Making my way through the confusion…

5 Sep

11:42 am

…sans The Grape. Without wine. Who would have thought it possible?

Lately, I’ve been feeling confused, torn, drawn in multiple directions, with too many and then, too few options. I want to do everything at once, and then, a few minutes later, nothing at all. I have mood swings, but they usually surface after a day sitting on my ass (which is starting to really hurt due to a stubborn sciatica flare–time to hit the gym), in front of my monitor, realizing that I spend 90 percent of my freelancing time LOOKING for work and only 10 percent actually DOING anything. So it goes. I’ve acquired enough assignments (two) and have enough money owed me, plus my savings, to get me through the next few months without too much financial stress. BUT, it’s only possible because my cost of living is so cheap–I moved from a big city to a small island, which, as you all know, adds even more new (confusing) possibilities to the mix.

Like, I might consider working the season down here as a server at one of the restaurants; maybe I could earn some extra money to pay down my graduate student loans while also–and this is funny–confront my HUGE FEAR of dealing with people on that level again? I KNOW, it’s not like I’d be flying an airplane, or reporting a story from Syria, but yet…it scares me to work as a server. I’m also sending out unsolicited letters to law firms, web design firms, and other “offshore”-type companies to see if someone, at some point, might need my services. I’m also, of course, sending out applications to science reporting jobs here and there in the States, mainly because why the hell not? It’s a familiar puzzle piece, and I am sort of having a seizure feeling like there is nothing familiar about my life anymore.

Like I mentioned in a comment to someone the other day, I just feel like nothing is familiar. NOTHING. Like, maybe I changed too much while getting sober! Duh. Of course, I did. But, I needed the changes. I needed to move, I needed to give my current relationship a chance, I needed to stop working full-time, I needed to focus on freelancing, I needed to apply for and then reject a graduate school program/move back to the Big Apple. I just needed to do all of these things, and now, well, after having been in a rut the past 4-6 weeks, overthinking everything–I feel confused.

I’m beginning to think this is life, this confusion. This confrontation of hard choices, all the time. It’s not that I want to drink to avoid the panic and/or confusion-induced lethargia–the opposite. I want to stay on point and keep moving forward, making choices with the best of my knowledge. So, in that regard, I do not want to drink. What makes me want to drink these days, mainly, is a desire for familiarity. I KNOW drinking, and I KNOW how it works (doesn’t) for me. I know where it fits in my life, and I know who I am (a crazy bitch) as a drinker. I don’t know how better to explain it, but sometimes I just blame sobriety, as if it were a shitty friend, having taking me away from my life, from me. Sobriety stole me from myself, and I don’t know who I am anymore. Correction: I know more who I am, but I don’t know how to work with that as easily as I know how to be Drunk Me. I know what Drunk Me would do, and how Drunk Me would react, and prioritize goals and activities. I’m not so sure how Sober Me does things, and I feel like I’m sort of flailing to organize my life, and my feelings, and my reactions.

All that being said, I know the best course of action is to simply keep doing what feels like plodding forward: make that to-do list, do what needs to be done, get as much done as possible (which always seems to be 2/10 things on the stupid list), and keep feeling my way forward. It brings to mind how I used to find my car, back in the day when I was just getting started being a blackout drunk, was living in a foggy (ahem) West Coast city, and had to street park my car every night, usually no less than a 15-minute walk from my apartment. Some mornings after a night of drinking (of course, I drove to and from the bar), I had a vague recollection of where I parked, and sometimes, I could conjure a flashback or two to give me enough of a trail to follow. But some days, I had NO conscious ability to remember–no flashes, no imprints whatsoever on my brain of where or how or when or with whom I had parked my car. So, I would relax my body, my mind, and just…walk. It was like I was willing my subconscious to remember by moving my legs, hoping that my motor memory would somehow guide me to my car. It usually worked; I always found my green Honda Civic.

That’s what I’m doing here, albeit with a little less guesswork. And, I’m going to give myself credit for a LOT more self-love in the process. Tick tock, tick tock, nine days on the clock (until my 180-day mark)!


