A rough few days

8 Aug

3:54 pm

But, I’m still sober. I may have burst a few blood vessels trying, but…whatever it takes, right? Right now, not drinking is the BEST thing you can do for yourself, I keep whispering in my own ear.

It’s been almost a week since I decided to alter my course of action in terms of, like, everything in my most current (and admittedly, somewhat precarious, off-base, and random) life plan. It threw me. Add to that mood swings (major!) and a general self-pitying sense of “but no one appreciates what I’m actually doing here!” and, well, you know how it goes… MAJOR CRAVINGS. Major case of the “fuck it’s,” which, I am very proud to say, I have not given into.

I wonder if it’s just “that time” again; I made it to Week 20 this past Monday, so I’m rounding up on 21 weeks soon. Around 20 weeks last time, I was SO jones’ing for a glass of wine, and I caved shortly after 22 weeks. This time, I WILL NOT let myself give in. I’ve worked WAY too hard to get here. And truth be told, it’s not wine that I want; I surely don’t want the hangover. Yet, sometimes I feel like this has become much more of a mind-fuck than it was intended to be, this not drinking thing. Maybe, I’ve been wondering, I CAN drink responsibly now? Maybe I can stop thinking about drinking (or, not drinking)?

Wolfie-boy thoughts aside, I’ve been seriously thinking about re-evaluating being sober once I get to my 180-day mark, which will be on September 14th. I think the main reason is, I need to know that this is MY choice, otherwise I start to resent the conviction (fact?) that I am living someone else’s life.

I am not sure I ever experienced a pink cloud. Yes, it’s fucking fantastic to never be hung over (I’m not sure I could deal with another hangover, which is one thing that keeps me on the wagon), but, frankly, I did everything I’m doing now. Professionally, I feel like getting sober has set me back in that I don’t seem to have the passion, the burning desire, the fuel I used to have. There sure are upsides to being sober, but I feel flat a lot of the time, and it’s been a whole year-plus since I took my last-ish drink (I’ve only had ONE slip since last October)! Most of the time, though, it’s just the same, except I’m not drinking, not being hungover, and not doing stupid shit when I get drunk (and black out).

I think I just miss “me,” and my “life,” and my friends, the city, what constituted basically everything I knew. Going out to wine bars and knowing that I worked hard to be able to afford those drinks, the apartment that I would be coming (stumbling) home to afterward, the entire setup–it was mine. I created it. I made it happen. And, I hate to say it, but I DID feel more alive when I was drinking–it wasn’t always falling down, and it wasn’t always feeling like shit.

I’m sure it’s wolfie, but, well, being sober isn’t that great sometimes. It’s not the drinking I miss that much, it’s the reward. I still feel like I’m sort of just making it through the days–when do I start to really, actually live? I see quite a few soberites doing cartwheels, and I’m starting to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. Was I just simply that much more tethered to the bottle? Could be. It was a long 10 years, and at least five before that ramping up. I also never seemed to hit bottom, or, at least when I did (breaking an arm, spending time in jail, getting fired, being (technically) evicted, crashing a car, etc. etc. etc.), I was so impervious to pain that I chose not to feel it? Maybe I need one of those mega-support groups because I AM one of the worst alcoholics? Maybe I was so “high-functioning”–in an extremely dysfunctional reality where it’s OK to drink the way I did–that a lot of what happened to me simply came with the territory?

All these things combined make for a confused Drunky Drunk Girl, I guess is what I’m saying. And, well, a rough few days.

On that note, I have to get to work. At least I’m making SLOW progress on that front. And, inching my way back into some sort of professional reality. I’m on Day 2 of “no sugar,” which means no sweets, no Diet Coke (trying), and minimal items with added sugar. I want to see how it affects my digestion, my running, my weight, and my “satiety meter,” so I’m going to go for, oh, a while doing this. I already feel better, and surprisingly, not ambivalent: I know I can’t have sweets–it’s just like wine, I CANNOT have it–so, why bother allowing my mind to want it? Push on through, I say. There is light, there WILL be light.

143 days!

