So much to post, but I’ll start with…Day 35 tomorrow

21 Apr

11:18 pm

But, it hasn’t been easy, or as easy as I thought it would be, I have to admit.

It’s been a few days since my last post–I’m sorry for getting lazy about acknowledging all of your amazing and supportive comments–and as seems to be the case with this “getting sober” business, I’ve gone up, down, and side to side. Some days I’m like, Aww, YES, this sober stuff is awesome! I feel good, I don’t want to drink, I’m getting shit done, I can’t wait to get more shit done. No wolfie-boy on my back, howling for a sip of red wine. Easy.

Other days–and there have been several–I’m like, FUCK THIS NONSENSE. My life isn’t that much better sober, and well, is it me, or do people just annoy me more? People–you know, I have a hard time with people, as an introvert; I just don’t get them. Choosing (being forced?) to interact with and witness other people while constantly sober? Well, let’s just say, it’s not the same without my merlot-colored glasses; I find myself wondering why so many people seem so fucked up and thinking how no one is as funny or kind or interesting as they once were. (Confession: I am REALLY FUCKING TIRED of the mainstream media blowing this Boston mess up, and I am PMSing. So, getting around me with a knife is a definite no-no at the moment, as might be taking any of my angry words to heart.)

Tonight, though, after a few days of simply biting down and letting the feelings/thoughts pass–for once, it feels, I am truly happy to have not given in. Over some bridge. At the clearing. (This has happened before, if I remember correctly back to a post I wrote last summer, but not nearly the same sense of conclusion: I don’t miss drinking once the urge to drink actually passes.)

I’d say that prior to today, not giving in was up to about 95 percent awesome; the remaining 5 percent was, Aww, man, I still missed out on getting buzzed, though! Not today. I’m relieved to have sat through the cravings, knowing full well–and trusting more and more in this experiential knowledge–that they will. Go. Away. And that, nothing–not one thing–is worth drinking over. (Yesterday I tripped while running and sprained my ankle; I cursed and cried and hated on my life, and was like, Why is this shit SO hard? All of this? My reaction was to want to drink; not that I wanted to be drunk, but I wanted to drink. Pretty soon, I was home, icing the ankle and realizing that no, I didn’t want to drink, and no, it really wouldn’t make me feel better, and no, it SO wasn’t worth breaking my 35-day streak over.) In fact, I don’t (really?) miss having been high, and I definitely don’t miss the memory loss, the confusion, the fake emotional roller coaster, the hangover, the disappointment and frustration…

Honk, honk! Sober mack truck, coming through!

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5 Responses to “So much to post, but I’ll start with…Day 35 tomorrow”

  1. Lilly April 22, 2013 at 9:31 am #

    Wow, 35 days! That went fast. At least from over here. It may not have felt that way to you I know. I’ll say back to you what you said to me… It is indeed about knowing drinking won’t fit it, won’t fill it and, if we drink alcoholically, isn’t even actually all that much fun. I mean, it can be fun, I won’t lie, but the fun is fleeting and the anxiety and worry and hangovers and sickness afterwards and remorse and being back in the craving loop… ugh. Just ugh.

    You’ve done so well to get right back on the wagon and keep going. You could have slid backwards into a long slow painful relapse you know. Stop and think a bit how crap that might have been? Let’s imagine if you’d gone back to your very, very worst drinking days for, say, six months. Then compare this. It isn’t perfect and sometimes it sucks but it’s way better than the alternative, right?

    I think I hear our unicorns braying. They’re thinking ‘c’mon you guys just get the fuck over here and ride us off into the sober sunset already. Jeeze.’ xxx

  2. carrythemessage April 22, 2013 at 11:48 am #

    Just remember what it was like 35 days ago. Drinking doesn’t bring that relief, that ahhh feeling, that sense of ease and comfort anymore. For us, those days are gone! I had a good few years there where things were fine, where I didn’t get arrested or put in hospitals or detox. Times when I could drink with impunity, where the consequences were no more than a headache and maybe some embarrassing moments. But it was such a small window in a 25 year drinking career. We can never get those days back. I had to concede that fully before I could make that great leap to the journey I am on now. And same with you – you realize that you just can’t drink.

    Dealing with people when we drink is an illusion. They don’t change, we do. But it’s temporary! The real challenge (and hence growth) comes from dealing with others when we are sober, and don’t have those Merlot-glasses on. It’s painful at times, yes. It might be painful more often. But it’s in getting past that, sans drink, that we stretch and grow. We learn to deal with life on life’s terms. And again, you’re doing it. Through hormonal changes, injury, introversion (I am introverted too), etc. you are getting past the initial jump thought of “a drink would be good now!” and passing through the emotions.

    Keep at it. It’s not always easy, but it gets easier.

    Rock on – you’re doing well 🙂

    Love and light,
    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 2, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      Just wanted to say thanks for this awesome comment!

      Day 45 today, and going strong…

  3. Just Some Woman April 22, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    In my case, I think totally blocking the whole fucking thing out helps. If I’m in one of my “moods” it’s best not to overthink ANYTHING. That’s how I’ve handled smoking. I quit in Oct. of 2009 and now I simply act like it never happened. If I start really thinking about the process of smoking, I could probably talk myself into doing it. Of course, I HAVE to remember I’m an alcoholic but I have to focus on the process of getting well, not the process of drinking. I know damn well a beer would taste like nectar from the gods…that’s why I can’t do it.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 2, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

      Thanks for this! Sorry, took a while to get back…

      I agree here! After a while, thinking about drinking–and all your shitty problems with drinking–just holds you back from healing. Isn’t recovery meant to help you move on? If you’re always meditating on the problems of the past, what good does any of your recovery work do?

      Yes, I need to just put it out of my head sometimes, and MOVE ON!

      xx

      -DDG

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