Work is still my trigger, I just don’t react to that trigger

13 Nov

9:50 pm

Last night and this morning, I was in a horrible, type-A mood. Still sort of am! So impatient, so all about perfecting the process. I took yesterday off, and so today, I had to schedule about 4 hours of interviews. These were all for highly technical pieces, with business folk, so…you can’t be on your B-game (as sometimes you can be with scientists, because they’re more relaxed, willing to explain, tolerant of “dumb” questions).

Sigh. I realized two things: one, I really need to learn how to go with the flow again; and, two, even while I am passively disliking my work, I need it, like a fix.

The first is simple to examine: I have lost my desire to solve problems, to put up with glitches. And, let’s face it, LIFE is full of them. What I think it boils down to is having to be in a semi-agitated state all the time, constantly resisting the urge to drink. I mean, I still want to drink, and I still can’t drink. And, that takes energy, it takes work. It’s tiring being sober. (It’s also tiring having constant pain in my lower back, and having to worry constantly about making next month’s bills.) The point is, when you’re always on like this, it’s hard to be able to tolerate the little things. Like my phone not working. Like having to fix my gadgets–I HATE fixing gadgets, I just want them to work! Last night and today, I got so irritated by my phone not working, and a little thing that could’ve easily been solved turned into a big thing that ended up really pissing me off.

All that being said, I know I just have to find a way to be sober AND dig deeper. Channel more tolerance of the “problems” that I used to find fun to solve, of the bumps in the road, the minor obstacles. What can I do to manifest more patience? A walk helps. Petting the dogs. Laughing at something, anything. Just feeling grateful–I am alive, and I remember being more playful when it came to “things,” so it will come back with time. It has to, right?

The second thing is something I have to sit with. It’s like, I can’t wait until my work is done, is the overriding thought in my mind. And, After my work is done, I will have wine–well, that used to be the second thought. So, the problem is, I “hate” what I do? Yet, I get off on it. I NEED it, I can’t not do it. Is this passion, or insanity? Is it workaholism? For now, I don’t have time to change it; I need and want to make a living the way I need and want to. It’s an “it is what it is” kind of thing–like drinking was for years and years until one day, I just had to fucking deal with it. So, I leave it there, un-excavated, and continue living, working, being sober, and giving myself a glitter ball every now and then. Good enough.

Belle made a point in an awesome podcast about being a “dry drunk” today. I agree, that we don’t have to do anything besides be sober. No rules, no expectations beyond that. I am taking it a step further to say, no expectations beyond that UNTIL you’re ready. Until you’re ready, all the shit in the shit-pit can wait. It can decompose even! As I commented on Jen’s (who just hit 90 days–WOOT!) blog tonight, you don’t have to unearth anything right now. If you don’t want to do it right now, do not. DO NOT. Time will eventually come in and say, It’s time. Your heart and inner strength will tell you when you are ready, and YOU WILL BE. Until then, all you have to do is not drink.

Me, too. Me, too.

(Btw, 240 days today!)

Advertisements

5 Responses to “Work is still my trigger, I just don’t react to that trigger”

  1. bizi November 13, 2013 at 11:16 pm #

    well said!
    congratulations! Staying sober is the first thing on our radar….
    bizi

  2. furtheron November 14, 2013 at 8:08 am #

    You need my friends spiritual enlightenment course… basic level – “It will be all right in the end” – therefore stop fretting about it and let it happen. After years you’ll get his advanced status which is “Actually it is all right now” So no need to worry… serenity will be yours. Yes ok back on planet earth… the little things annoy me too, like my phone won’t now work with my work email since they upgraded the work system. It is my phone so my issue to fix… grrr… just bloody work!

    The one thing I find now in my sobriety is that I really can’t be arsed with a lot of the work stuff – it all seems so futile. The all rush hither and thither chasing this meeting and that action and they all grab for their slice of the budget and resources and I sit there and think – “you know none of this has any real baring on what really matters does it”… now there in lies my issue

    But as you and Belle point out – I’m sober today exactly 9 years 6 months since I last took a drink – but all that matters still is that I’m sober today – that is the principle thing I have to be concerned about and that alone

