Tag Archives: higher power

Depression, purging at AA meetings, and cosmic consciousness — oh, my!

20 Nov

12:51 pm

That’s pretty much all I have to say!

NOT!

Things are still drama-free (in my head), and life (and death) are still presenting themselves at face value, with no hidden meanings and/or tricks up their sleeves. Which is nice. For once in a long time, I feel…a monotony to this sense of peace and calm about being alive and being human. Kind of like I used to feel. Secure in my choices, personal and professional.

Which makes me think, maybe booze DID have a serious effect on my state of mind? Duh. It made me depressed, and what a strange feeling to come out of that, look back, and notice it. It’s subtle, but at the same time, it’s everything. It’s hard to articulate, and it makes me think of my dad, who is struggling with a serious bout of depression — going on 5 years or something. I wish he’d take meds again. Oh, well, not mine to worry about.

Many a thing I’ve been learning in AA, just from listening and identifying:

1. I don’t have to believe — internalize — other people’s anger and/or accusations. I don’t even have to acknowledge them besides letting them go in one ear and out the other. I know me, and I know what I’ve done wrong. I’ve tried making amends with certain crazy-bitch “sister-in-law”-type people, and well, I don’t need to worry anymore about it. Does it/she still piss me off when I think about it? Yup. Do I need to hold onto that? No.

2. AA meetings are place to vent! To purge, as it were. I think I’m beginning to understand the group therapy aspect to it: if you vent your anger, frustrations, difficulties with drinking, remorse, etc. to others who care and identify, you don’t need to bottle it up; which inevitably will lead to drinking, exploding on someone in a drunken tirade, or any other self-destructive behavior. Here’s a spot-on excerpt from a post at October O Nine, with credit to Running On Sober for featuring it in reference to purging at meetings, holidays, and staying sober during them:

We now celebrate everyday and we purge our fears, anger and sadness daily to our sober sisters and live happy, joyous and free. Most Earth People donโ€™t; they swallow their anger, bury their fears and suppress their sadness, telling themselves that soon it will be the holiday, they will have their food, family and drinks around them for the day and everything will be alright in the world. But todayโ€™s expectations are tomorrowโ€™s resentments and they will be into the drinks and that anger, fear and sadness will start to bubble to the surface and whoever is present is going to bear the brunt.

3. I can’t overreact to, control, or fix other people’s problems. I don’t have to care. The last part I wonder about, but I’m feeling like, no, it is NOT my responsibility to care. I WANT to care, most of the time, and I do. I’ve made an effort to be more in touch with my family, to call more, to simply make myself available. However, I don’t have to care if they don’t respond or reciprocate.

4. Meditate. It doesn’t matter if you sit and don’t think, or sit and think; just try. I don’t even like trying to “not think” anymore; I just like to Sit and Be, thoughtlessness be damned. Try anything that takes you out of your head. For me, that’s physical activity; or, working (researching and writing).

5. I think there are a LOT of people in AA who have serious difficulty conceptualizing “God” and “how to meditate,” just like me! After almost 20 meetings in a row (I will miss one tonight; too bad), I’ve realized: there is no one way. There is no one way to understand it. Maybe I’m totally close-minded for NOT believing that a benevolent god oversees our daily activities, but that matters less to me now. I do believe in something — cosmic consciousness is as close to it as I can explain. That is acceptable, as far as I can tell, by AA! What a relief! The thought that everyone in the room simply accepts “God” as a being or some sort of benevolent force — a Biblical God — is now a bit absurd to me. Of course everyone in the room has struggled like I have. It is a process, a seeking, an increasing understanding — present tense, not past. And, totally changing all the time, for everyone.

My boyfriend and I are heading to Puerto Rico today for the holiday. After last year’s major fiascos (Thanksgiving at my brother’s, being sober and feeling VERY self-conscious about it — they asked me not to drink, yet they drank throughout the entire four or five days I was there; Christmas Eve in [cold west coast sity] — another shameful story for another post; New Year’s at my older brother’s, getting shitfaced, blacking out, and screaming bloody murder at my brother and his girlfriend, who is still hating me for it), I SWORE I was NOT doing holidays with the family this year. It’s my gift to myself. And, you know what? I deserve it. I don’t need to put myself through it again.

