This, too, shall pass

11 May

1:04 pm

My mom used to and probably still does say this all the time. Such a simple expression, but in action, so majorly effective.

I had to withstand one of those bored-agitated moods last night, and I ended up relying on “this, too, shall pass.” It was the only tool I had left. That and, well, habit of not drinking, ever. Most of the time, I feel too much inertia to get up and go out for a bottle–can you believe that? Last night, I was all, This is too hard now, This isn’t worth it, Who’s going to know?, Who even cares?, What’s one glass?… Mostly, I notice myself gearing up for the wedding–the confrontation with you-know-who, the fact that this will be the first time my manz is meeting the family–and this causes anxiety. I can feel it, and it makes me uncomfortable and preoccupied, but…I know that it is NOT WORTH DRINKING OVER. Plus, I trust that I can muster the calm to endure it for the next two weeks.

Honestly, I’m just worried–I guess is the best word for how I’m feeling–about having to meet and greet and live through an entire weekend with the brother’s girlfriend. I mean, I don’t know what to expect, and I can’t plan for anything but how I will (hopefully) react, which is to do and say nothing. I don’t like not knowing; she’s a wild card. I guess this is a good lesson in letting go, and not trying to orchestrate the universe, and taking care of MY reaction to others and not the other way around. I am not in control of anything but my own insides, which is hard to accept.

On the other (better) hand, I’m not so far gone that I don’t realize that this weekend will be the only time I’ll get to see my family, en masse, for a long while; and, it will be a superb ceremony; and, it will go fast–so, enjoy, and don’t fret the small stuff. And she is frankly, VERY small stuff.

I know this, but I’m still anxious, friends! Arg. This, too, shall pass. (And, once it does, it’ll be pretty much the only other “loose end” to tie off from my drinking days, not counting the people who either have written me off or are hiding their hurt but would like to confront me on something I said or did. Sigh. I’ve tried making amends, and it was a disaster; so, I have to trust that whoever is engaging with me now is not doing so in a passive aggressive way. Btw, I have not been in touch with my brother, and can I tell you how GOOD it feels to not be engaging in/buying into a passive aggressive relationship with him? Very empowering, actually; and, a relief. Sorry to say, but sometimes you just have to let them go, them being even family members.)

Anyway, last night, this did pass. I told myself, Self, you KNOW that this agitated mood will not be around in a few hours, so just sit here, suck it up, and try to distract yourself. Almost like ignoring the pain of a headache (which, actually, I also had), or the twinge of a bad sunburn. Why is it so hard to convince ourselves that this mental and/or emotional pain will pass? I mean, it DID pass, just like a wave. Just like it has been for the past two years! Just like the sunburn or the headache goes away after a predictable amount of time. My mood swing, or whatever this is–simple ennui, feeling unaccomplished, it was raining?–passed, like it always does, within a few hours.

And, am I glad I didn’t drink? Of course.

Remember: this, too, shall pass.

(On that note, I have to run! I promise to post more, and soon.)

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5 Responses to “This, too, shall pass”

  1. Maggie @ Sober Courage May 11, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    Love that saying too! Has saved me many times! I like the saying “Can’t have rainbows without the rain,” this one is good when I am stuck in the bad mood! 🙂

  2. nicolenaiad May 11, 2014 at 9:29 pm #

    “Why is it so hard to convince ourselves that this mental and/or emotional pain will pass?”

    In order to be happy and healthy, we must convince ourselves to live our lives in the moment. We must avoid ruminating over past events or anticipating future problems so that we won’t completely lose our minds.

    I learned some great mindfulness/awareness techniques during the year that I spent in and out of institutions (both rehab and psychiatric), such as breathing exercises, carefully listening to music, meditating, and a few others that I forget off the top of my head. This website is a great starting point, and there are links to other great sources as well: http://www.livingwell.org.au/mindfulness-exercises/.

    Also, don’t be afraid to lean on your fiance for support if needed. An arm around your shoulder or empathetic glance from him when things get tough can make a huge difference in this situation. I hope it goes well!

  3. Lulu May 12, 2014 at 1:06 pm #

    This part of your post — ” I guess this is a good lesson in letting go, and not trying to orchestrate the universe, and taking care of MY reaction to others and not the other way around. I am not in control of anything but my own insides, which is hard to accept.”
    is just so brilliant. Just learning to observe and not react is such a challenge. I think all this work you’re doing before the wedding will really help you on the day of because you’ll be prepared, nothing will touch you, it will just roll right off you. { Cheering you on!!! }

    • Just Some Woman May 12, 2014 at 2:57 pm #

      Who’s going to know? You will.
      Who even cares? We do
      , What’s one glass? One too many

  4. Anne May 13, 2014 at 5:38 pm #

    Just think how much better the wedding will go if you are sober.
    Or perhaps imagine just how disastrous it would be if you aren’t!

    The booze free way is definitely best.

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