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25 Responses to “A rough few days”

  1. Runningfromthebooze August 8, 2013 at 5:28 pm #

    I too have managed to escape drinking unscathed. No jail, crashes, DUI, relationships are intact, work is good. I can easily take myself to a place where I say to myself it would be ok to go back. I’ve done it many times. Sometimes I secretly hope I do. I hate to admit that. So far, I’ve been able to shake it off. Sometimes its mere seconds, other times hours. Then I remember the bad.I remember the bad and say goddamnit goddamnit!!!
    It isn’t always a walk in the park this sober gig , but I’m kidding myself when I entertain the thought of going back. Hang in there.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 8, 2013 at 6:40 pm #

      I will! Thank you…

      And, why do you secretly hope that you go back? I would like to go back to drinking like a normal person, a few glasses here, whatever, no big deal. I don’t ever want to go back to drinking like I was, and honestly, I don’t think I have anything resembling an off switch. I was waiting for it to come back, but…when I think about drinking wine (over a year after quitting for the first time), I already know in my head/heart that I am going to drink at least 4 or 5 glasses. B/c I already know right now, at this moment, that I want 4 or 5 (or 8), and not 2 or 3. And, it will not end well. So…yeah, like Carrie said, for us, the price we pay is too high. HUGS! xx

      • runningfromthebooze August 8, 2013 at 8:30 pm #

        Secretly hoping to go back to drinking is me playing the mental game. It’s been the hardest part of sobriety, so far. That said, today at day 53 is a heck of a lot easier than it was in the beginning.

  2. carrieonsober August 8, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

    This is the wolf, a bad few days and the lack of sugar talking! You can have all of those things again if you so desire them. You can high fly without booze, you are still the same, driven, focused achiever that you were then, it’s in YOU. You didn’t get any of that from the shit poison you were throwing down your neck, spending all that hard earned cash on overpriced comfort in a glass, liquid hugs.
    Yes you can have it back but if you make booze part of the deal too then all the shit that comes with that will be yours to own again! It doesn’t come without the high price tag for us. It’s not worth it.
    There is another way cause that one just ain’t an option anymore. This will pass and in the wise words of Mrs D who said no one on here ever went back to drinking and came back on to share how fucking amazing it was and how they’d got it all wrong…must of overreacted!! If only…
    Hugs and willing some pink clouds to seek you out…watch out!
    C xx

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 8, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

      Yes yes yes! Thank you, Carrie, this is brilliant advice. You’re right, it does come at a high price tag and I CAN have all the fake good and real bad, if I go back to drinking. And, I know, if I try harder, that all that drive is still within me–I have to work on believing in that.

      Thank you! HUGS.

  3. losedabooze August 8, 2013 at 5:57 pm #

    Reading your blog – seeing how far into it you are and how you’re feeling makes me wonder. I wonder now if I can leave ‘da booze behind for good and not sure I want to – but I know I want to at least get a good handle on it and maybe achieve that 100 days and see how I feel after that. I only managed 33 days in May/June – now on Day 4. Reading the comments from C … I can also relate/believe that it could be wolfie or whatever name we want to give the voices. The fact that you’ve had a few rough days is surely to account for all these thoughts you’re having. Hang in there and keep blogging!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 8, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

      Hi!

      IT IS WORTH IT. These are the “wolfie-boy” moments, and I think, for me anyway, these are the hardest of them. As in, they can’t get worse. And, really, if this is all I have to endure–a few days, hours, moments of what sums up to be inconvenient feelings (ones I don’t like, but have to have anyway)? If this is it?

      Hang tough, and give sobriety a chance! If you can get through the first 60 days, then 90, then 100? You’ll be doing some genius thinking at that point. Wolf will be tamer, and you’ll be able to see him for what he is: just cravings, but cravings that are SO not worth giving into if that means giving up what you have being sober!

      HUGS!