So…there ya have it! ๐Ÿ˜‰

As for drinking? Eh, I don’t really feel like it, and it’s a consistent lack of desire. WHEW. I never EVER thought I’d feel a reprieve, and here it is. I don’t know if I don’t want to (75%) or I’ve convinced myself that the effects of drinking are shite (25%), but it’s enough to keep me away. I have noticed that the time lapse between romanticizing a drink and thinking about the nonsense that will ensue if I choose to have it has definitely decreased. I don’t have to endure the craving for long, if I apply my mental trick of “avoidance therapy” (my version of shock therapy, I guess). I really hope/pray (ha!) that it’s a mental trick that I can consistently rely on going forward. I also have begun to mentally associate feeling drunk with feeling hung over; my mind is putting a negative spin even on the “high” of the first drink or two. I never believed that my thought patterns could change like this; maybe a re-wiring is happening, but it doesn’t seem to be a conscious effort on my part. AWESOME, big old brain! You ain’t so bad after all. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Coming up on 6 weeks sober this Thursday! Woot woot!

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Life is meaningless! Nothing really matters! I don’t have to drink over it, though.

17 Nov

2:30 pm

First up, I’m happy to report an absolutely drama-free morning. A full morning — swam, meditated, made cornbread muffins, washed my bikinis, pet the dog. Believe me, pre-sobriety, I NEVER would have been able boast about doing any of this, certainly not on a Saturday morning!

I’ve been swimming for exercise, and it’s been helping my sciatica, which has been flaring the past few months. (I think hormonal fluctuations play a huge role, so I’ll have to figure out if there’s anything I can do about that.)

Anyway, the past three days I got up around 7 and was at the local beach and in the water by 8 — YES, PIGS DO FLY. It’s been great for my back and leg pain, great for my arms, great for my spirit, great for my sense of accomplishment and therefore, work, and great for my calm. Each time, I’ve swum for about an hour or more — or, have tried to (the crawl was never my forte, and the salt water is a bit rough).

A lot of peeps in AA talk about how they feel good here, in the water. Floating, or swimming, or just being in it. Or, they talk about how their sobriety is enhanced and/or supported by being outdoors. It doesn’t hurt that we’re in an amazing location — and for me, as I’ve blogged before, the heat and humidity activate my sensual body, which makes me feel much more excited about being alive.

I, too, feel good in the water. Better than good. I feel so small, yet so big, in the water. I feel a PART of the ocean, like I could wrap my arms around it. I feel like it wants me, too; or at least, doesn’t shy away. There is no big old brain — mine or someone else’s — making things weird and awkward. I can Just Relax.

In AA, they say that anything can be your higher power, and mine is shaping up to be the HUNCH (in my scientific and nature-loving mind) that the aliveness — everything alive — on this planet is physically, literally OF ME. We are one. We are wired together, from eons of evolving together, to act and live and “think,” as it were, together. As one. So, no wonder I feel more complete, more whole, more alive — and more at peace, at home — in nature. And, especially in the water! Our ancestors lived in the water; we share, literally, the DNA in their cells. Could it be that those cells, which make up our body and brains, which eventually allow us to think and reason and feel and understand through their cellular activity — those cells remember? That the expression of those snippets of DNA is literally the same, across species and across millions of years? I feel it; we all feel it. What that “it” is, I don’t know.

Last night, my boyfriend and I toured the Etelman Observatory, a previously privately-owned dome on the top of the island that was donated to UVI in the ’60s. Anyway, it was Friday night, and what better way to spend the evening than to hear a lecture and then look through a telescope (yes, through a real lens and not a computer attached to the scope — apparently, a big deal and a real treat for astronomers). We saw Jupiter and four of its moons! Very cool. Very cool also to listen to the professor’s talk about asteroids and comets and meteors, and then see pictures of Earth and our solar system bathed, literally, in debris. Like, we are surrounded by rocks and shit flying around us in space.

