90 days, here we are again!

16 Jun

9:56 am

Glitter balls and unicorns galore, we’re here! Well, we’ve been here before, but this time is much different.

I’ll admit, last night was hard. I had a moment. I was bored, existentially challenged–and I mistakenly went back to my old ways of thinking that wine would like, make that go away. Or, more incredulously, make it better. A good night’s sleep, a new day, the dogs waiting in the wings for a walk, and my 90-day chip from last January around my neck, I feel less whiny. 😉

I have SO much to think about regarding life choices these days that drinking is definitely one of the last things on my to-do list. Last year? Man, oh, man, I would’ve been downing Pinot and Shiraz (my favorite!) left and right in an attempt to avoid thinking about it all, let alone coming to some solid decisions and implementing steps forward. And that, friends, is the cornerstone of sober LIVING, of sobriety instead of “not drinking,” in my humble opinion. We can think a month, three, a year down the line and not hyperventilate or doomsday ourselves into inaction (It’s never going to work, I’m too depressed to make that happen, I know I’m going to fail so why bother putting myself out there, this plan feels precarious and is something I could never deal with).

The little things all add up, of course, but I’ve been working at this for an entire year, so those are actually givens at this point. Waking up with no regrets, no horrifying in-and-out memories of things I said and did, no hangover from the pit of Hell. A sense of self-reliance that almost borders on pedantry, or possibly smugness (I showed up 10 minutes early for my dentist appointment, how about you?). Improved everything, from workouts to relationships to digestion to skin tone! It’s ALL still breathtaking, in a way, previously imperceptible as relevant change. Now, these things continue to jolt me into gratitude, mainly because I can perceive them as that relevant CHANGE and GROWTH (I guess I really get off on growth, which is a great personality trait to have and/or cultivate when you’re getting sober, I’ve realized); AND, I can appreciate them as incremental steps toward what I sense is a Holy Grail of sorts–there’s more to come, and it’s golden and glowing and is wrapped in silk under a skylight in some big chamber in the desert.

The bigger things, of course, are absolutely grand. I can order my thoughts and, even though it feels uncomfortable–the doubt, the not knowing for sure, the leaps of faith that might end me up in a ditch instead of on top of the tallest building in town–I can make the necessary choices and move forward. I can sit through the angst and uncertainty that sort of pools in my gut and in my brain, and in spite of this, I can make the call. I guess it’s called dealing with life.

So, on 90 days, I celebrate the journey over my own personal journey. If we put in the work–inside or outside of AA or other recovery groups–we get better. We heal. We become stronger people. That’s pretty much it. I’m not healed, but I’m healing.

Unicorns: set, and GO! Parade’s on later, people, and I’ll be that Grand Marshall on one of the middle floats, her Pellegrino glass waving in the wind, calling out as we pass, “Sober parade, COMIN’ through…bitches!”

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4 Responses to “90 days, here we are again!”

  1. carrieonsober June 16, 2013 at 8:14 pm #

    Awesome DDG, 90 days (plus lots more, each one counts so much!!) I am totally happy for you right now especially having read last nights post and worrying that the reckless, chaos seeking streak getting the better of you, you sure had me worried! I am glad you rode it out and have rightly made a point of patting yourself on the back for reaching yet another milestone. Each day matters and with every milestone I know that we are getting stronger (sober muscles flexing right here with you!) and we are going to nail this one day. I don’t know about you but I haven’t come across many long term sober peeps in blogsphere, so I am guessing that they are out there just getting on with living without the need to be so recovery heavy. So, I like to think that each step takes us closer to that place which is going to be fucking amazing. This isn’t it, I just know it. Stay with me!
    Cyber hugs and cheers to you!!
    C xoxo

    • Drunky Drunk Girl June 16, 2013 at 9:56 pm #

      Thanks, Carrie! REALLY needed to hear this. Yes, it’s easy to forget the work and struggle of each day, even at only 90 days. I think I’m in the phase of looking for what it is that’s going to “replace” wine for me, in the largest sense, but I don’t know if there is anything and I don’t know if it’s reasonable or even healthy to be looking for that. One day at a time, wash/rinse/repeat.

      Thanks for being here on this journey with me. We got this. xx

  2. quillain June 17, 2013 at 3:24 am #

    many congrats!

  3. Lisa Neumann June 17, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    Brava,.. Onto triple digits and another day of bold choices. Keep me posted on parade date xox

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