I wonder, how long was I running on fumes?

6 May

5:37 pm

Cuz these days, I have no motivation. Sure, I do stuff, I’m planning stuff, but only if charged on sugar and caffeine. And, I could be doing SO much more. The natural spring of ambition I had in college? Good Jesus, that’s over. The kind I had in my mid-20s, when I was spending 12 hours a day working for startups in the Valley? Man, I can’t remember that girl. In my late 20s and early 30s, planning my “escape” to the Big Apple, where I’d then spend 5 more years running around, going to grad school, becoming a new career? I’d be amazed to summon the ghost of that person, let alone an ounce of that sort of oomph.

I just don’t care, is how I feel right now. None of it really matters. I will go, one day, and so will you. And likely, there is no benevolent consciousness waiting to engulf me. I wish there was, but considering how many people believe this, it’s almost a sure bet that it’s going to be nothing like that in the “afterlife.”

I don’t know. It’s almost like, when I gave up drinkin’, I lost my recklessness–a large amount of which HELPED me. Helped me to get jazzed about life. About change. About movement, and action. Helped me in ways big and small to do the job of a journalist, that’s for sure.

I’m waiting, and nothing’s happening. I want another “big adventure,” but honestly, I don’t have much desire to look into it, plan it, and go for it. No reckless energy to fuel an insane sort of curiosity. Maybe it’s called getting old? Middle age?

This…inertia…has been with me all my life, though. This darkness–psychological and physical in symptoms–it’s a constant companion, and all I can say is, some people know it better than others. I’ve learned to deal with the twitchy mind: It doesn’t get better the next day; you MAKE it better. You get through, grit your teeth, hoping that you appear “normal” enough to get by in the outside world. It’s partly why I drank. For me, though, it’s always there, looming WAY louder than wolfie’s “I want wine” voice. I want wine to quiet the booming wind tunnels blowing inside me.

Sigh. I guess I can keep waiting for it to get better, but…man, it’s been a year, and I feel the same as I always did, only with more acceptance around this mentality when it strikes (which seems to be often, to varying degrees, these days).

The dogs have it easy, I assume; maybe, though, they, too, are bored with life? As an old friend once said to me, “Well, it’s a good thing life is short.” Isn’t it.

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10 Responses to “I wonder, how long was I running on fumes?”

  1. Just Some Woman May 6, 2013 at 10:09 pm #

    Damn, we’re so much alike. When I get those bored or antsy feelings (and they happen A LOT) I have to do SOMETHING. I got pissed off at the weather here the other day so I’m taking a cruise to the Bahamas Tuesday! Of course, one can’t do that all the time so I try to satisfy myself with going out on my boat, reading, shopping, ANYTHING that will hold my interest for awhile. I work everyday but thank God I’m self-employed. I could never work on the clock again. I’m just too restless.
    I think middle age DOES bring on a bit of inertia too. I go from one extreme to the other and sometimes I just have to say to myself “one day at a time” so I won’t look at everything as a whole and decide it all sucks!! LOL!
    I try to be a careful as I can with this brain of mind. It’s prone to be quite demanding….wanting total satisfaction/excitement/bliss, etc. In the past i could get that with alcohol.
    Until I couldn’t……..

    Remember, this too shall pass!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:28 pm #

      Thank you for this! It makes me feel less alone in these thoughts…

      Exactly for me, too: doing something is key. Yet…I’m the master of “doing things,” so, sometimes I wonder about this, too.

      A plan of action is essential for me right now; I am struggling more than usual with the inertia. If I don’t simply make a plan (write it out, like, this, this, and then this, today) and follow it, I could quite literally get sucked into my head.

      Thank you again. Means a lot to have your words of wisdom to chew on. πŸ™‚

  2. Mrs D May 7, 2013 at 12:21 am #

    Oh love, you’re sounding low. First – don’t drink. As JSW above says, remember this too shall pass. But if it takes a while find your bliss somewhere. The little things. What gives you pleasure? Is it cooking? Gardening? Painting your nails? Dancing around your living room? Drawing? Knitting? Zentangle? Travel? Reading novels? Reading recovery memoirs? Crosswords? Stamp collecting? What are the things that make you happy? The little things… it’s in focussing on the little things that the big picture can improve I find. Me – burning nice oil & making my house smell good. Reading uplifting novels. Cooking. Oh and crap TV. Anyway.. find your bliss and chip away at lifting yourself up. Sending big love xxxxx

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:39 pm #

      OH, thanks, Mrs. D. Funny, I was just painting my nails (fingers, for the first time in a long time) when I read this comment. The color? “Wine Bar.” Haha. And, yeah, it did give me some strange little pleasure. Funny how my mind wraps itself around a concept–like, the little pleasures are worthless–and won’t let go. Because, like you said, the little pleasures are what make up the bigger ones, and life itself.

      Yep, chipping away. So well put. I have to keep action going, like, even if it doesn’t FEEL that great to plant a few seeds, or learn a new crochet stitch, or walk the dogs (that actually always feels good), or read, or write–I have to force myself to do it sometimes, hands down. And then, I do feel better. I lose myself in it, my brain turns off, and I can just be for a second. And, I move a little bit forward, which for me is important.

      Thanks for this comment–it means a lot to know that there ARE people who know what I’m talkin’ about here! πŸ™‚

  3. Belle (Tired2012) May 7, 2013 at 11:36 am #

    run, nap, chocolate, bad tv. swim. and then feel a bit more blah. and then write, read, go to the library, find a new restaurant, sleep, stretch. and feel a bit more blah. and then … you ask for more hugs. here’s one from me. xo

  4. Belle (Tired2012) May 7, 2013 at 12:03 pm #

    oh god, i’m rereading my journal from 2005. here’s what i wrote to myself: “Run as much as possible. Thoroughly clean house. Change guitar strings. Do dishes every night before bed (or before going out). *CONSTRUCT* a life you can be happy within πŸ™‚ You’re the only one in charge.”

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

      Thanks, Belle! I love that word: construct. Sometimes I don’t feel like building, but, I realize now that I have to do it anyway (bit by bit). I have to just do stuff, otherwise, I get caught in my head when these thought-feelings come…

      • Belle (Tired2012) May 7, 2013 at 7:23 pm #

        and at the risk of being completely irritating, i kept reading in my journal after i posted to you, and this just in from Feb 3, 2006… “If this is a hormonal low, it’s jesus long. I’m ready to back to [city] now. It’s all ‘so what’? I need a jumpstart. I can decorate the office, clean out filing cabinets, stop listening to Howard Stern [!], I have a website to redesign. IF I NEED A PROJECT, THEN THE PROJECT IS ME.” … ack, in 2006? seems like yesterday. Oh, it WAS yesterday, too!

  5. Lisa Neumann May 7, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

    I feel the heaviness too sometimes. I wonder what the bleep is going on. All the go go go go go and I’m still here. Still trying to do my thing … make a bleeping difference in the world. Some days I don’t know if I do, some days I am sure I do not. I do know that I can do one thing today to bring happiness to my world and I do that. I can take a nap or eat chocolate in front of the TV after I do the one happy act. Hang in there my friend. You are loved. Like the girls already said, “this too shall pass.” It just sucks while we wait and I’ve learned that’s okay too. xox

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 7, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      That’s a great way of looking at it: do one happy thing for the world and then eat chocolate. πŸ™‚ This too shall pass, it sure will.

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