Going through the motions/new directions

25 Sep

8:27 pm

Yesterday and today, I basically took one big break from my freelance writing stuff to actually look for other work down here. And, I’m mostly OK with that. Yeah, I feel like I’ve given up too soon (and, I haven’t even given up, I’ve just decided to pursue a few new, non-writing-related things–oh, me), but if you don’t have the story ideas, or the editorial connections, or, worse, the ambition to go out and get both; then, you have to accept what is. Which is this, right here.

Don’t get me wrong: I am full, and glad, and relatively content. I have gotten through some things, over some major hurdles, professionally. Yet, if I had more drive, I could have done SO much more by now. I just could have. I haven’t, and it’s a daily struggle for me not to beat myself up, get down, or become anxious about “squandered opportunities,” blah blah blah. It’s a daily game I have to play, massaging my thoughts and redirecting them into a positive direction (look at what you HAVE gotten done, it’s going to take a LOT more work so just keep plugging, baby steps, one thing at a time, etc.).

I will bounce back, it’s just going to take some time. And more patience than I ever thought myself capable of, toward myself. What a novelty, having patience with myself! What a novelty, congratulating her for the little victories, even allowing her a treat after those seemingly-miniscule wins! (Yesterday’s was a big bowl of chocolate-covered pretzels, raisins, and walnuts–something I never allowed myself due to expense and well, fat content. Oh, me.)

So while yesterday was about (painfully) going through the motions, today was about new directions. Somehow I snapped out of my funk, mustered some old enthusiasm, and got out there. I went to a bakery (assistant), a hotel, a restaurant association (server), and a private school (substitute teacher/teaching assistant). We’ll see where I land. It’s different–MUCH different–from what I’m used to (white collar, information-age jobs), but c’est la vie, right? It also just makes me realize how few actual skills I have! Sure, I can surf the interwebs with the best of them and type 60 words per minute–and write about scientific research from the (dis)comfort of my office chair–but…what do I actually KNOW HOW TO DO? It’s a wake-up call, for sure.

I’m ambivalent, to say the least. Or, maybe just indifferent. At this point, I need to start making more money. Not to mention, I need a break from sitting in front of my monitor, spinning my wheels all day.

Today, I felt pretty good. Like, my old, confident self. On my walk tonight (I have cut out all running and any activity that will unnecessarily contract my butt and groin muscles, as part of the sciatica healing process–talk about patience…Grrrrr), I thought, and with some clarity: maybe this whole getting “sober” thing has been a huge mindfuck? I mean, sometimes I really do think that the sheer act of thinking about all this shit, of unnecessarily pathologizing my drinking problem, has caused me a whole lot of counterproductive navel-gazing and personal stalling. I can’t help but think, Enough already. So I drank. So I did stupid shit while drunk. Remind me again why I had to spend the past 16 months thinking about it all? Honestly, a part of me believes that it’s the pathologizing that sets us back. It’s made me feel broken, unable, incapable, weak. It made me doubt myself down to the very fiber of my being. Was that the intention? Did it have to be the case? Was it something that I did to myself, me alone? Or, is it normal when you quit drinking?

In any case, I’m kind of over this recovery shit. Sorry to say, but that’s the way I feel about it right now. Will I drink again? I don’t know. It’s a passing thought. I don’t have the urge, but a part of me continues to wonder: would I get some of that focus and fire and drive and passion back, if I did?

Like I said, just a passing thought–oops, there it goes. Buh-bye.

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4 Responses to “Going through the motions/new directions”

  1. furtheron September 26, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    In listening to others I’ve learnt we are all different. However many stop drinking and then find it is hard to live with themselves and their past. I’ve heard a lot admit to a lower rock bottom after that than in the drinking days. For me not like that but I still get fed up at times with the over analytical thoughts. Focus on things is a good way to move the brain on.

  2. Mrs D September 26, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

    The curse of the busy brain… always thinking analyzing thinking… Personally I just think you’re doing great, I always appreciate your musings but I can understand why you want to take a break for a while. So what does a person with a busy brain do to take a break. Reality TV!!!!!!!!!!! Chick Lit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Make an elaborate curry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just stuff for the sake of pure indulgence and pleasure. I’m sure you’ll have your things. Go do them! xxx

    • Drunky Drunk Girl September 26, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      Haha. Funny, I just DID make an elaborate curry! Coconut, red curry, lime! 🙂 Yup, lots of TV, too, which is great: I love stories, and I love watching series. My newest “fix” is The Walking Dead. Anyway, thank you, Mrs. D…

  3. carrythemessage September 26, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

    I have struggled with this kind of this for some time, DDG. I have written about it too – too much recovery, too much navel-gazing, paralysis by analysis, etc. I think we all go through this, at some point. I remember telling this tale of recovery-itis on a recovery board (lol) and one person (who didn’t know me) guessed my recovery time. So it seems that we all get to some point where we stop our “recovery-ness” and look around and say “ah, is there more to this than *this*??” ha ha…and you seem to be there. I think if you look around some of the blogs now, the topics have shifted, the tones different, the ideas changed…more about exercise, eating, reading, writing, different hobbies, etc. Many of us have branched out and left the idea of recovery as something 24/7 behind. I know that I got out of that not too long ago, and realized that sobriety is for living , not for living for recovery. It’s a way of life, not THE way of life. And it’s ok to be pissed off about it, to say you’ve had it.

    the danger is to go away too far from it, and stopping it all completely. Balance is the key and I am sure you will find it. Take a break from here and the blogs. I did that recently. Found myself doing all sorts of new things. Came back a few weeks later recharged, with a different perspective. And that’s what it is – perspective.

    Glad you got it out here…your blog, your safe space.

    Do some of the things Mrs. D suggested. Try a new course. Cooking class? lol. Get more active physcially. Play the lute…whatever. It’s a groovy thing to go in new directions, as you mentioned.

    If I don’t see ya around here much, I understand.

    Have fun out there, DDG. We’re always here 🙂

    Love and light (and hugs)

    Paul

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