Loosening the reins (not caring), committing fully, or both?

28 May

12:11 pm

I know, the past two posts have been about not caring, and I apologize for that.

It’s not exactly “not caring,” it’s more not having the energy to care THAT MUCH about the “whole mess,” as I’ve been referring to my drinking life/getting sober. Life moves on, and well, I have to let some things go in order to make room for others, right? (My brother called me the other day, but I just can’t be bothered; there will be no call back, mainly to preserve my momentum and because, well, I don’t feel like engaging anyone, including my own family, in a passive aggressive relationship. In a nutshell, I just can’t care. I feel bad, sure, but I can’t care about that either.)

(And, this will be a very lame paragraph in an effort to preserve my anonymity, so bear with me:)

I’m going [out of town] tomorrow to check out a graduate program I’m interested in, to check in on my storage unit, to see some friends, to go to the DMV, and to hit the dentist and hair salon (there are salons down here, of course, but you know, creature of habit). I’m thinking (we’ll see tonight, after my Skype chat) of volunteering for about six weeks teaching English on [a neighboring island] this summer. We’re going to [another neighboring island] for my birthday. I’m running, making (some) money, and trying to begin the thought process involved in re-inserting myself back into the “real world” workforce without having a panic attack…

Panic attack? Nah. I know that I’m beyond that kind of thinking. But, drinking? Well, I do have butterflies, mainly because I wonder if I can do this sober? This real life thing? Or, is it just that this all scares me NOW, at this moment, because I basically “hid” on an island for about 18 months (in order to get sober) and now…? Maybe it’s that I KNOW it’ll all unfold smoothly…if and only if I don’t drink? Is it that wolfie’s simply looking for an in here, and I have to put my foot down (on its skull) and close that door?

I admit, I have thought about drinking once I get on the plane. You know? Like, I made it to 70 days again, and damn it, what else is there to do in my old big city but drink?! Drink drank drunk! Sigh. That was my OLD life, I have to keep reminding myself. I have to have the foresight (check; shit would be so disappointing if I wound up back to square one within a day) and courage (um, check?) to believe that I can do it. I just have to take the first step, then the second, then the third…

Almost subconsciously, I alerted the friend who I’ll be crashing with that I was sober. She already knows, but I guess I figured, I better remind her…so that I don’t have an out, you see. Which, the next day, a part of me (wolfie-boy) was like, Aww, damn it, now I really can’t drink if I’ve promised her not to let me! Boo.

Then, it quickly crept up on me, like a fast blush, that I really don’t want to drink. Why? For all the same God damned, motherfucking (yes, I need that ;)) reasons I haven’t been drinkin’ since last June (thick skull): don’t want to get too drunk on the flight and get lost at the airport (or worse); don’t want to show up at my friend’s place drunk and/or angry (or worse); don’t want to sleep until 10 or 11 (uh, 2?), hung over, and mess up my schedule, which has my days packed with activity; don’t want to be THAT girl, who has not only offended and let down her big city peeps, but who wants to prove to them that she really IS changed.

Things are different. I believe it. They are, aren’t they?

I think I just have to take some deep breaths, rely on my well-trained sober muscles, and go forth. Like a track star. Which I am, right? There will be scared-y cat moments, there will be awkward and weird encounters; but, if I commit to being sober, all will go well. There will be no events, no crises, no hangovers, no ruinous bullshit. And, I can come home and be on my way to 90 days (again)…making Belle’s 100 Day Challenge a success…and building toward 180, where I’ve never been.

(The truth is, I could probably drink on the flight, but not more than two. And, I could probably drink on my own, but not with my friends (I will never go there again, mainly because I have NO idea what might transpire)–but, what fun is that? And, it’s like, duh, this all feels so familiar, limiting and rationing and blah blah blah. In fact, this leads me to remember an incident I read about and one of my own, about some kid who died because he tried some stupid stunt on the subway tracks while shitfaced… There is no other option but to not drink. For now. And I know it.)


