I don’t think I’ll ever drink again, but…

28 Mar

10:23 pm

That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel angry, lost, overwhelmed.  Bitter, resentful.  Joyful, too; much joyful.  And content.  Though, I am realizing daily, almost on an hourly basis some days, that I have to cultivate contentment.  I have to make sure I see that there is SO much to be grateful for; that my brain does not have my permission to hijack my mood, my peace, my sense of belonging in this strange sober world that I discovered/created for myself.

I was thinking about my slips here and there over the past 4+ years of continuous sobriety.  I basically got sober in October 2012, drank once the following March (2013), then went over a year until the summer of 2014, when I think I had a beer one day in June, and then a few sips of wine and/or alcohol (maybe an accident, maybe to “test” my waters) at some point that summer; I had a horrendous drunk one night in October 2014, then…didn’t drink again until the following fall, of 2015, when I was away in my new location, working a big-girl job, and pining for “what was.”  I think I drank a couple glasses a couple times, with the final, third attempt in January of 2016.  That was really a dud–sandy and uneventful and sad.  I had two small glasses (I think, something like that, very minor) and was TOTES hungover for the next day.  LOL.

The point is, I haven’t looked back since January 2016.  Not at all.  I’ve realized that I have no interest to try, to test, to wonder.  I think it’s because I did all those things–I tried, I tested, I wondered–and wine didn’t work.  It never worked again.  But, it’s not like I gave up trying, or, believing somehow someday wine would work again.

This time was different:  I think (now that I’m actually taking some time to revisit how I felt in January of 2016 and the fact that I haven’t felt like that since) I just surrendered.  Or, was taken up–like, lifted up.  Like, my higher power–I actually like to think of my higher power as a higher me, a higher self, my best self, some evolved sense of myself as this great and good creature hovering over the pathetic, wimpering “real me” below, living out her day-to day–said, No.  Let it go.  There is no reason.

And, really, I haven’t thought about drinking since then.  The past few months, even, I haven’t considered that drinking would help–and, the past few months have found me feeling quite angry.  Like, all the bad feelings and habitual ego stuff is still right there, very much at the surface, as if I never did any work!  Angry.  So angry.  So angry.  At whom?  It’s like, I don’t recognize myself some days.  Except, I do; I see through the personality bugs and character flaws and negative thought loops to the real me, the me I liked best a few years ago, the one dancing on her self-styled pink cloud/bubble.

I’m not in a bubble anymore, and I admit, I do/can have a lot of negative thoughts and feelings these days.  But, I’m working through them, and realizing that getting sober–close to five years ago–is just the beginning of this strange trip called sobriety.  It doesn’t just keep getting better…without work and self reflection.  However, the desire to drink, in all its entirety, does go away.  No matter how angry or frustrated or trapped I feel these days–and, admittedly, I do a lot–I don’t even consider drinking as a solution.  As something I would even want to do, regardless of its (in)ability to solve my problem or resolve my conflict.

And, holy eff, is that startling to realize.  Like, I don’t think I’ll ever drink again.  And, it’s not like this big revelation that I thought it would be.  It’s more like, a foregone conclusion, one that I’ve been too busy and productive and angry and frustrated and in flux to notice!

Yet, sobriety, and all its work and progress and lessons and maddening ins and outs, continues.  Is it just life?  Um…I don’t know.  I think those who have gotten sober have a newfound perspective on all this life stuff, I really do.  Yes, this is life, and yes, I’m bitching about it here, on my long, but hopefully not lost blog.  But…there’s so much nuance; life is reflected through the prism of sobriety and getting sober, such that we see all these different colors, maybe more colors than people who have never had to deal with all their shit (yet).

Random thoughts on a Tuesday night.  Miss you all, and hope to start catching you up once I remember how to form this whirl of thoughts into words!

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11 Responses to “I don’t think I’ll ever drink again, but…”

  1. despitedysfunction March 29, 2017 at 2:44 am #

    SOBER X 1 YEAR NOW AND I LOVE IT. Keep the faith, there are so many wonderful blessings that come from turning and walking away from alcohol for life.

