It’s crazy how things have changed

1 Jul

1:27 am

I am at home (like, home home) now, with my immediate family, and it’s crazy how *I* am the one, it seems, who is the most sober of all!  And by that I mean, irritated by how much other people are drinking, unwilling to really care about fixing them or holding onto what I cannot change, and um, SHOCKED at how late people eat and how LONG they drink into the night!?  What am I, old?

I watched them all pass out in their beds (or on chairs in the kitchen) while I went up to my room to do yoga and meditate.  (They’re kind of one in the same for me these days; and frankly, I have had such back problems that I cannot go a day without doing yoga and most definitely not more than two without working out…  But, it’s also because it’s just how I MUST DO if I am to remain centered, sober, calm and able to let everyone else’s issues and questions and concerns and gossip bounce off of me!)

So, yeah.  It is crazy how things have changed.  I’m also feeling much more willing, like I said, to accept people for who they are–and not try to change them, and not worry about me changing for them.  Like, someone grilled me about not having health insurance at the moment, and at first I felt bad, alarmed, like, oh, yeah, maybe I should get a catastrophic policy.  I had insurance, but let it lapse–and since then, well, I simply don’t worry about it.  This family member worries about stuff like that; yet, here I am, doing yoga and not drinking as preventive health, and here he is, drinking like a fish and then, downing a pot of coffee the next morning.

I am feeling super-weird about keeping this blog anonymous from my family anymore, but…I realized after talking about my sobriety last night with family members that it has to be the right moment for the reveal–and I have to be extremely ready to explain myself–and it’s not, and I’m not.  So, I keep putting it off…even though it’s starting to feel like a huge lie, a big withholding that equates to a lie.  Then again, I GET to get this; I deserve whatever choice I choose when it comes to my privacy and space, and method for getting sober and somewhat spiritually fit.  When the time comes, I’ll know it.

Till then, um, I LOVE who I have become, and I LOVE what the “right now” is for me; even IF there is extreme uncertainty (which I can deal with, and have dealt with for years as a freelance writer), well, I still have me, I have my spiritual center, I have my sobriety–which is frankly fucking invaluable.  I mean, priceless.  I mean, I’d take no job and no health insurance and a small rental in the middle of someplace that I’m not sure I like living (but am content in myself, so it really doesn’t matter where the “where” is anymore) ANY DAY over having things, and a big home, and “security” (which cannot exist without fear).  ANY DAY.

End of rant.  Good night, my sober friends.  Thank you for being here, with me, all these six years–you have no idea how liberating your understanding and support has been!

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7 Responses to “It’s crazy how things have changed”

  1. mishedup July 1, 2018 at 1:07 pm #

    you know….
    no one my family knows I have, or have ever had, blog
    and, frankly, there are friends of mine outside the blogging community that I wish did NOT know…did not read my blog. I find I censor myself . Sometimes I need to vent and can’t, sometimes i just need to say something ridiculous, that others here will get, and can’t because an alarm goes up or someone takes it personally.
    I wish I hadn’t told anyone.
    And I don’t tell anyone anymore…
    so, food for thought!

    Hang in their, family is hard and you sound so great!

  2. Drunky Drunk Girl July 2, 2018 at 1:55 am #

    You have no idea how good it makes me feel right now, just to read this comment and know that you are out there, that you get it, and that you KNOW that family is hard, that it is not always a good thing to remove the anonymity. Often these days, I censor myself a little bit because I keep thinking that one day soon, I will “come out” as a blogger–omg, then what? I’ll have to go back and delete or edit most of my posts! LOL

  3. Kat T. July 2, 2018 at 12:03 pm #

    No need to tell if you don’t want to… think of it like a diary? You wouldn’t want your family to read that, and maybe not even know about it. Your choices are yours and don’t need explaining! Also… is there any way to work through/curb/deal with the annoyance at others’ drinking? Or should that not be a goal? Thanks, as always, for you.

  4. losedabooze July 5, 2018 at 11:23 am #

    I blog but not as often and not worried if they find it… but what I’ve found to be my ‘saving’ is the secret group I created on Facebook (my Lose ‘da Booze 100 Day Success Group) – there we can let it all out without fear and having the live messages and back and forth is my saving grace. It all started with my goal to do 100 days AF… and I have now done about 4 of them… Currently now on Day 5 again of what I hope is my last go of this alcohol hamster wheel. I’m getting OFF!

  5. Lily 🌷 July 6, 2018 at 3:10 am #

    That is truly amazing. I salute you and am inspired by your courage and serenity 🌷

  6. Lily 🌷 July 6, 2018 at 3:11 am #

    PS my brother has access to my blog, and a very few friends. That’s it. And that’s how it’s staying . I get it 100% 🌷🌷

  7. Ainsobriety July 9, 2018 at 12:40 am #

    I agree with Mished up.
    My family, meaning my parents, know nothing about my blog. I prefer it that way.
    I am not anonymous, so it’s possible they could some day find it, but if so I stand behind everything I wrote.
    My sister does know. And I occasionally tell others about it. But it’s very situational.

    Don’t feel you need to share everything. You deserve privacy too.

    Hugs
    Anne

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