Day 5 of unicorns, glitter, and an arsenal of AWESOME

23 Mar

1:52 pm

Hi, guys. I’m back…! πŸ˜‰

Aside from having had to endure a three-day (yes, I’m not kidding) hangover, and now, what feels like a stomach flu of some sort, I’m back on it: counting days (I’m a sucker for goals), running, doing my work, walking the dogs, and looking into some new professional and personal opportunities down here and elsewhere.

I have, honestly, thought of drinking. Why not, I’ve already fallen off? It was a quiet thought, and I guess–before I beat myself up about having it–at least I heard it, spotted the little fucker, and plucked it out/cut it down almost immediately! However, WTF? We all know that we have selective memory when it comes to drinking and hangovers, but yet…this was more like, an “in” for the wolf. I left the window open a crack, and that piece of shit was poking it’s stinking nose back in. (Though, maybe it’s my fault, as I left out the dog bed for it to sleep on; sure, a *dog* bed for a wolf, but a bed nonetheless. I should trash it, and lock him out for good, I know this now.) I can see how people can relapse; not necessarily go back to drinking like they did, but go back to thinking they can–isn’t this most of what is wrong, our thoughtful obsession with drinking, and how it’s supposed to do this and that and everything else for us, but does none of those things? Still, I CANNOT BELIEVE myself, actually considering drinking after feeling so bad for two, going on three, days.

The state of mind I was in, too, was telling: I felt low to the ground, sad, depressed, shaky, and in general, uncertain. There was this feeling of not being sure, about anything. I can’t even put my finger on WHAT I was trying to feel sure about, but there was definitely a disconnect between my feet, my heart, my head, my soul…and the ground. MY GROUND. That’s what I felt, and I did not like it. I like feeling the EXACT OPPOSITE while sober, actually. I have to say, I LOVE LOVE LOVE the small yet magnificent sense of mind, presence of action, and general “on it”-ness I got used to feeling while sober. It’s this that comprises my arsenal of AWESOME, which is so much better than all the lame “tools” I thought I had to deal with life while drinkin’.

I’m feeling better, and about to embark on my 7-mile run today. Ha ha. Hahahahaha. We shall see. Of course, drinking on Monday night fucked up my running schedule, and when I finally got back on the horse on Thursday, I felt SO tired that I could barely keep upright. I wanted to lie down in the gravel next to my car, or better yet, on the side of the road, and go to sleep!

See you later, friends!

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9 Responses to “Day 5 of unicorns, glitter, and an arsenal of AWESOME”

  1. Belle (Tired2012) March 23, 2013 at 7:36 pm #

    am glad to see your update πŸ™‚ day 5! and i love this: “comprises my arsenal of AWESOME.” Here’s hoping NOTHING compromises your “awesome.” Hugs from me.

  2. runningonsober March 24, 2013 at 12:13 am #

    Hope you had a kick ass run.

    I hate when that voice starts nudging. It was quite vocal early on, but it got more quiet as time went on. I think that’s the obsession that AA tends to reference, and many of us are powerless to that obsessive thought. Running helped me deal with it–a lot.

    Enjoy your weekend!

  3. Amy March 24, 2013 at 10:14 am #

    One reason I had to quit drinking is because hangovers were like this days long affair- it really took me 3 to 4 days to recover from a serious drinking session. Which is why making it past days 5 and 7 were like winning a marathon. Twice.

    You sound good. And if wolfie comes back, poke him in eye with unicorn horn. He hates that.

  4. risingwoman March 24, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

    Ah, yes. The days-long-hangovers. Those were the bad old days.

    And I like Amy’s suggestion: poke that wolf in the eye with a unicorn horn… that’ll teach the little bastard πŸ˜‰

  5. carrythemessage March 25, 2013 at 3:39 am #

    Great update – loved the determination to not get back to the very old ways of thinking. That idea of continuing to drink since having the slip is something that many, many alcoholics do…as if ask what is the point of going back to sobriety…I am here, the deed is done, might as well ride it out, etc. That is dangerous territory, and many an alcoholic has not come back with that kind of reasoning. But you`re here, you`re back…and that`s the most important thing going right now. And yes, that mental obsession, the wolfie…it`s a killer. Truly is. It makes us forget the pain and suffering of even a week or day ago. It`s the whole `this time will be different` thing it likes to whisper gently in your ear. It will even look past all the great ways you have been feeling in sobriety to get what it wants – booze. I applaud you for getting back here. I know for me, if I went back out again, you wouldn`t ever see me again, except in the obituary. I may have another drunk in me, but not another recovery. And many other don`t. You`re blessed to be here…and so are we:)

    Light and love,
    Paul

  6. Lisa Neumann March 26, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

    You’re a hoot even coming back from a slip. Everyone already said the good stuff so I’ll just send over an “I love you” … And , I especially need to get over here before Paul because he always writes brilliant shit and I hate commenting after him. … okay, that’s it from me, xox

    • Drunky Drunk Girl March 26, 2013 at 3:11 pm #

      Hahaha! Thank you, Lisa. Yes, it was just a slip; right now, drinking is not an option. I’ve built too much on my sobriety, literally can’t afford to take it for granted right now again (with another “slip”).

      I love your comments, they’re more helpful than you can imagine!

      xx

  7. themiracleisaroundthecorner March 27, 2013 at 11:35 pm #

    DDG, honest to God I was just thinking that it’s been a while since I’ve seen a post from you, then I’m reading someone else’s blog, you’ve posted a comment, so I head over and see I’ve missed at least 5 posts, all of which are monumental. I am really sorry I am a week late, and there is not a single new thing I can add… you are so brave, and I so appreciate your honesty, and I am awed by your insight. I also agree with Lisa, there is usually nothing left to say after Paul posts, he knows all the perfect things to say, every single time! Please know I am praying for you, and I am thrilled you are feeling better, and I am SO HAPPY I have figured out my reader is not up to date!

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