I’m the Grand Marshall

5 Jun

1:31 am

I just wanted to check in and say howdy. I just spent about five days in New York, and I’m still sober. And, I’m damn proud of it. Who’s directing traffic? I am. Who’s on the master float in this sober parade? C’est moi! I’m the fucking Grand Marshall, people!

While I’m surely relieved that I didn’t cave, I’m mostly surprised at my utter lack of pangs and/or desire to drink. Even while out, dancing my ass off and observing everyone else getting drunk, or drunker. Then again, I think I’ve got it a bit easier than some: around every turn, there was a reminder of some truly soul-sucking, horrifying incident that happened or that I made happen. It was easy to see the disaster waiting in the wings if I took that first drink. And so, I didn’t take that first drink. (My friends know what a drunk I was, and they were supportive, so that really helped as well.)

Anyway, I’ve got lots to share, but I just wanted to say that all is well in my little sober world. 90 days coming up on June 16th!

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9 Responses to “I’m the Grand Marshall”

  1. Lilly June 5, 2013 at 6:24 am #

    Wow and well howdy there Grand Marshall DDG. I salute you. I am damn, damn proud. Also glad to see you posting as I was missing you and wondering what’s up.

    90 days?! Wow, that whooshed by fast. Not to you, perhaps, but from over here that seems like a blink of an eye when my 30 have crawled by. Tell me it speeds up in time?

    You have to remember, too, that your (almost) 6 months counts, particularly as your relapse was so brief – more of a slip really. You’ve got a lot of sober muscle built up there lady.

    I think of that slip of yours sometimes, I do. It was a good cautionary tale about how after a good period sober giving in to those Wolfie voices won’t do much but make us miserable again.

    I am slowly ticking up the days and feeling pretty strong but still kind of amazed it’s *only* 30. It occurred to me, while writing a post about my 30 days, that if you added up all my sober spell I’ve probalby had at least 6 months sober over the last two years. But there’s definitely something in the continuous sober time.

    Anyway, well done Glittery Grand Marshall of Old Ye Unicorn Parade

    xx

    • Drunky Drunk Girl June 5, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

      Hey, girl, glad to hear from you! YES, it does start to zoom by. Things change, they really, honestly do. Just hang in there, and keep pushing your head up, it will eventually reach sober light (this is a seed sprouting metaphor, in case it sounds weird!). Just keep not drinking, even when you really want to, when it really hurts, when you feel like your head is exploding, when you want to cry b/c you feel so damn awkward and frustrated and angry and tantrum-y…it goes away, it really does. And then you’re left with your old, sensible self, the one that used to say, Nah, probably not a good idea for me to drink the night before a big interview; or Nah, probably not a good idea for me to start drinking at midnight the night before my first day of work; or Nah, probably not a good idea for me to drink…EVER. Oh, well! FUCK YOU, WOLFIE. (we love Belle)

      I do think my slip was just that, but my thought process went strikingly fast back to, well, early days. I mean, this time I feel very strong in my desire to just not drink (b/c drinking will not work or solve my feelings and problems). I think it’s because I have that sober muscle. But, I still had to work really mofo hard at NOT tricking myself into thinking, Oh, I can drink, I drank that once already, why not, I’m already off the wagon. Getting back on that horse, getting that serious resolve back was…hard, I’m not going to lie.

      Do I still want that buzz? Of course! Is it a good idea for me to drink to get it? No. Can I get it through other things? I have to believe I can.

      So, yes, it does go fast (I’m a bit scared out how fast 3 months has slipped away!), and you start to think of it in longer chunks. I can go a week, no worries. I can go a month, no problem. And then…this is starting to happen to me now…you start to think of it on a daily basis again, like, I can’t drink today, and that’s that. Tomorrow is a long way off. And, then tomorrow comes, and there’s a good reason that you really can’t drink today, but maybe tomorrow.

      Yes, it gets easier, and different, and that’s a huge relief and a huge burden lifted. And, I have to say, I do agree with others in that you have to stop getting off and on the wagon to really feel the flex of your sober muscle, to really see things changing. Just getting past that initial giving-up period…

      Thanks for your comment! And yes, this Grand Marshall has requested ALL unicorns pulling the floats! And glitter galore! 😉

  2. Moonbeam Soberrella June 5, 2013 at 11:34 am #

    Yes YOU ARE! The Grand Marshal Indeedy! And I can see your batons are on fire as you toss them up into the air. Good for you DDG. You are the bomb! 90 days is huge I’ll mark my calendar to be one of the first to CONGRATULATE YOU!

    Moonbeam

    • Drunky Drunk Girl June 5, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

      Thanks for stopping by, Moonbeam! I saw you commenting at Belle’s blog, and congrats on your sober days! This is actually my second pass at 90–the first time was in January. This time feels SO much easier in that I’m on solid, almost-happy-to-be-sober ground. Honk honk, bitches, sober parade COMIN’ through. 😉

  3. losedabooze June 5, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    Way to go girl!!!

  4. Sibyl June 5, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    Yay DDG! You are inspiring (and funny).

  5. WordsFallFromMyEyes June 9, 2013 at 8:48 am #

    Who’s directing traffic? I am … love your humour 🙂

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