  4. Trisha August 8, 2013 at 6:05 pm #

    I love your honesty. I’m currently on day 130 and can totally sympathize. This is my 3rd round at this sobriety thing and believe me, we can’t go back to normal drinking. Sad but true. Acceptance is the key to finding peace. It’s my lot. Everybody has their thing to deal with; this is mine. Each time I thought I was ok, I tried again to drink moderately and each time was worse, never better. I’m just glad there was no tragedy. I finally realized I don’t need a tragedy to wake up and appreciate and enjoy the life I have. And I’ve got news for you, breaking bones, going to jail, getting fired/evicted etc. is not all that high functioning. Never mind the blackout bad behavior. Those things don’t happen to normal drinkers. The next time could be worse. That’s what I keep in mind. I’d hate to get this far and then have my drinking really hurt someone and end up losing everything for something that stops being enjoyable fairly quickly. Fighting Wolfie one more day is better. And maybe some days this sober life isn’t all that great but for sure my drinking life is not great at all.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 8, 2013 at 6:25 pm #

      SO what I needed to hear/read! I know, it isn’t normal to have had all that shit go down, but…there is, I have to say, a part of my brain that is still in denial about it all being “that bad.” Yes, it was, but…maybe I had to block out just how horrific it was in order to move forward and not crumble and keep working and keep staying alive through it all? Maybe. I know that drinking, like you said, could really hurt someone next time. And, you’re right, is that very small window of “ooh, this feels better, not good, but maybe better?” worth the risk? Thank you for your honest, and supportive, words of wisdom, Trisha. “Soldier” on, I will! ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. thirstystill August 8, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

    I like how honest you are in your blog. I’m sorry you’re having a rough spell, that’s for sure. But it’s really helpful for some of us newly sober folk to see that it doesn’t all of a sudden turn into sunshine and daisies all the time. Thanks for that. (I’m new at all this, but I am definitely in the middle of the sober flatlands this week. The ideas I have about what a marvellous deadline-meeting superwoman I was just months ago are quite hilarious. That’s sure a lot of credit to give to the booze! Or some selective memory at work.) It’s curious how you say that after 180 days you want to re-evaluate so you’ll know that being sober is your decision. As though it’s someone else deciding now. As you say, you (really you!) did a heap of hard work to get sober and stay there for this long. That’s amazing! Anyway, good luck with the struggle.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 9, 2013 at 1:38 pm #

      Thanks for this. Yeah, I guess sometimes I wrestle really hard with this feeling that I’m doing this for someone else, but really, I am doing it for me. Thanks for your comment…! xx

  6. soberjournalist August 8, 2013 at 8:36 pm #

    Sorry to hear you’ve had a rough couple of days. Firstly, you have my utmost respect for working from home, alone! I don’t know how you do it. I personally need an imminent deadline and a boss breathing down my neck to get things done…

    What you’ve described definitely sounds like wolfie to me. I relate to a lot of what you’re saying though. Sometimes I miss the silliness of getting drunk; the chance to be irresponsible and just say ‘fuck it’. Like you say, it wasn’t all bad…but a lot of bad stuff did happen and people like us pay a high price for the ‘good times’. I always went too far – but it’s easy to forget that.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 9, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

      Thanks for this! Yeah, it IS easy to forget just why we quit in the first place. And, despite the slow pace at which I feel I’m getting a professional life back, I have to remember to SEE how far I’m come. I have changed a lot of things in my life, all of it for the better. It IS the voice of craving, I know it is; all this rationalizing is actually making me roll my eyes at myself!

      What really helps it to remember (and boy, do I ever) just how bad it got, and frankly, how impossibly horrible my hangovers were. I can’t deal with that again, the drinking is SO not worth (and never was) the hangover.

  7. Tracy August 9, 2013 at 10:03 am #

    I get it….I miss the steam I used to have albeit for a brief time. I would always end up in a mess in the end…..btw, what does wolfie mean?

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 9, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

      The “wolf” voice, a term Belle invented, I think, is the voice of craving, that voice inside your head saying things like, “Drinking is OK, c’mon, it’s not that bad, you can handle it this time, it’ll be so much better if you drink, drinking will somehow make everything better, drinking is fun…blah blah blah.” All of which we now know, as soberites, is totally NOT TRUE. Drinking is not fun, and is not a reward, and all the rationalizing you do (and eventually end up being able to detach yourself from, observe and not react to) in order to allow yourself to drink is that voice. I call him “wolfie-boy” and I like to kick him in the head, or the balls, whichever is closer to my foot at the time!

