Is it just me, or is caffeine (coffee, in particular) sort of like alcohol? I mean, in the way I fixate on it, drink WAY too much of it, and regret both after the fact?
I know someone who is in recovery who drinks a TON of it, and I can’t help but wonder, is it because his mood is low (drinking too much alcohol over a long period of time leads to dopamine surges leads to, ultimately, the brain being unable to produce this feel-good hormone in regularly sufficient amounts–leaving you feeling depressed, tired, and unmotivated, to name a few), or if he just does EVERYTHING the way an addict does: too much, constantly, in fear of the comedown/reality.
I mean, I know how much coffee he ingests (I serve him most mornings), and I’m guessing he is buzzed ALL the time, unless he’s sleeping. I’m not THAT bad, but in my own way, I am. Starting to feel that bad.
The thing is, I went for a decade not needing–and finally, not wanting–coffee! I worked, and wrote, and got sober, all without caffeine. Now? I can’t–no, don’t want to–go through my work-a-day life without coffee. And worse? I FEAR not being able to work my coffee shop shift, let alone start freelancing (successfully, at least) again, without coffee. I FEAR being utterly unable to write without coffee. That thought in and of itself scares me.
I’ve got some reconfiguring to do. It hasn’t been easy, stopping freelancing and working this (boring) job, and all the while, slowly but surely becoming addicted to what I see as a roadblock to my creativity. Call me a purist, but I don’t LIKE having to rely on a buzz to be able to think with fire and write with passion. In fact–and, call me a masochist–I think that in order to find true fire and passion, you have to do it sober. And that means, totally sober.
Sigh. Shaking my head at how black-and-white I sound.
Still. I felt proud when I was off coffee. Pure. More me. And, much less afraid. And, ultimately, if I’m feeling all this, and having all this mental chatter about a cup of bean water?
Needless to say, I have to do what’s right for me–even if it sounds crazy to almost everyone else out there who has gotten sober (I don’t know ANYONE who doesn’t drink coffee after they’ve gotten sober).
I’m tired of it. I’m going off caffeine because, well, I FEEL like I “do” it addictively. Not saying it’s bad, or it’s bad to drink it the way I do; I just feel like I felt better, and more positive, and had MORE ideas and energy, without this drug in my system.
I’ll keep y’all posted!