hangovers, for me at 38, equal a bad, bad time. BAAAAD. They are unbearable, mentally and physically. AND, most importantly to my point here, I get fuck all done on those days. Right now, and since last summer, I haven’t had time to be hung over. Literally. I haven’t had the time as I can’t afford to jeopardize my goals. Like, I can’t afford to not get my shit done. So, the choice isn’t actually there anymore for me. Or, rather, it is: drink and jeopardize everything you have going for you now, and everything you want to have going for you; or, don’t. The difference now is, it’s MUCH easier to resist the “wolf voice” with rational thought than it was even last week, let alone months ago. Thank God(dess).

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5 Responses to “Here’s to the 12-to-20-weeks window closing!”

  1. Amy February 21, 2013 at 11:33 am #

    Hangovers at 41 are even worse. 🙂

    • Lily February 21, 2013 at 7:48 pm #

      Try hangovers at 57 lol

  2. Mrs D February 21, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

    You just keep angrily pushing those pangs away and eventually they will get the message. Mine are few and far between now, but they do come. Fuck them, I say. Fuck them! Congrats on your 19 weeks – huge achievement!!!!! There are a lot of people who would love to be in your shoes right now, so go happily through your day feeling great, you deserve all the accolades in the world (and maybe a sneaky chocolate bar or lovely bubble bath) xxx

  3. carrythemessage February 22, 2013 at 5:07 am #

    Glad to hear that you’re slapping away the voice. It’s quite the siren call. 19 weeks is fantastic! The funny thing happened to me after 6 months – I stopped counting days and weeks. Then after about 8 months I stopped counting months. Not because I took my sobriety for granted, but I was too damn busy with life to keep track! If you had told me that as I counted *minutes* and *hours* in those first few days, I would have laughed at you.

    Amazing how things change – our bodies, our minds, our perspective, our emotions – as we get further from our last drink.

    Wonderful stuff!

    Paul

  4. Belle (Tired2012) February 22, 2013 at 10:05 am #

    i agree with paul, now that i’m nearly 8 months i’m hardly paying attention unless i feel like i deserve a present some kind, then i check my dates and say “you can buy this b/c you’re 8 months” etc. i have also experienced the same shift this week, i was wondering if it’s the season, or the increased daylight, or the blessings of a few sunny days. but you’re right, it’s probably just the shift in knowing that i’m OK just like this. don’t gotta change nothing. just do this. again tomorrow… fuck that’s soooo much easier than the alternative…

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