What struck me was how very, very, very small we are. And how very, very, very either unlikely or likely that this kind of life — bacteria, dinosaurs, humans, rabbits, whales, ferns, lilies, to name a few — could develop and evolve on a planet other than Earth. Either we ARE unique, which is statistically extremely unlikely, or the right conditions developed and persisted on this planet. Those same conditions could develop and persist and lead to an entirely different range of life forms on some other planet, somewhere, in the Universe. No biggie. I mean, the Universe could give less than a rat’s ass; it is absolutely indifferent. Does this comfort me, or confuse me? Both. BUT, I came away from that lecture and viewing feeling more OPEN to accepting life — and evolution — more at face value.

I think I have always held out hope that Earth is particular, and that we, as humans, have been positioned here for a reason. Ironically, all this talk of a directly-intervening god has helped me to understand “Him” better — that I don’t believe in this at all.

There is no God, per se. There is, however, an “order” to things, a way of life, literally, on this planet. Could it be that all life on our planet is, like I said, wired together? Like all the bacteria in a culture, or, all the fish in a school? Is this why we feel more connected to a larger sense of Being, of Self, I guess, when we’re in an ocean or near a forest, places teeming with life?

This is important to my drinking how? Well, for me, the seeking of a sense of purpose, a sense of self, a sense of fitting into this world, this solar system, this galaxy, this Universe — I need to know where I fit; and when I don’t, I feel lost and empty. Does it matter? Should it? I drink over this. I feel helpless and hopeless about it all sometimes. Why not drink? It takes these thoughts (and feelings) away and swaps in grandiose ideas, emotional waves of goodness, a complete lack of caring about the bigger picture. I need to know that it’s OK for it not to matter — in a good way. I mean, if you’re looking at Earth from another galaxy, does anything here really matter; and if it does, what does THAT matter anyway? ๐Ÿ˜‰

After my swim, I sat there and meditated. I enjoy meditating now; it brings me such relief to be ABLE to sit there and enjoy just sitting there. (Believe me, I’m not perfect, and most of the time, I do think. But, I call it meditating because it is an attempt to just sit there and absorb life without thinking about it.) It’s taken me close to a full year to be able to just Sit and Be. And, I consider that a large step in my recovery from addiction to outside substances for my “happiness.” If you think about how much we, as humans, value our thinking brains relative to how much damage they do to us, to how much thoughts simply get in our way? I would even posit that less thinking, less caring, less wondering is serving me better these days! I don’t have to DO anything — I can, and I want to, but I don’t have to care or feel guilty about not caring about the outcome. That is liberating to me, and it partially explains why I can sit — in relative peace and comfort — and watch the water for hours and NOT want to escape this “not doing anything.”

I am taking someone to a meeting tonight, so I guess I have to go. It’s a beginner’s meeting and I have no other plans, so, why the heck not? ๐Ÿ˜‰ (AA, I love you.)

‘Letting go and letting God’ (cringe) means saying no

14 Nov

4:18 pm

No to a lot of things, at least for me at the moment.

I shared — finally — at last night’s women’s meeting, and the topic was letting go and letting God. Yikes. I get the first part of the sentence — to me it means stopping obsessing and living in my thoughts, which prevents me from doing things, or seeing the world as it is and not how I’m imagining it’s happening TO ME. It’s the second half that I’ve decided to well, let go. WHO KNOWS?

Letting go. Today, I realized that even reading magazines like Vogue triggers me. I’m sure I’m not alone, and I’m lucky to have a few years under my belt to know that douchebaggery and money do not buy happiness. Still, it sort of makes me think poorly of myself. To wonder, what if I had done this, or been that, would I be in these people’s shoes? “These people” meaning, all the people inside this evil book who are richer, thinner, and “happier” than I am.