      Thanks for getting it. I’m not sure how to explain it; I think it’s more this recklessness toward decision-making, which has become an almost overly-cautiousness now. I don’t know if that’s related to me being sober, me settling down, so to speak (in a relationship), me getting older (now in my late 30s), or what, but…I don’t know how to process it and I don’t know if I like the “new me,” as it were. It adds up to me wanting to “solve” this unknown by drinking, I guess, which is a known. Hmm…

      Thanks for being there. xx

  8. furtheron August 9, 2013 at 11:37 am #

    Congratulations on another day sober.

    My life is so much better since I stopped drinking. However I earn a fraction of what I once did, I have totally different “friends”, now I have real friends actually, it is all good. But it took years to get clear, months just to get to not thinking of drink in wishful terms. So hang in there just keep moving it does get better,well it did for me.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 9, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

      Wow, thanks. I needed this. I love how you said that, “not thinking of drinking in wishful terms.” Totally. Wishful terms, indeed!

      It’s really good to hear from someone who admits to it taking years to get clear (bingo), months (yup) just to stop wanting to be able to drink normally again and have fun with it. Sometimes even I’m astounded by the fact that I’m still sober, like, what is driving me? I think it is this knowledge that my life is, as you said, so much better and this undeniable inner knowing that it is BECAUSE I GOT OFF THE ROLLERCOASTER RIDE and got sober.

      I also really appreciate you admitting that you make less now, have totally different friends (I have few at the moment, mainly by choice and well, lack of clarity on my part on what I want in a friendship, I think I’ve realized), etc.

      Thanks for this. And continue to rock on! xx

  9. Former Escape Artist August 9, 2013 at 10:06 pm #

    I think you’re doing well staying sober. But what have you been doing for fun? It’s time to reinvent yourself !!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 10, 2013 at 11:10 am #

      Been thinking about your comment all night (and now, this morning): what DO I do for fun? Good question. It is time to re-invent; I have to really invest in that simple directive. Thank you, FMA!

      • Former Escape Artist August 10, 2013 at 11:53 pm #

        I know it helped me to try out hobbies and activities that enjoyed BEFORE I started drinking. Like stuff I liked when I was 12-16. Soccer comes to mind. I’m not that good, but I have really enjoyed playing pickup games or just kicking the ball around. There’s a few other things that I “restarted”. I used to love riding my bike before I started drinking and partying – so I do that now too!

  10. carrythemessage August 9, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

    you know, DDG, I was thinking about this post a lot, and my intention was going to be this long winded (me? long winded? never! lol) thing about this and that and something else, but you know what? There is a lot of love and good stuff in the comments so far. And you yourself sound much different in response to your readers’ comments – like you had that psychic space to rebound back from your initial thoughts. All I can say is that yeah, sometimes sobriety does suck and there are some bad hours or days at times. I would be lying to the newcomer to say it’s all bunny rabbits and rainbows. But we all have bad patches, sober or not. I get them too. The only thing I would add is that the idea of missing “me” and “my life” skews things – it gives the idea that you are without, incomplete, not fully there. And for me, I had to let go of that idea. You yourself recall what it was like for you. So is that the “real” you? Or is it an idea of a “you” that once existed? I can’t live trying to recapture an old idea of me in the here and now. I will always fall short. And that will breed resentment.

    Reinventing ourselves (as the last commenter suggested) is what we can do to distance ourselves from the romantic notion of a time when things were good – rewards, etc. We can still have rewards, but it just ain’t a glass of wine…lol. Because that rewards soon turns to a regret later down the line when one glass of wine is no longer a reward but a bottle of grief. And the cycle continues.

    Anyway, sorry if this is rambling (so much for not being long winded…ha ha)

    Glad you’re feeling a bit more spry and back on your feet ๐Ÿ™‚

    Love and light,
    Paul

    • Drunky Drunk Girl August 10, 2013 at 11:22 am #

      Thanks, Paul. Brilliant comment. Yes, I am taking Former Escape Artist’s simple comment to heart: time to re-invent myself. Now…how? LOL.

      The thing I’ve always always had trouble with, and it’s probably why I drank to begin with, is, I don’t really know how to have fun. I don’t really have hobbies where I just let myself have fun. And, now that I really do have to invest some time re-inventing myself in all regards, well, that becomes a problem. What do I do in my free time? What do I have to look forward to? My old roommate is a clinical psychologist, and she would always ask me, So, are there things that you can plan, that you can look forward to, seeing how right now sucks (I think I was depressed or something at the moment). And I was like, Um, well, no. And I realized that it’s me, I’m not putting any effort into “fixing” my depression. Duh.

      It’s all about perspective for me, and that seems to change drastically from day to day sometimes, especially if I’m lazy about letting those thoughts of nostalgia creep back in. *Everything* in my life is different, not just hat I don’t go out to the proverbial bar anymore. I have to constantly maintain that sense of this being good be*cause* it is different, not despite the fact.

      So, yeah. At the end of the day (literally) I know now that drinking would not make it better. I can’t imagine being hung over. I wake up most mornings feeling sort of hung over anyway, so… LOL. I have to learn to associate my new lifestyle with something I have, not don’t have. Also, harkening back to one of your last posts, I really have to stop thinking about what I can’t, or am not, doing; and instead, think about what I CAN do. It’s the only way to move forward, I’ve realized. That is probably the most important thing I see myself falling into that I can easily change to pep myself up: quit thinking about what I’m not good at, or can’t do! Find some things I am good at, I can do. There are a bunch.

      Sigh. Sometimes I long for my early 30s self, though! I feel so burdened now with…The Truth.

      Rambling now. Thanks for your comment, as usual. xx

      • carrythemessage August 10, 2013 at 9:09 pm #

        If it makes you feel any better, I am in the same boat. I have been thinking of writing something about this very same topic you speak of here in your honest response here. I am still trying to figure out what gets my groove on, outside of this whole recovery thing (which I do enjoy, but would like to spread my wings, ya know??) It’s just something I think I am resigned to at the moment…I know something will come, but perhaps it’s not my timing. I too am like you in that if someone said – “ok, plan anything in the world you want – and I’ll make sure it happens – oh, and you don’t have to worry about anything – work, kids, responsibilities…just a whole day doing that one or few things that you’ve always dreamed of doing!!!”. I would probably have a blank stare and fumble for a response…I just wouldn’t have an answer. So I totally get it. But drinking is certainly not going to fill that void. It just can’t nor won’t. I might as well jump from a bridge now rather than go through the agony again. ugh.

        Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am with you on this, and perhaps it’s just part of the process for us. Perhaps we need to dig deeper, you and I, get out of our comfort zones and explore. I know, I hate exploring sometimes…lol. But hell, if nothing changes, nothing will change, right?

        Have a wonderful weekend ๐Ÿ™‚

        Paul

  11. brandyshocktreatment August 11, 2013 at 1:40 am #

    A lot of great comments on this one!

    I’ve made about 3 or 4 serious attempts to quit drinking in the past. Usually lasted about a month. One of the reasons is that my decision was never firm. I always left open the possibility that I might drink again.

    This time I finally decided that I had to stop drinking and that I could never drink alcohol again.

    When I took the 100 day challenge I knew in the back of my head that it was much more than that. I was going “all in” on something bigger. A challenge that will last me the rest of my life.

  12. No More Alcohol August 15, 2013 at 5:21 am #

    What happened to “don’t think, don’t drink, go to a meeting”. and “take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth”. My first sponsor told me 30+ yrs ago…”I never saw anyone too stupid to get the program, but have seen too many smart people never get it”. Keep it simple and one day at a time. Good luck on your journey. 37 yrs this past August for me and still keep it as simple as possible an hour at a time if necessary!!

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