8 Responses to “Making my way through the confusion…”

  1. Lisa Neumann September 5, 2013 at 12:09 pm #

    It is so wonderful to watch you grow (grow with you too). There is so much to say and yet nothing to say. You are facing this shit and getting through. What a wonderful gift. To love one’s self enough to face and feel the discomfort of life.

  2. Runningfromthebooze September 5, 2013 at 12:35 pm #

    Have you been peeking into my brain. Yes, all of this new confusing shit is from being sober. But its good new confusing shit. Sometimes I don’t even know where to start with all of the stuff going on in my brain. That’s when I usually go start a loaf of laundry just to give mysrlf a break. Hang in there.

  3. Former Escape Artist September 5, 2013 at 1:08 pm #

    You left the States? What an awesome adventure!

    What country?

  4. brandyshocktreatment September 5, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

    Hey! I live on an island too! 🙂 Crazy.

    It’s not a complete island anymore though. Back in the day they filled in some to run the highway through.

    I was thinking the same thing as Runningfromthebooze. It’s amazing how much us sober people have in common hehe. Your post reminds me of my post from last night.

  5. furtheron September 5, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

    9 days!!! Brilliant.

    So… I’m 51 in a months time… now what am I going to do when I grow up? I still do honestly feel like that a bit – the confronting confusion is life isn’t it? Some you do learn to manage like now… problem with the computer, run the three different virus/malware things I have, 2 both find things, remove them, review the web advice – I’m supposedly an IT professional for crying out loud and realised only slowly that my wifi security was compromised. So get on the router follow the instructions and change it, help my family reconfigure all their devices. Done. No panic, no “woo is me” moment, just logically done.

    But now – what should I do with my investment portfolio now I don’t earn enough to cover my outgoings whilst I start my course next week and through the next year at least… right lets just put on a CD, read a book, comment on blogs do anything but actually confront that one… hopeless… Progress (slow) not perfection

  6. Gina @Endestruction September 6, 2013 at 7:40 am #

    I drove a blue Honda civic (coupe) back in the days where I would drive around and not remember how I got home or how I ended up waking up on my couch with some random guy who wreaked of disgusting cigarettes. Or how I stumbled around the streets of Atlantic City when I was furious at my boyfriend and was in no condition to walk through the parking garage by myself, let alone, drive my car home. Ahh, long gone are those days and that girl!
    I am a completely different entity when I’m sober; we all are. And it takes time to rediscover yourself after submitting to alcohol and God knows what else for so many years. The first year of my sobriety was the hardest. But my mother’s cirrhosis helped to keep my path clear of alcohol. And now, going on my second year, I’m still trying to figure out who I am. I mean, I know who I am, but I don’t always know where I’m going or what the next step will be. I might think I have an idea, but sometimes, sobriety scares the shit out of me because I know that there will never be any more excuses to fail.
    Good luck on those resumes!

  7. changingcoursenow September 6, 2013 at 10:30 am #

    Yes, we are re-inventing ourselves aren’t we? I never feel like I have taken away anything…just that I have now given myself a huge gift. What to do with that gift?? That is the big question. I just love that I now have CONTROL over those decisions. That is my new mantra…CONTROL. Up until 89 days ago, Wolfie had control. Now I’ve taken it back. My bucket list keeps growing and that is the problem for me. I’m learning from other bloggers that it is a problem when you get sober. We find we have so much more time now and we want to fill it up…which brings on a new set of challenges, obstacles, stressors. So, I take a breath…make some tea…pet my dog…and thank God that I have CONTROL over all of it. Hugs!

  8. carrieonsober September 6, 2013 at 4:02 pm #

    Great big sober muscles being flexed here. You sound so much stronger. THAT’S what makes it easier bit by bit until we stare that fucking wolf in the face and say, yeah sure I could drink, but what’s the fucking point in that? There’s no point at all unless I want to stop living my actual live again? And yeah, sure, life sucks sometimes and I am not really sure what to do. But drinking sucks waaaay more, so i’m not fucking falling for that!

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