Presently, “letting go” means letting go of my obsessive thoughts, which ensnare me. The ruminating, the overthinking. Giving up. It’s also as much about letting go of the conditioned thinking that comes with our cultural milieu, here in USA, Inc. For example:

I say no to being “successful.” I give up defining my success by other people’s standards and/or ideals.
I give up trying to stay thin.
I give up trying to stay fit.
I give up caring about your morality, as it compares to my own.
I give up wanting to have kids when I think it’s cruel and unusual punishment — to the kids.
I give up feeling bad about this.
I give up caring what my brother does or says, while he’s under the influence of his girlfriend.
I give up feeling guilty about giving up on this.
I give up feeling lazy because I’m not working 80 hours a week.
I give up feeling unproductive when I don’t get anything on my to-do list done.
I give up wanting a house.
I give up wanting to think buying a house is practical or even smart.
I give up thinking making my brain hurt by doing things it’s not good at is “challenging” and therefore, positive.

I could go on and on, but you get the gist. A lot of our obsessive thinking is a form of rebellion, and let me tell you, bucking the system, rebelling, is NOT EASY. It’s not easy on the mind, and it’s definitely not easy on the heart. It’s why, I’d say, a LOT of us drink/drank. The roots of my ennui, in a way, boil down to my absence of perspective on what’s a healthy way to react to striving/achievement, to success — and what’s NOT. Not to mention, it’s very difficult to make healthy mental and emotional choices when ALL AROUND YOU, EVERYONE IS NOT.

Look at our cities. Look at how people actually “live” in Silicon Valley. Look at what the typical American places value on, builds their sense of self around. You can say, That’s fucked up and I don’t want anything to do with it…but on the other hand, you also have to work within the system, at least for a while, in order to safely exit it.

I don’t know. I’m thinking too much now. When I say, I need to learn how to Turn It Off, it means turn off the TV, the computer, the phone, the city, the chitter chatter of people all around me — my friends and family, those closest to my heart — who are stopping making sense to me.

And, when all else fails, I turn on David Byrne because, well, I find his brand of lunacy more intelligent and more comforting than all the creature comforts and mental salves that I’m supposed to want, to hold on to, to fight for.

I give up!

Weird and Awkward, meet Drunky Drunk Girl

12 Nov

11:55 pm

So, I ended my last post a few hours ago (no, I don’t really have a life yet, but I’m workin’ on it!) with going to a meeting that I had the gut feeling would turn out to be “weird and awkward.” Now, I don’t really mind weird and awkward — most of journalism is weird and awkward — but, I dunno, I wasn’t really looking forward to it.

Well, as it turns out, the meeting consisted of me and Rick, this old biker dude. Talk about weird and awkward. I made the best of it, though, and thought that maybe this was — wait for it — God’s will/way of telling me to buck up, practice sharing to a party of one, in preparation to start sharing some of my insight at “real” meetings tomorrow. Or, it could have just been a weird and awkward thing that makes a funny story later.

It was good, though, to share. I like hearing myself talk, I cannot lie. AND, I don’t feel nervous the way I do in front of large groups. Something happened to me during grad school and I now have what I would call a physical affliction related to speaking in front of large groups. I literally get so nervous that my heart beats out of my chest, my voice shakes, and I can barely get words out sometimes. It happens unfailingly no matter what the group. It never used to happen. It’s horrible, and physically disturbing. Which means, I find it even that much harder to speak at AA meetings. On the other hand, I have NO qualms talking one-on-one to people about my feelings and experiences regarding drinking. So it goes. We’ll see if I can muster the courage to get over my heart palpitations tomorrow — or soon.

(I also met a neighbor who is a radio journalist down here, and we had a good chat, which he ended by saying, “I’m not really sure why I’m telling you all this, but you seem like a good person.” Whatever is happening here, including the weird and awkward AA meeting that forced me to open up emotionally such that I am attracting others, I like it. I’ll take it!)

AA is so neurotic; then again, so am I!

5 Nov

11:27 pm

It’s been too long since I’ve checked in. I spent about an hour the night before last writing a ranting post about how “AA makes me feel bad” and “AA makes me feel like a failure.” Humph. Glad I saved that one to draft.

In the past week, I’ve realized that AA is chock full of neurotic people, and NO WONDER we all drank! However, I can take what serves me and leave the rest, as so many people have told me. And, joining a 12-step group could be done simply for self-improvement’s sake; you don’t even have to be a drunk to benefit from the steps — it’s a way of life, a “moral-religious” philosophy that could be interpreted outside the context of drinking, I believe.

I’ve been to four meetings in four days (I plan to do 90; I said I would, and damn it, I will), and each time, the meeting has helped me. One of three things usually happens: I feel better after the meeting; I’ve met someone new or had a good convo (yesterday, I invited two new women friends on a hike with me after the morning meeting on the beach); or I’ve found yet one more reason to avoid fully engaging in AA, which is probably an excuse to drink (but, it makes me feel safer, so, for now, that’s OK!).

So, I like meetings, generally speaking. Like jogging, I feel better AFTER it’s over. ๐Ÿ˜‰

On the other hand, I dread going. I don’t know why. Wait, yes, I do. I’d MUCH rather be going to an event, a social gathering, a party, to drink wine, ANYTHING but a group therapy session. Therapy is work. AA is work. I dread going, too, because it’s a lot of throwing around of platitudes. People talk in parables and platitudes and it makes me wonder, Do you really have any deeper understanding of these steps and your life sans booze than you did before you got into the program, or have you just adopted the program’s “language?” It’s hard to tell with most people at meetings down here on [beautiful island], as I’d say a good 70 percent are 10+ years sober. Yup.

Tonight, I was particularly irritated by the level of neuroticism in the room. Jesus FUCK, guys. Give it a rest! No wonder you drank! I mean, life is important, but it’s not THAT important. ESPECIALLY YOUR LIFE. God damn. And, the worst: the people who talk seem to have replaced shooting the shit over the bar with shooting it at an AA meeting. There’s a lot of ego in the room, ironically, and a lot of people simply LOVE to hear themselves talk, I guess. (Not to mention, it seems like 80 percent of the people at meetings here are from [cold east coast city], so EVERYONE has that accent…and some particularly [cold east coast city]-y life mantras, like, ‘The world revolves around me and my self-induced melodramatic frenzy.’)

Anyway, the topic was the 11th step, prayer and meditation. The discussion was interesting, but a lot of people subscribed to the idea of God infusing life with a sense of purpose. After thinking about why it vexed me so much, I concluded (for now): as a biologist at heart, I think that is actually short-changing nature! My “god” is nature, is the “is” around us, which consists of us, plants, animals, cells, protons, the galaxies, and all the physical and metaphysical forces within (like, the forces of gravity AND the “forces” of ESP, or synchronicity, or astral travel, or alien abduction). BUT, essentially, I don’t believe that because all this exists, there has to be a reason for it, let alone a sense of purpose for human beings. I think we create a need for one in our minds, and that’s why we also drink. But, that’s the problem with our big old brains, isn’t it?

On a positive note, I came to the realization of how important yoga/stretching is to me, or hiking. Yoga in particular allows me to focus out of my thoughts and into my body, which I also believe (thanks to my acupuncture session back in September — mind-blowing) is the source. The body is the holy ground, and only because you’re a living body can you connect to your higher self, to the higher reality that exists and that some people call God and that I am calling the “is” in this post. I didn’t share this, but wanted to. All in due time.

I could rant on and on, and I can say that I’m really getting annoyed by these meetings. But, I guess I want to see how it ends. I’m giving it 90 days, and then seeing what happens from there. And, I feel really good about that. I also have learned to simply let it fucking go. What happens in meetings stays in meetings, OK? Like passing rain clouds (I ran into one on my hike this afternoon), the meetings pass, the cravings pass, it all passes. And that’s a beautiful thing, actually.

Let go and let…God(dess)?

23 Oct

10:59 pm

Well, folks, I think I’ve actually found some solace in AA. Say WHAT?

First off, island life is grand. I’m getting a feel for how my days will pan out (structure is my friend), I’ve just bought a car (squee!), and I’m really looking forward to building on new ideas, new endeavors (this weekend, we’re going on a tour of the island’s new observatory, seeing a musical — no shit — and fingers crossed, starting to plant a garden on the hill behind the house), and my writing. That’s one of reasons I’m here, right? Mornings are lush, afternoons are languid, and evenings are musical. Why would I want to drink? (Craving red wine as I write this… Le sigh. Never going to change, eh? Gotta believe that one day I won’t want to drink to make the good better, the better awesome, and the grand, super-duper amazing. Shut UP, Drunky Drunk Girl! Back down, wolf!)

