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Oh, hello, 2018!

4 Jan

4:26 pm

Does it feel to others like 2018 has come in so quietly it’s almost snuck in?

This year is going to be all about transitions, crossings, and changes–and, of letting go of the reins, or at least, loosening the grip.

Welp, without much fanfare–and with some anxiety–2018 has arrived.  2017 went fast, flew by, sort of took my breath away; and, I had a feeling it would, when by the beginning of February, I had already flown across the country for work, and was embarking on the first of  several (months-long) job interviews (none of which I was offered, but that’s OK).  In fact, last year was all about searching–pushing and planning and striving and trying SO hard to see…the future.  I took a lot of trips, my favorite, of course, being a solo journey to South America (man, I can’t even believe that happened, what with how the hurricanes have changed the course of our lives)…  All this is to say that, last year was so much about trying to move the Earth, and sort of succeeding, but mostly just laying cable and putting up with all the frustrations that come with trying so hard.

Last year, I think my “phrase” of the year was, move the Earth, or something like that.  I guess I moved it a little bit (I started on a big writing project, and that is the one thing, aside from moving, that I want to get done this year).  I moved around it a lot, that’s for sure.

This year?  Shit.  Let the damn Earth move itself.  Let it happen.  Let it go…

Gratefully, I am bouncing back after a few weeks of pretty intense sadness:  our dog WAS diagnosed with canine lymphoma, and…yup, major tears all around.  Wailing tears, to be exact, for a few days in a row, and then…acceptance.  This is happening, and there is no cure.  He’s only 9, and far too young to be looking like an old dog now, but…this is happening.  We aren’t going to treat him in favor of making his last months somewhat bearable with prednisone (though, that stuff is making him really, really groggy).  I have started him on this weird diet thingie I found online, so I’m hopeful (yay, hope!) that this might turn it around and land us a miracle.  There’s always the possibility of a miracle, I have to believe.

So, there’s that that’s been literally keeping me up at night.  Oh, and we’re moving, too!  In a few weeks!  Like, a big move, across the continent!  This, too, is happening.  We’ve sold my car, arranged for our landlady to buy our household full of stuff (so she can rent our place furnished), and are in the process of getting flights, flight letters for our precious babes (dogs), and all the other stuff that comes with moving.  My job is aight (but, another thing!  it’s ending in March!), and the only thing that sucks about it is that we don’t have anything resembling a good cell service connection at home anymore (thanks for nothing, AT&T), so I have to go out looking for Internet in order to work (and write this blog post).

Mostly, I feel excited, sad about the endings that are coming up, and on edge.  Like, I have been waking up almost every night at 4 am–after only about 4 hours sleep, which is exhausting and maddening–and it’s usually accompanied by anxiety.  Like, dark terre thoughts.  And, the next day, I feel anxious and depressed.  And, it’s made me realize that I have NEVER truly experienced this before, but now I can totally see the connection between insomnia and anxiety and depression!  Like, there is something about waking up at 4 am that makes me crazy–angry, panicky, and depressed the next day.  I cannot control my negative thinking the way I can when I am fully rested.

And, this just makes me remember how I used to get wrapped up in drinking thinking–negative thoughts and thinking patterns that are caused by alcohol, and not a part of me.  I used to think that all my complicated depressive thoughts were of me, but really, they were a part of the drinking.  It’s so hard to see that when you’re not sober; it’s very easy to see when you’re separate from alcoholic drinking.  Anyway, I guess it’s a reminder to be cool, and remember that it will get better.

Just a quick update to say, happy new year and that I’m looking very much forward to watching the Earth move itself in 2018.  How about you?

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Milestones…and fatigue

15 Jun

11:21 am

Wow, I can’t believe how fast time is flying. Which, I suppose, was my goal: keep my mind dial on “future focus” so that I don’t dwell on The Girlfriend, or, so I don’t give her the time (my life) that she doesn’t deserve. And, now that that’s behind me, the future is here, and I have a lot more important things to think about.

Aside from stressing on how I’m going to earn money, though, life has been pretty fantastic–things are unfolding. Moving right along, as a friend recently commented. And, you know, honestly, it’s been so few and far between, the number of times through all of this that I’ve thought, This would be better with a glass of wine. The longer we go in our period of sobriety, it just happens, this letting go of the Myth of Alcohol–we don’t need it.