  3. jenisthesoberist November 14, 2013 at 9:43 am #

    Huh. I have been reading a little about PAWS today … have you looked into it at all? One of the main symptoms is an inability to solve problems. The article I read also said it often peaks between 3-6 months, but can take up to 2 years of abstinence to go away completely. It struck me when I was reading your post that there MIGHT be some similarities.That is for you to decide, though, my friend! Here’s the link I was reading if you are interested.

    http://whatmesober.com/personal-writing-about-addiction-and-recovery/early-recovery/paws/

    • Drunky Drunk Girl November 14, 2013 at 10:28 am #

      Jen,
      I *know* I have PAWS-related stuff–my lack of motivation being the main one, but also lack of focus, problem-solving deficiencies, and poor short-term memory (lack of attention). I’ve been waiting for this shit to go away for a year now! LOL It’s like, it taken me until oh, about now, to even be able to feel excited about doing things like going to dinner or doing my journalism work without wine. It’s like, my brain was so wired to think that wine was the only reward worth having. Wine became an essential part of why I did things, in work and socializing (two sides to the same coin in the world of media) situations.

      I do think it takes at least a good 9 months, maybe 12, maybe even those 2 years! Sure, you’re not drinking, but you’re still dragging. I was totally surprised to see myself still dragging going on a year, but it’s *finally* getting better. It’s never been a BIG deal, but I was like, why don’t I enjoy things yet, truly deep down? It’s coming back…

      Thanks for this, and just keep going–it will take time, but all these symptoms will ease for you, too.

      HUGS!

  4. changingcoursenow November 14, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

    Congrats on 240! That’s a big deal!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Finding a Sober Miracle

A woman's quest for one year of sobriety

parking lot pushups

Because I will be stronger.

Dorothy Recovers

An evolving tale of a new life in recovery

Lose 'da Booze

MY Journey towards Losing 'da Booze Voice within and regaining self-control

Life Out of the Box

Buy a product, help a person in need + see your impact.

Laurie Works

Intuitive Tarot Guidance

Drunky Drunk Girl

A blog about getting sober

New Adventures of the Old Me...

A Woman,Mother, and Wife, makeing sense of life...

The Soberist Blog

a life in progress ... sans alcohol

soberjessie

Getting sober to be a better mother, wife, and friend

mentalrollercoaster

the musings and reflections of one person's mental amusement park

TRUDGING THROUGH THE FIRE

-Postcards from The Cauldron

Guitars and Life

Blog about life by a music obsessed middle aged recovering alcoholic from South East England

changingcoursenow

A woman's journey to happiness and health

Sober Identity

Sober Identity #Life Coach #The 50+ Years #Striving #Thriving #38-Empowering Affirmations #"Emerge: Growing From Addiction-Starter's Guide" #AfterRehabCoaching #Motivate

WELL CALL ME CRAZY

This WordPress.com site is about hope, trauma, hypocrisy, and transformation.

A Canvas Of The Minds

A unique collaboration of different perspectives on mental health and life

married to an alcoholic

life with an alcoholic husband

Life Unbuzzed

Rowing my sober boat gently down the stream

ChardonNo!

Original Goal: 100 Days of Sobriety - New Goal: 200 Days

Sober Grace

Finding and practicing grace in recovery

IRETA

Institute for Research, Education & Training in the Addictions

Mended Musings

Healing, Feeling, Thriving

Brandy Shock Treatment

Therapy for an alcoholic

Stinkin' Thinkin'

muckraking the 12-step industry

Sober Politico

Young and Sober, Surrounded by Egos and Alcohol

Carrie On Sober

A blog to help keep me on the right track...

My Healing Recovery

Healing from the inside

The Sober Journalist

A blog about quietly getting sober

mysterygirlunknown

My Desire for a New and Better Life

Arash Recovery

My journey to get back on my feet

Mished-up

Mixed-up, Mashed-up, Mished-up.

The Party Doesn't Leave the Girl

a memoir of sobriety...today.

Good2begone

I'm not really here.

Below Her Means

a little of everything.

themiracleisaroundthecorner

There are no coincidences.

The Red Sox Saved My Life

A peek into the recovery of another drunk.

1800ukillme

Just another WordPress.com site

The Existential Addict

One choice at a time...

Al K Hall-ic Anonymous

Get With The Program.

thinkingaboutgratitude

How gratitude has helped me stay sober, "one day at a time."

Living Life In Control

A journey into taking control of life and seeing what's on the other side of the mountain

A Life Less Scripted

Adventure Travel

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

%d bloggers like this: