“If I feel this way tomorrow, I’m going to drink”

20 Oct

10:29 am

And, I woke up feeling the same way I felt last night, and the night before, and the night before. Am I glad I wasn’t also hung over? YES. Will I drink tonight? I don’t know.

I feel like a lot of the time, I’m waiting for my “break.” I never get to escape, turn it off. It’s maddening. No amount of “wholesome” fun, like yoga, running, swimming, socializing sober, even JOB FUCKING SEARCHING ON A SATURDAY NIGHT (welcome to the reality of freelance writing) can fully mask the feeling that all these things are just placeholders for the real deal.

Yet, I have to ask myself, is drinking the real deal? Even as I whine about having no escape, no down time, and thinking that wine will fix this agitation, this irritated hole; I’m not at all sure that it WILL. And, I know from waking up this morning, and feeling an emotional hangover, it would have been SO much worse had I drunk (copious amounts, I’m sure) out of desperation last night and added a physical one on top of it.

So, I move ahead today. With my aching heart and burning, twisted stomach, forcing a smile and doing what needs to be done. Check, check, check. I know eventually it’ll lift, and at some point today, I’ll be doing things more out of “yay” and less out of “have to do this, here, I’ve done it.” I guess.

Strange days, indeed.

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25 Responses to ““If I feel this way tomorrow, I’m going to drink””

  1. Belle October 20, 2013 at 10:36 am #

    holy bad times, batman! when i feel like that, i make a plan to drink in a *week*. and it always passes. every time in the past 15.5 months it has passed. day 1 sucks rocks. mighty. today may suck, too, but a day filled with angst and restlessness isn’t the same as a day filled with regret and illness and drunken nonsense. The break from life? sleep. cake. tea. nap. and repeat as often as necessary. drinking to cure boredom is a shortcut to hell. not that i have an opinion or anything.. hugs from me.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:33 pm #

      Just a bad few days, but I got through ’em…thanks to you guys! πŸ™‚ I keep in mind your “I’ll drink in a week plan” ALL THE TIME. Every time I want to drink, like today or tomorrow, I think of giving it a week instead. Right now, I feel a bit stuck on this sobriety ride, like my car is the one dangling upside down as the ride comes to a temporary halt. BUT, it’d be a lot worse if I had a hangover… LOL–shortcut to Hell, indeed! HUGS.

  2. carrythemessage October 20, 2013 at 10:48 am #

    I hear you DDG. Some days are a trudge. A slog. A twist in the quicksand. I can’t say when it will turn for you. It’s different for everyone. I have seen in some of your posts that turn at times. That breakthrough feeling of knowing deep down that drinking won’t do anything. That zest for life, even if life isn’t loving us completely back. But this is where the trudging comes in. Believe me, I know that voice. I have had it creep in now and then even now for me. But as soon as it hits, I just know it ain’t gonna happen. thank you for sharing voice, now get lost. Cue the film and watch my life go backwards. Into shame and guilt and just ugliness.

    it’s ok to have these days where things feel shitty and you’re tossing the idea of a drink like a football…we’re alcoholics. We think of booze at times. That’s just how it rolls. But the thoughts don’t drive us – it’s how we react to them.

    Anyway, I hope that you get past this today. You are right – this is not about distracting ourselves. That does only so much. It’s a deeper thing, an inside job. This is the journey for us all, and it’s an individual journey. Be gentle on yourself.

    Blessings,
    Paul

  3. Goldengate Girl October 20, 2013 at 11:51 am #

    Comgratulations on 200 PLUS DAYS! Such an accomplishment. Thank you so much for this post. It is someting I needed to read this morning. I wanted so much to have brunch with mimosas. I work hard and should treat myself right? But do I really want to ruin my Sunday by being buzzed, tired and remorseful? I need to learn to let myself sit and feel the agitation and not be driven to fill the hole with a quick fix. Hang in there and take in this beautiful day!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:35 pm #

      Thank you, Goldengate Girl! You’re right, and I don’t want to feel buzzed, tired, and remorseful either! I’m just glad I made it through the past few days, and now it’s…onward! Thanks again… πŸ˜‰

  4. soberjournalist October 20, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    Ah I hear you on this one. I so wish it was still possible to just check out of life for a while, especially when things are tough… I used to plan a big binge to cope with exactly this kind of thing. But as you say, it wouldn’t actually help with anything. A drinking binge just postpones the problem and causes a whole load of other crap. I hope you get out of this fog soon. That’s how it seems to me – a fog.