To summarize the past month or so, many a milestone has come and gone and I’ve just been trying to keep up (on the outside world, let alone on my blog): my brother’s wedding, the “confrontation,” which turned out to be not much of one, with The Girlfriend; our 2-week trip; planning my “voluntouring” vacation (for which I leave this Thursday); my 40th birthday this week (for which I had a surprise party thrown by my brother’s new husband, during their wedding weekend no doubt!); a beach party for my birthday yesterday (for which my boyfriend and I made a bunch of pretty tasty eats); and in between all that, my 450 day-milestone on June 11th and my 2-years-blogging anniversary on June 14th (I started this blog two years ago on June 14th, and have been sober–more or less–ever since).

Throw in a flu last week and, unfortunately, a UTI (ladies, you know the urgency of getting antibiotics started, especially when you have to wait through the weekend for a pharmacy to open up)–well, this girl is feeling like she’s on the inside of a tornado!

Alas, I think that’s how I planned it, y’all. Far, far better to be busy and occupied than to be dwelling, and drinking.

On that note, I have to run. Sorry I’ve been so MIA. I have the feeling that things might get even crazier in the next few weeks, but I will definitely try to keep you up to date with more frequent posts. (Come to think of it, the next one is going to be on unmet needs and a sense of purpose as antidotes to addictive behavior–it’s been on my mind lately.)

I’m back–quick update

5 Jun

11:12 am

Well, I’m back. And, what a trip! We covered 3,000 flight miles each way, and 2,500 in the car! Needless to say, I haven’t had much time to blog, but I’ve been thinking about everyone and wanted to write a quick update.

The wedding went GRAND. The girlfriend ignored me–literally, pretended I didn’t exist/wasn’t in the room (how someone does that for an entire 48-hour period is interesting, I suppose). And, I returned the favor! 🙂

And that was that. I realized almost immediately my error in resenting her and giving her all this power all these years–she is literally powerless, which makes her irrelevant to my life. I have–and always had–the power over my reality. Beyond that, I tried to enjoy me, and my brother, and the family, and my boyfriend meeting the family, and all the amazing food, sites, and sounds!

The ceremony was magical, and I felt amazing–calm, happy, calmer and happier than I have in years. I/we were just…present. Not caring about what she was doing or saying (which was ridiculous, and I’ll blog about it later, but right now, the main word that comes to mind for her is “mentally ill”).

We then went on a week-long road trip through “the West” (of the US), hitting four states, four national parks, and two major cities. Whew. Now, it’s back to work…for two weeks. Because two weeks from today, I leave for a 6-week “voluntouring” trip to another country! If I told you which one, it might blow the anonymity of this blog, but suffice it to say, it’s a neighboring place that’s been in the news lately! I am really excited, having planned where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing, embraced a certain level of emotional and physical uncertainty, and determined my immediate next steps upon return.

I have to say, and this has happened before, when you reveal yourself to the world–your dreams, let’s say–the world responds! I was a bit nervous calling my boss here and being like, Hey, can I ghost on you for the next six weeks to go and volunteer in a developing country, and then, uh, maybe come back to my job? He was not only cool with it, he gave me his “blessing” (his word, which I appreciated so much I am quoting him!). Turns out, before becoming a real estate agent, his thesis work was on similar stuff in the South Sudan. Click. When will I learn? Stop being afraid, DDG! The world rewards–craves–our bravery of spirit and humility of soul.

Back to work. Like I said, I will dish much further on “the girlfriend” later. I must end with this: at the end of the event, I realized one thing, and that is that it is not about her, or him, or them, it’s about ME. I can’t quite explain, but I realized just how much energy I wasted putting any of MYSELF into thinking about the girlfriend’s thoughts of me, or anyone else for that matter. It’s my world, my path, my mind; no one else’s. It doesn’t matter at all what or whether she thinks of me.

Thank you, friends! You were there with me every step of the way this past two weeks.

Day 500–coming up on July 31. No thoughts or desires to drink, btw. Maybe I’ve outgrown it? Maybe, as Belle said, it just takes a longer, continuous period of sobriety to reach greater levels of freedom from the want to drink? Whatever it is, I’ll take it.

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