It’s been a while, and some milestones have come and gone: four years of having this blog, another road trip, an engagement (yup–me!), my mom’s 70th birthday party.
I’m still working my remote full-time job plus my part-time coffee shop job… I haven’t been doing much personal or journalistic writing, for obvious reasons. And, to top it off, I am sick again. (Problem is, I can do all this stuff, but I don’t sleep well, and I can literally go days without getting more than 3 or 4 hours a night–adds up to me catching a chest cold in the middle of summer!)
All that being said, I am still plugging away at sobriety, recovery, and all the thoughts and ruminations that go along with it. In fact, the other day, my fiance (haha–sounds weird) and I had the same conversation that we’ve been having since I got sober:
Him: You never go out/be social; you’re a snob.
Me: No, I’m not, I just [excuse after excuse after excuse].
It’s hard for me to discern WHY I hesitate to go out, and be social; so, I tried it the other day. And, it reminded me of how effing social I used to be, and how hermetic I tend to be now. And, it reminded me that I AM still social, but I think a lot more about it now *because I am sober*.
I could go into a long post about intimacy, and why I fear the fuck out of it, and how fear of intimacy and introversion connect–but, honestly, I just don’t get it myself. I *think* I don’t like people getting to know me (which boils down to, I have low self-esteem), and I don’t have the energy to be gregarious (or, how I still believe some people want me to be) without alcohol. I’m older now, and the desire to get to know ME above other people continues to drive me, too.
The thing is, it feels GOOD to be out there, to be involved. Which is why I’m literally making myself sick working the coffee shop job–it really helps to stabilize/normalize me psychologically if I’m out there, seeing what’s up and who’s who (I see people, and most importantly, they see me). It helps people trust me, which makes me feel better about myself. I used to have a HUGE mental clusterfuck going on with being “secretive,” and where that ended and my introversion began. Now, it’s with intimacy–where does a learned fear of letting others get to know my “horrible, flawed” self end and a hard-wired introverted nature begin?
It feels good to be social, this I know. So, since getting back from our road trip, I’ve decided to stop bitching and start doing. I’ve been social–gasp–THREE times this week!?!? One night, I went to see a band play with my neighbors, another night I went to a “sound healing” ceremony at a local temple, and tonight, I’m going to see a Ted talks event.
I’ve come a long way toward sorting out all the confusion that getting sober brings when it comes to figuring out how to be and act in social settings–and how to be you, whoever that is now. But, it takes effort to create and maintain a social life. Does that mean I have a bunch of friends? Well, that’s where intimacy comes in, and whether it’s as simple as me just being me and stopping overthinking shit–le sigh, for a different Saturday morning musing.
All in all, still plugging away. And hoping to write more when the dust settles!