It’s OK to not care (that much) anymore

23 May

7:46 pm

I’m here, and nothing big to report. Still got blue skies, sparkly water, green trees, and very little desire to fuck it all up by drinkin’, let alone care about the whole mess. I’m gliding, and it feels good.

FINALLY. It’s taken almost a year for my brain to repair itself; and, I really think it has, to a large extent. I’m not sure what to make of it, though, because it’s new territory. Simply put, I think I’ve just accepted that I cannot drink, for one thing. I don’t drink now, like I’m preggers or have a life-threatening illness. I can’t drink, won’t drink, don’t drink. End of story. I think I’ve not only given up (let’s just say) on feeling better, but I’ve stopped actually being 100 percent fucking CONVINCED that wine will do it for me! Which, if you look at it in a positive light, is a good thing.

Second, I don’t really have time to drink or think about drinking these days–I’ve got science and writing and travel and future plans to wrangle with, AND, I’ve started running again, so that means EITHER drinking or training, but not both (hangover + running = null set). I don’t really have the energy, either, to think about all the emotional whys and wherefores that brought me to addiction. I’m over it, and frankly, I think it’s OK to stop dwelling on it all, for now. Yup, you should say you’re sorry. Yup, you should connect your drinking to your (my) self-loathing attempts at self-sabotage. Yup, yup, yup. Let it go, though, friends. I’ve read quite a few posts lately in which peeps are running around in their heads, trying to figure it all out. It’s OK not to care about figuring it all out, for now. You can not care AND be sober. You really can!

Booze is not the problem, you (we) are. That means that other things will come up, like binge eating, or sugar, or coffee. Or, doing something instead of what you should be doing; by “should,” I mean your dharma, and we all know what it is we’re called to do, we just have to take the time to discover it. At the end of the day, only you can figure out what happens after the bottle of vodka or decanter-sized glass of wine runs out. I’ve read some posts dealing with filler addictions, replacement fixes. Look: if you can give up fucking drinking, DUDE, you can give up ANYTHING. I’m pretty sure the only thing more painful than fucking around in my head for a year, wrestling with wolfie-boy is, I don’t know, hanging from metal hooks latched into my skin? It’s a constant struggle for all of us, I’m guessing, to not cave into our other “vices” just because we don’t drink. Again, let it go. You’re doing your best. Cut back, or do one thing less than you’re doing it, or more. And, it’s OK to not give a shit about this, too!

All that matters is you’re not drinking. Everything else, if you’re a human being with a functioning mind, will fall into place…eventually. And if it doesn’t? Well, it’s OK to let that go, too.

What helps me now? Knowing full well that a “glass of wine” (haha) won’t make it better. Won’t even come close. I just KNOW THAT. Why? Because I slipped. And, I think about the scenario over and over and over and over…until it finally fucking dawns on me that wine is not really what I want. I want relief. From what, is the key question. And, thinking it through, and finding your way–like, a mental route–to that question IS sober living, whether or not you end up drinking to ease the pain. GOOD FOR YOU that you’ve arrived at that KEY question: hold it in the palm of your hand and don’t let it go, no matter how much the little jewel might burn.

I also fill my days as much as I can, and I run into the problem of feeling empty, like I have nothing inside me, like I’m just a shell of a person. And, in a sense, I am. But, I (we) are building, and filling, and creating, and being productive instead of destructive–so, move through the regret and embrace this probably common truth that we (I) are shells and start FILLING it up with stuff you like to do. Most of the time I think I don’t know what I “really really” want or like to do, but I know I like writing, and science, and I have degrees from schools, and there’s the dogs, and the boyfriend, and my cakes, and…why the FUCK am I being so hard on myself? I’m SO full, it’s ridiculous! So, even I don’t know what I mean by this “shell” thing, but again, I don’t care. For now.

Hey, I thought the other day, I can live sober. I can actually DO THIS. It ain’t that bad not drinking. What a fucking epiphany. LOL. (Hello, first 35 years of my life! Were you really THAT bad?) Even a few weeks ago, I didn’t really believe this.

The remaining immediate hurdle for me is getting over, somehow, the sense that there is nothing as awesome to look forward to as wine. Sure, I can do this and substitute that, but wine, oh, wine, there is no one but you. That goes in direct contrast to what I just wrote, about realizing that wine is NOT what I want, but hey, it’s the human brain we’re dealing with here: fucked up.

Yes, this post contains a lot of “fuck’s,” but fuck it, this is how I talk to myself sometimes. 😉

So, I’m on Day…I’m not even sure. 66. Tomorrow will be 67. Onward to 90, then 100, then…the gilt-edged 180? *glitter ball*

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4 Responses to “It’s OK to not care (that much) anymore”

  1. losedabooze May 24, 2013 at 12:22 am #

    Fucken love the post lol. It’s so true how messed up we are in our own minds at times – and it’s nice to just let go of the battle in there. I’m only at day 10 so still very fresh things going on in there. Congrats on your 67th day coming up!!

  2. Sibyl May 24, 2013 at 2:04 am #

    What an excellent post DDG! You put it out there with an immediacy and honesty that I really appreciate. Lots of good things to think about on the path the sobriety too. Thanks!

  3. Belle May 24, 2013 at 7:41 am #

    um yes. yes that’s it! yes, really … yes our lives will be glorious or not, productive today or tomorrow (or not). and if we’re not drinking then at least we’re living. we’re sorting through and finding solutions. booze is like the biggest most destructive PAUSE button on our lives. and it’s impossible to really ‘believe’ that you CAN live sober until you’ve got some time in the sober car. but once you get some and once you believe it, which you do now, then the whole game changes. for the better. hooray for you 🙂 happy day 67

  4. carrythemessage May 24, 2013 at 6:06 pm #

    I was going to post a reply yesterday, but somehow this needed to sink in a bit more. I think what you wrote pretty much encapsulates the journey for most of us. You have it almost full circle there. The key to this whole enchilada is the idea that we just cannot drink. Ever. Or today. Whatever works better for you. We cannot drink like a normal person, which means we cannot drink at all in any way. Any lurking notion that we can, leaves the door a smidgen open and we alcoholics like it when the door is open – even a smidgen.

    And smack tab in that is the very true realization is that it’s not wine that we want, or vodka, or fancy cocktails or bubbly…we want relief. We want to get away from the feelings that make us want something. WE can whiteknuckle it all we want, but the reason that whiteknuckling it doesn’t work for very long is that it doesn’t get to the why of wanting to drink. I understand that some people just have had it and poof, done. No more boozing. I wasn’t so lucky – I needed a program (AA) and had to get to the causes and conditions of my drinking. Some get it through therapy or several support systems. In the end, it’s getting to the reason for that relief.

    You really nailed it here. Loved it.

    Congrats on the sober time:)

    Paul

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