Anyway, I’ve been to a handful of meetings now — maybe four? — and, well, they ARE helping. Helping in that one, I usually don’t want to go but two, after I go, I’m really glad I did! Three, it helps to have people on your side. Even though I haven’t called anyone yet, I know that if I wanted to, I have like, 20 new friends whom I could. I know people outside of AA now, thanks to random connections that have turned up as admitted drunks; it’s hard to swing a wet towel on this island and not hit one, though. Still, their support (and my openness about being “in recovery”) combined with the support offered by random strangers at AA; well, it’s comforting to know that they’re watching out for me and caring if I drink or not. Like, really caring. Compared to how I think my brother and dad feel (couldn’t give a rat’s ass), this feels like…a relief.

At every meeting, there’s been one or two things that people have said that really hit home — and that helps. A lot. In a subtle way, I feel refreshed, more committed to not drinking, and well, distracted after meetings. Whatever works, right?

For me, they’re helping in another way, and that’s getting me out there on my own and meeting new people. Getting a feel for the island by getting to know some people outside my boyfriend’s inner circle of friends. I know joining things will help, too, but this first step into widening my social network is nice in that, people can’t really reject you at AA. ๐Ÿ˜‰

(It helps that I have committed to at least 90 days, too; I’m resisting everything a lot less. Though, the more I hit meetings, the more I wonder, maybe it’s the meetings that are strengthening my resolve?)

So, remember how I was talking about this “God” thing last post? Well, I know it’s Step 3 and I’m not even sure I’m sold yet on the program of AA let alone the steps, but it’s been on my mind: how can you say that a higher power helped you to stop, resist, and/or not crave booze? Isn’t that stuff that only your mind, your will, your very body can do? I went to a meeting on Saturday night, and someone said something about having drunk through 15 years of AA meetings before he finally “let go and let God.” He said the same thing I was thinking: OK, all right, let me try this nonsense for ONE day, that’s it, and see what happens. He did it and it changed his life, he said. Could it be that I simply need to just fucking give this shit a chance? (Sorry, I feel like cursing tonight! Higher Power said it’s OK.)

I actually already believe in a higher power, a “glue” of sorts that holds the universe together, and this glue does shit that even the most enlightened mind cannot imagine. I studied biology, and well, some of the stuff I learned about the microscopic workings of the body and nature are pretty surreal; why not a higher glue? So, it’s not hard for me to say, OK, let synchronicity handle it — I’ve experienced things like meeting the right people at the right time, and once you begin to open up to these “invisible workings,” they start to happen more. HOWEVER, I never prayed for a direct intervention; au contraire. I don’t believe in any kind of direct intervention, that’s just religious nonsense to me. Yesterday, though, I was like, OK, let’s just suspend our disbelief for one day, ONE day, and like that guy, see what happens.

That was yesterday morning. We took the dog to the vet and as I was standing outside with him, waiting for my boyfriend to pay the doc — this was about 11 am — I said to God/my higher power, “Higher Power, or whatever, wherever, whoever you are, please help me today. Help me get through the day, but mostly, tell me what to do. I really, actually, am making it up as I go along, so please, guide me and I’ll follow. For real. I have no clue what I’m doing here.”

And from that point, the day unfolded almost ridiculously perfectly, with surprises and accomplishments and well, things just Falling Into Place. I found a car. Yes, a car! I was dreading the ordeal of finding and sorting through all the shit used cars for sale down here, all the while not really wanting to spend more than $3,000. Yet, yesterday morning, my boyfriend found an ad from one of his friends on Facebook selling a used car, we went to take a look, test drove it, and whaddya know, it’s a GREAT little car! And, we’re getting it for under $2,000! I would never have, I guess, embraced an event like this if certain things hadn’t been aligned and if I hadn’t been open to committing to the uncertainty but doing it anyway (how long will I be down here, I could probably spend that money on something else, blah blah blah). Higher Power was like, Shut it, DDG. You’re doing this.