    I feel a bit lame writing this, but what about going to see a movie? Last time felt like this I went to see an upbeat film on my own in the middle of the afternoon. Wild, huh?

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

      Wow, you hit it on the head! It is exactly like a fog to me–I feel almost blinded by it, and I wander around, wondering simply how to get out, how to make it stop, how to clear it…

      And, your suggestion for a movie was GREAT! You know what I did instead (that is way more lame than a movie)? I listed to the Katy Perry Youtube channel. *cringe* It helped, though! πŸ™‚

      • soberjournalist October 22, 2013 at 4:50 am #

        Hilarious – i had know idea there was such a thing!
        I might have to check it out myself…

  5. furtheron October 20, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

    The hole in the soul. I’ve heard it called that Ulf emotional rock bottom that follows the physical rock bottom of drinking. For me I was lucky it first hit me while still in rehab then again when trying to live sober in my first year. But I’d heard others talk of it, didn’t stop it but I weathered it.

    For me one of the biggest reasons I drank

  6. furtheron October 20, 2013 at 12:42 pm #

    Lost a really good reply. Darn!

    I drank because I couldn’t be alone with myself so I had to learn slowly win I was and to learn to like myself enough to be comfortable in my own skin. Keeping busy is good but figuring out what you like Joe don’t like abut yourself and how to deal with what you don’t has for me been the key to success in my “trudge to happy destiny”

    Stay safe and sober and good luck.

  7. Lisa Neumann October 20, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

    This is so interesting to read this today. I smelled, just last night, some people smoking (not cigarettes btw) and thought OMG that seems so wonderful to just escape it all. It lingered for about 2 minutes (that’s a long, long time for me) I was thinking f-it on the parenting, the marriage, the blog, the book, the blah, blah, blah …. yes all within 2 minutes. And then I had that sweet moment of remembering that I never have one of anything. Everything is “worse” like you said. I had to do the “check, check, check” Today I’m laughing at myself. Thank god I’m still sober and especially thankful that I know that is not the last time I will feel that way. Hang in there. I love ya.

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:42 pm #

      Aww, thank you, Lisa! So glad to know that I’m not the only one with these ups and downs, party-crashing thoughts. I actually ended up having a productive Sunday, but…it just feels like there is so much missing sometimes–like, a huge piece of me. Maybe I’ve just become too used to never having an unproductive (hungover) day and my standards are higher now? Whatever…thinking thinking thinking.

      YES, so much to consider now if we do decide to drink again. I feel like my sober wire is getting stronger and holding more weight, like I can balance much easier, even with stuff in both hands! I could never have said that even a few months ago, so…yeah, I let the cravings pass and make my way through the fog until it clears. Because that is way better than going back to what used to be.

      Thank you! πŸ™‚

  8. Iambizi October 20, 2013 at 2:23 pm #

    Just take today as it comes….that is all that we have. try no to worry about tomorrrow.
    I know that sounds trite.
    Happiness comes from with in…happiness is a decision. you really can choose to be happy.
    hang in there sorry it is so hard right now.rmember that things change they always do you won’t feel like this forever.
    good luck getting out of this place that you are in.
    keep blogging, lots of support here.
    bizi

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:42 pm #

      Yes, you can choose to be happy! Thank you for this! πŸ™‚

  9. Running From the Booze October 20, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    Awww, DDG. I know the feeling, too. One constant is…..later. Later on, even if unicorns haven’t shit glitter and rainbows all over my world, I’m glad I didn’t drink. β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯β™₯

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:44 pm #

      Hahaha. Let’s be glad we didn’t drink together (which I didn’t!), EVEN IF our unicorns never shit glitter again! Thank you… πŸ™‚

  10. thirstystill October 20, 2013 at 4:11 pm #

    I like your phrase, “placeholders for the real deal.” It seems you’re getting more at the existential questions, rather than how to get through the next moment, though getting through the next moment is part of it. A little while ago, I read a blog post about finding meaning after giving up drinking, and it really resonated with me.The writer quotes an old friend who had stopped drinking 40 years earlier:

    β€˜The real question isn’t how to stop drinking or even how to stay stopped. The real question is the same one we all face at 29 or 50 or 65 years of age. How do we live meaningful lives? Not happy-ever-after fantasies or lazy, comfortable lives, but lives that may help us acquire wisdom…

    β€˜When we sober up,’ he says, β€˜We get a wake-up call to pay attention to beauty and mystery and practical realities, to search out some kind of purpose and meaning. We look at what is not there in culture and our messed-up civilzation. We look at what is missing, what is necessary for the soul and the body, what good or bad might mean in our daily difficult lives.’