  2. Nowayrosé March 29, 2017 at 3:42 am #

    I Hear you! 100%
    I’m coming up a year of real truthful sobriety but I first stopped October 2014.
    I am in the phase of accepting no more drinking – like you say it just feels normal and right and my fate but not in an overwhelming way, but dealing with me? My moods? My anger? Sadness – so much sadness! Confusion? No thanks.
    Just don’t have the strength yet.
    Xxxx

  3. losedabooze March 29, 2017 at 4:31 am #

    Hey girl – loved this post. I am going to share the link in a group I am leading called “Lose ‘Da Booze 100 Day Challenge” and I think many will appreciate reading your thoughts as some are in it for the long haul saying they will never go back to drinking while others (like me) are simply looking to ‘better’ the patterns I had with drinking – aiming for 300 or more days without ‘da booze in a one year period and perhaps I’ll work my way up to a full year and see what happens. It’s been great following you and I know many of the members in my group will appreciate this post. Thanks so much for sharing!

  4. AuntieLex March 29, 2017 at 5:54 am #

    Good to hear from you.. Such is the content/unconventional life of an alchie… Your rocking at this thing lady love! So so proud of you… xo

  5. asobermiracle March 29, 2017 at 6:05 am #

    This is the perfect blog for me to read today. Thank you for you invaluable insight. I was really feeling alone with my confusion and anger, after almost a year (tomorrow!) of sobriety. I thought all of the down-feeling days were over, but I am starting to realize that it is just life. I’m just learning to NOT let my brain hijack my mood, my peace, and my sense of belonging. And drinking doesn’t remotely seem like the answer any more. It’s comforting to know that I am not doing anything ‘wrong,’ but that confusion is part of the journey. ; )

  6. Mark David Goodson March 29, 2017 at 10:11 am #

    Take this willingness, bottle it up, and save it for that day when drinking sounds like a good idea again. If you’re like me. It will come sooner rather than later.

  7. ainsobriety March 29, 2017 at 11:15 am #

    I completely agree. The darkness of my drinking days provides a stark comparison to my current, beautiful, messy and joyfully ordinary life.

    I like to think that sobriety has allowed me to recognize just how precious that is.

    At over 3 years sober Every day is an opportunity. Maybe some people always felt that way? I on,y know I didn’t. But all the self care, awareness, therapy and decision to live through a philosophy I deeply believe in, has led me here.

    I still have ups and downs and bad times and good. Shitty things still happen and occasionally I wish I could run away and join an ashram.

    But I am willing to meet life as it is. I don’t believe I will ever drink again, I have absolutely no interest in it at all, but I also know emotional wellness required being gentle with myself and accepting my limits and boundaries. If I make life easier, it is easier.

    It is nice to hear from you!

    Anne

  8. Ginger Groundhog March 29, 2017 at 6:36 pm #

    “The prism of sobriety” oh wow what a fabulous sentence, so clever and a perfect description if ever I heard one. I’m about 11months and on reflection felt very alive, free, philosophical and reflective for many months. Now I feel lost, flat, introspective angry and a bit mheh about it all (I know it will pass, I really do) but it’s nice to read this from you and see in comments that it’s not just me. This is life warts and all and I guess after that initial surge of “I’m free” the reality of ups and downs come back but for me at least, even in the lowest downs I know I will rise again and the feeling will go or even turn around into a positive.

  9. Hurrahforcoffee March 30, 2017 at 2:54 am #

    Sounds like you are in a good place. I was sober for 5 years plus, wasn’t really doing any work on myself I was just not drinking. The first couple of years I was so sure I would never drink again. Like Mark says, that thought comes around again for most of us. As sure as you are now, please, believe me it can creep back in when you’re not looking. I can very much relate to the anger, I had and still have a lot of anger in me. I used to numb it with alcohol and that seemed to make me more compliant but the anger festered and needs to be released.

  10. StephenD April 6, 2017 at 2:31 pm #

    Your words connect. Thank You.

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