15 Responses to “Loosening the reins (not caring), committing fully, or both?”

  1. losedabooze May 28, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    The talk you’re having in your head is one we all think or go through – how many days sober are you now? I have been thinking about beyond the 100 days – then what, but also need to give myself some time to just BE in the moment (only at day 16 right now). Good luck on your trip!!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 28, 2013 at 8:04 pm #

      Thanks! I am on day 71 today…but, I’ve been here before. So, really, I know I can do this, which is why I’m not sure why all these thoughts are running through my head! Onward and upward… 🙂

      • losedabooze May 29, 2013 at 2:05 am #

        Well the longest I went before was 30 days and that was 2 years ago (minus my pregnancies of course). Basically I was drinking daily after my divorce – over 10 years ago and a few years ago tried to cut back but without great success – thus my decision to abstain since I can’t seem to moderately drink lol.

    • Lisa Neumann May 29, 2013 at 3:09 am #

      @losedabooze I just wanted you to know that I was not able to totally cut out wine during my second pregnancy. It seems so obvious now, but my drinking had progressed. I controlled it, but it was utterly painful. You’re doing better than you might realize and DDG is the best sorta friend IMO because she always fights the good fight.

      • losedabooze May 29, 2013 at 9:36 am #

        What is DDG? And during my pregnancies I had a drink here and there but not daily and no more than 1 or 2.

      • Lisa Neumann May 29, 2013 at 4:03 pm #

        DDG = Drunky Drunk Girl. Sorry, I’ve gotten to abbreviating the blog name.

        (ps. soon to be Ex-Drunky Drunk Girl)

      • Drunky Drunk Girl May 29, 2013 at 12:31 pm #

        Thanks, Lisa! You’re the best, too… xx

  2. Lisa Neumann May 29, 2013 at 3:11 am #

    DDG. I’m behind on reading for several reasons, but had to come over and say hi and wish you an excellent and safe trip. Also, was thinking your blog was starting to sound like “Ex-DDG” … at least to me. xox Lisa

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 29, 2013 at 12:32 pm #

      I know, right? I’ve been thinking for a while now, this feels a bit weird, like a “dark place” or sorts, to always keep coming back here, rehashing and struggling. Maybe I just need a name change to give myself more credit??? 😉 Thanks, I’ll try to keep the plane in the air with my newfound superpowers…

      • Lisa Neumann May 29, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

        If anyone can keep that plan flying it’s you. xox 🙂

  3. Sibyl May 29, 2013 at 4:09 am #

    Hey DDG, I like your idea of taking one step and then the next … all without taking a drink. You can do it, and it is so worth it! And please keep on putting it out there, it really helps.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl May 29, 2013 at 12:33 pm #

      Thanks, Sibyl! It’s great to know that someone enjoys and takes something/anything away from what I might consider ranting!

  4. carrythemessage May 29, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

    Great post…I don’t mind your rantings anyway 🙂

    I think that when we get into positions that we are anxious or have been through before and have drank before, we get that old way of thinking creeping back into us. Not to say that it gets a foothold. But it’s there. I still get them now and then. But it’s a flash, a nanosecond, a thing that’s been hardwired. And then it goes. But sometimes we play with it….we linger just a second or two on it…ha ha. We start the whole “but if I just…” and you showed that so well there in your post at the end…the old what if’s. The rationalizations. The justifications. And in the end, we just have to look at our *experience* of the past, not how we want things to look. When I took a drink, it was NEVER just a drink. Ever. Ever, ever, ever. Did I say ever? BUT, my alcoholism would tell me just one won’t hurt. Over and over again. Ugh. So you know where this would lead to…and you care not for it. And that’s the groovy stuff 🙂

    You’ll get through all this stuff without a drink, look back and say, “see? that was nothing.” Sure there is going to be uncertainty and some fears…but that’s part of life. We tried the drinking to cure that…and it didn’t work. So let’s try it this way. 🙂

    Good luck on all of this – sounds like quite the adventure you’re on!


  5. carrieonsober May 29, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

    Great post. I have done a couple of holidays sober, committing to not drinking for the holiday is just another step for now. I told myself it was just this holiday, not every holiday ever. But I was committed, it’s the doubt that spoils the fun, don’t let it in.
    I love the list of reasons you don’t want to drink, it’s a no brainer when we put it like that! Like duh, why would I want any part in engineering those events happening to my life/trip?!
    Safe, sober trip to you.

  6. Julie May 29, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    I have been really enjoying your posts, but after being 29 days sober i drunk tonight. No reason, just because I wanted to. This is a crazy disease. x

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