I’m coming out…

16 Mar

10:42 pm

soon. Very, very soon. I think. I guess.

Lately–well, today especially–I’ve been feeling like I need to get out more. I do, it’s true. I work from home, I have no professional network down here, and I’ve perhaps become complacent in having my boyfriend as my sole/primary source of social life.

The thing is, I don’t know how to be all that “social” without drinking. And, if I do recall, I didn’t want to drink with others not just because I didn’t want to drink like a lady, but because I just liked being alone. Sober or drunk, I like being alone. In fact, I’ve spent a LOT of days, nights, weeks, years–as a journalist, as a drinker, as a 20- and 30-something–getting to know other people. I’m kind of digging getting to know myself. Spending all my time with myself. I feel like people want me to apologize for this, and it pisses me off.

I’m not going to apologize, and I’ve been doing my thang long enough to know that it’s quite all right to let what other people think I should be doing with my time go in one ear and out the other. I have been ignoring the crowds since I was a kid, and it’s never made me feel “happy,” but I’m not necessarily seeking happiness rather contentment, peace, creative expression.

It also bugs me when “grownups” think it’s all about them. Just because I’m not hanging out with you doesn’t mean I don’t like you and/or I don’t want to hang out with you. Maybe I’m, y’know, getting sober and going through my own shit? Did you ever ask, or wonder? Maybe I’m going through my own awkward time figuring out how and what to do as a sociable sober person. Bottom line is, it has NOTHING to do with you.

Luckily, for some reason, getting sober has allowed me to take a big step back and give–excuse my French–much, MUCH less of a fuck about other people’s drama and bullshit. I don’t need to get upset; I really don’t allow myself. And this, somehow, is happening without much effort on my part.

What’s more, I feel like enough of a loser sometimes because I don’t socialize, but even more because I don’t want to, as a sober person. And now I have to defend myself against people who force me to be the empathetic one and lay out gently but non-offensively what *they’re* missing and how *their* reaction is not acceptable to me?

Not a good way to end my otherwise good day (I pulled myself through a 6-mile run, and am now feeling relatively pain-free, so that’s A+-awesome!). I wanted to drink over it tonight. I looked at the calendar and realized that I’m probably, deep down, just waiting for the night I allow myself to drink again. (For the record, I would have zero desire to go to the bar to do it!) Am I simply living the same way, just not drinking? Have I made any progress then?

Yeah, I do “need to get out more,” but I refuse to pressure myself right now. I don’t care what anyone else or the little voice inside my head is saying–talk to the hand, bitches! šŸ™‚

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6 Responses to “I’m coming out…”

  1. carrythemessage March 17, 2013 at 3:08 am #

    You have a lot going on there, but I think you answer a lot of your own questions and you lay out the path you need to take in a no prisoners way. And for that, it’s wonderful to see this growth spurt.

    And here’s the thing – I am very much like you in many ways. I have been a solo kind of guy before I drank and when I drank and a bit less so in recovery. I would say that right now, I am about as chatty and social and confident than I have ever been, which means that really, compared to normal folks, I am still quiet and introverted. But for me it’s a big difference. I still don’t say much and I love my time alone. I have questioned in the past if I should be more “out there”…but in the end, I have to listen to my own voice. And my voice says to chillax.

    As you so rightly claim, you don’t have to take on anyone’s drama. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. It’s none of their business. You don’t have to take on the role of people pleaser. You don’t have to go and do things that go against the grain of who you are becoming. You don’t have to go where you are expected to play and be the life of the party when you just want to live life. You are you right now, and you are healing. I cocooned for a long time, and it took me time to change things and to readjust to life with a new set of glasses. So if that is where you are at, then that is it.

    Your job is to not let this piss you off. Your job is to not let this get you to pick up. Your job is to continue to grow into yourself and who you were meant to be, not what other people want you to be. Your job is to be you. And you’re doing it.

    Anger can be a dangerous luxury for us alcoholics and those with alcohol dependency. It takes me out of me, and distracts me from doing what I need to do. Healthy boundaries is something that I had to learn to put up and stick too. The ironic thing is that boundaries are freeing. They free me from anger, from others, from other drama, from being trampled on.

    You’re doing great. You’re seeing the lessons that I saw and walked through not even that long ago. You’re becoming more self-aware.

    And I guess the question remains – when are we wanting to be alone in a healthy way and when are we isolating?

    Loved your post šŸ™‚

    Love and Light,

    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 17, 2013 at 4:26 am #

      Thanks so so much, Paul–another amazing and insightful comment. Yes, boundaries. I have always, I guess when it boils down to it, had a very hard time setting them, saying no, not feeling guilty about not pleasing people. And, you’re right: my job is to not let it make me angry, or feel anything negative. Again, thank you for your insight and healing words! xx

  2. Amy March 17, 2013 at 8:58 am #

    I’m kind of a ‘loner’ too. I like being with myself, my family. I’m not much for going out. I have one person I like to make plans with, and we see each other 2 or 3 times a month, but other than that? Meh. I like to be at home. I am definitely ‘cocooning’ like Paul said.

    I struggle-lite (you know, a struggle, but not a full flavored one. Just a medium-little one) with trying to keep fitting myself in with what I think other people want me to say, or be. I have to gently push myself all the time when I’m writing to say it ‘my way’ and not the way I think would be the ‘normal’ or ‘regular’ way. I actually say to myself, “Don’t be afraid to say it your way. That’s really OK.”

    One of the reasons I started drinking in the first place was to people please. To fit in. And we see how well that turned out. šŸ™‚

  3. Lydia March 18, 2013 at 10:50 pm #

    Do you go to AA meetings? An excellent way to socialize sober, and good practice for the “rest” of your life.

  4. Sibyl March 20, 2013 at 3:13 am #

    You go drunkydrunkgirl! I too am an introvert, and know how important my solitary time is. Don’t let anyone give you a hard time about it.

    As for socializing without alcohol, in my experience it takes practice. Bars are tougher than a friend’s place. I had to steel myself for going into a bar the first time: think about being around lots of people drinking, think about how much I didn’t want to drink, remind myself before I stepped through that door that I didn’t want to drink, know what pop I was going order in the bar, and know that I couldn’t stay too long the first time.

    Hope this helps, and have fun!

  5. Cindy March 21, 2013 at 12:10 pm #

    I love being alone, always have. I have people in my life who also have that sort of nature and totally get it. “My tribe”. Finally. After how many years of trying to fit in where I did not? I think many many drinkers start out using alcohol as a way of fitting in because we feel “different”. One of the great shifts in thinking for me as I’ve gotten older, is simply accepting that I’m an introvert, love being an introvert, and it’s completely okay. I’m an artist, writer, awesome cook, runner, skier, etc….and I love doing all of these things alone. I love being me. : ) You don’t owe anybody any explanations. I think it’s probably your age that makes it more difficult. When you are young (the 30’s are an awesome age), socializing, bars, parties, etc…..seem to be the “go to” thing to do. There is a huge world of things to do that don’t involve alcohol or lots of noise and people. Find your tribe or go it alone, either way, you will enjoy it more than trying to fit in with a bunch of extroverts or explain yourself to them – they won’t get it. They don’t have to.

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