    I’ll link the original post here so you can read the whole thing if you like:

    http://louisey.wordpress.com/2013/09/19/what-we-mean-to-say-when-we-talk-about-meaning/

    I’m not trying to offer an answer, of course. I’m just commenting to acknowledge your question, which I think is a good one, one that’s sometimes left out of the drink vs don’t drink discussion. These questions can get a person down, but not asking them gets me down even more. Sorry, I’m not offering cheery help here, but I hope there might be some solace in what Louisey’s wise old friend has to say.

    Take good care.
    T

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:46 pm #

      GREAT comment. I will check out this post…

      Yes, I think there is that question behind every addiction, and I don’t understand why it seems like it’s never broached (by the average joe trying to get why people become addicts). I mean, every time I feel triggered to drink, it boils down to angst about what my purpose here is, what I’m supposed to be doing; or, feeling frustrated that I don’t know or didn’t accomplish something I wanted. Anyway, thank you! πŸ™‚

    • Runningfromthebooze October 21, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

      Wonderful comment.

  11. healthappinessober October 21, 2013 at 11:34 am #

    Aghhhh&^^#!YE!JHJGSGHjhgd& I can SO relate to this.

    I feel like a little weenie because I am on day 4 and still your words resonate with me. Is that weird? Anyway – thank you for your honesty & courage to put this out there. You, in your real-ness (made up word?) are inspiring me and many others.

    Onward and up!

    • Drunky Drunk Girl October 21, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      NOT weird at all! I felt this way when I first quit, too, but…much worse then. The feeling comes and goes now, but not as bad or as much as before–way easier. Stay strong–you can do this! If *I* can do it…LOL. Thank you for reading and being here. πŸ™‚

  12. Rorurimama7 October 22, 2013 at 12:21 am #

    I need you to know I am a sober girl following you as a gawker for sometime.. I found Belle thru you, and I want to thank you on so many levels.. I write in a blog here as well.. I know “island life” my aunt lives in USVI.. I am also a woman who is trying to battle her drunky behavior.. Seriously, thank you!

  13. carrieonsober October 22, 2013 at 2:08 am #

    I still get the ‘where is my crazy?’ times too. like on Mondays and someone asks about how my weekend was…and I think, ‘God, if I told you exactly how it was, it would sound SO FUCKING BORING!’ So, I exaggerate, cause they don’t really care anyway, just say what they want to hear. But I need boring, routine, consistency, in my life, my body is thankful for it. It’s just not always what I think I want?! There will always be a side of me wanting to be reckless. Just like for 25 years there was always a side of me that wanted some calm…and I ignored it for too long. So, this is just another phase of life, with different ups and downs. Time and patience are something I am just getting to know.
    Hugs x

  14. Lilly October 23, 2013 at 7:54 am #

    Hello!

    I’ve been a bit absent lately so have just been catching up on all your posts and god I’m glad you’re here, still sober, still blogging. You always give me a great stuff to think about – even when I don’t actually comment.

    Anyhoo, I am ill equipped to give good advice right now – being in a similar kind of ‘god, this whole sober is feeling kinda boring’ kind of funk – but I’m glad you didn’t drink. It really wouldn’t actually help. Well, maybe it would for about 20 minutes but that’s about it. This is what I keep trying to remind myself. That for the most part drinking had stopped being much fun and the escape/euphoria was fleeting. That, and being afraid all the good new things and feelings slowly building as a result of almost six months sober will swirl down the drain hole if I drink again.

    Think about that post a few posts back about how it’s taken you this year to feel ready to reconnect with life. Do you really want to go back to square one? Hell no I know you don’t.

    Also, I have to say, I have thought a lot about your one night of drinking lately as I’m almost at six months and have been having some big cravings. I think about how you just drank the once and think maybe I could do that too. Bad. But then I think about how you said it threw you off mentally for a long time and that really helps. Good! These cravings are becoming more and more sporadic. I don’t want to go back to the all-consuming craving, drinking, quitting, drinking cycle again. Fuck that shit.

    Hang in there babe.

    Lilly xo

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