And it feels good.
I’ve been back and forth lately about posting–I know I should, but life gets in the way.
Sometimes (my) sobriety feels like the Blob, just a mass of heavy, hot water hanging around the Pacific, hugging me as if I’m the west coast. Sometimes I don’t even think about it anymore. And some days, like when I was out running a few mornings ago, I just stopped, stared out at the water, let the hot sun draw the sad sigh out of me, and admitted: I will never be free of this sobriety thing, and I don’t know what to DO with it. I feel like I have to do something with it, my past and my struggle to get sober; but I just don’t know what. I can’t get rid of it, and I can’t let it go. What should I do with it? I have no idea, so I keep plugging, hoping that one day, I’ll wake up and know what to do about it.
So, yeah, I’ve stayed off Facebook for the most part (went on a few times and got sucked into my feed, but mainly, if I do log on, I just check “on this day” and my individual pings and user groups), and it feels really…peaceful. My daily life is just easier not having all those other people/places/things in it–they are merely distractions, and since I need all the focus I can get to make the transition that’s coming up, it’s helpful to not have to worry about all that other stuff. I do wonder if this is just another symptom of my increasing tendency to accept being a hermit; though, not being a part of Facebook has…given me back to me. Maybe when I ramp up my science writing again (freelance journalism), it’ll be worth it to get back onto social media (Twitter, mainly), but until then, I’ve realized that I’m not missing out on anything but my OWN life when I log onto “the ‘book.”
My contract was extended, and all I felt when I woke up at sunrise (yep, I continue to wake up at the hour I used to when I was working morning barista shifts) is trapped. WHAT ON EARTH IS THERE LEFT TO DO HERE? I have these moods at very specific times: around 11 pm, I crash and the world sucks and I have done nothing in it; and around 5 or 6 am, I am raring to go, but…there is nowhere to go and nothing to do, and I feel utterly trapped. And, it’s funny because these moods are consistent in content, and occur at the same time of day. Of course, when I wake up, all is well, I feel good, and I tackle the day–and along the way, try to appreciate the outstanding geographical beauty that has become so familiar that it’s easy to let it go unnoticed. It’s just funny, to have these swings of thought, to notice them, and to know that while they’re emotionally (and psychologically) powerful, they’re relatively meaningless.
I need a change; we both do. In fact, my fiance and I have been having serious conversations about moving, and I have been applying for new jobs in different places. Soon come, a change. You can’t rush it. You just cannot. I have a couple of friends who have decided to just move to a city in the Midwest, and, uh, I wish them the best but I feel like they’re doing it out of this desperate need that is so familiar to me–to just CALL THE FUCKING SHOT because you are so sick of weighing your options and feeling stuck. It’s so tempting to just say, OK, we’re leaving this place, we’re moving here, and we’ll figure it out when we get there. I did that in my early 20s, and even my 30s, and, well, look who JUST paid off her student loan debt–at 42 years old. It’s time to be patient, to plot and plan and plod through the tough conversations with spouse–where makes him happy, what are my dealbreakers, and what, really, do we envision for our lives?
It’s so hard, it really is. But, I don’t want to drink in the face of it. I do have the tendency to shut down when the options become too many, but I know that I have to do better, and stick the process out. And, I will. We will. And we’ll be better off for it.
Facebook-free is helping me figure out my life if only because I’m forced to focus solely on it. And, it’s wonderful to see that I don’t need Facebook, that I can live happily without it, and that I am (for the most part) not really missing out on anything. Sound familiar?