Other stuff just kept happening, too. After the vet, and before the car, we went to look at someone’s moving sale stuff and found a few pieces of essential cookware, stuff I had been sort of worrying about finding down here. (Fretting about where and when you’ll find a medium-sized frying pan and a small saucepan at 1 am when you can’t sleep, from an entire coast away? That would be me.) We stopped at the post office and lo and behold, my boxes that I shipped to myself from [cold west coast city] had arrived! After we dropped them off at the house, we headed out to the beach. En route, we just happened to run into one of our very cool neighbors, so we all decided to hit the beach together. Then, Obama kicked Mittens’ ass in the debate… Dude, it HAD TO BE MY HIGHER POWER, I just knew it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I do think that things fall into place, and believe me, I’ve been planning and arranging and controlling and molding for a few months now. Which, I think, is why the day seemed to have this charged energy — I just let go. So what if the car’s not perfect? So what if I end up spending only a few months here and have to sell off all this new stuff? This and that, blah blah blah, wolf drunk head chatter. Who cares? I just embraced the uncertainty, I guess, of my new life; committed to it. That felt good. I haven’t committed to being somewhere since my last place in [cold east coast city], over two whole years ago. The whole time I was in [cold west coast city], I simply never committed to being there, so avoided things like buying cars. I also completely avoided getting involved in activities, getting to know people, stopping drinking, pretty much life. My life was drinking, if I’m honest. And that took away my ability to even tell certainty from uncertainty, let alone live with it and surmount it by engaging in an actual life.

Like I said, I do believe in a “force” we can’t see, but I believe it works between and among us, not from Higher Being to me. Direct intervention or relaxing into making chioces and following through? Either way, I think sobriety has played a huge role.

Since I’m counting weeks, I’m almost at two again! Woo hoo! (Day 12 today!) And, while Sunday was rough and I pouted for a minute or two, the thought of caving and not getting to the other side — that being the elusive Day 90 — never crossed my mind. NO WAY! I GOT THIS.

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changingcoursenow

A woman's journey to happiness and health

Sober Identity

#Life Coach #50+ Years #Striving #Thriving #Emerge: Growing From Addiction-Starter's Guide" #AfterRehabCoaching

WELL CALL ME CRAZY

This WordPress.com site is about hope, trauma, hypocrisy, and transformation.

A Canvas Of The Minds

A unique collaboration of different perspectives on mental health and life

married to an alcoholic

life with an alcoholic husband

Life Unbuzzed

Rowing my sober boat gently down the stream

ChardonNo!

Original Goal: 100 Days of Sobriety - New Goal: 200 Days

Sober Grace

Finding and practicing grace in recovery

Mended Musings

Healing, Feeling, Thriving

Stinkin' Thinkin'

muckraking the 12-step industry

Sober Politico

Young and Sober, Surrounded by Egos and Alcohol

Carrie On Sober

A blog to help keep me on the right track...

My Healing Recovery

Healing from the inside

The Sober Journalist

A blog about quietly getting sober

mysterygirlunknown

My Desire for a New and Better Life

Arash Recovery

My journey to get back on my feet

Mished-up

Mixed-up, Mashed-up, Mished-up.

The Party Doesn't Leave the Girl

a memoir of sobriety...today.

Good2begone

I'm not really here.

themiracleisaroundthecorner

There are no coincidences.

The Red Sox Saved My Life

A peek into the recovery of another drunk.

1800ukillme

Just another WordPress.com site

The Existential Addict

One choice at a time...

Al K Hall-ic Anonymous

Get With The Program.

thinkingaboutgratitude

How gratitude has helped me stay sober, "one day at a time."

Living Life In Control

A journey into taking control of life and seeing what's on the other side of the mountain

A Life Less Scripted

Adventure Travel

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

UnPickled Blog

How I Secretly Quit My Secret Habit of Secretly Drinking

Out of the Bottle

I Dream of Beaming

Wandering American

Advice and tips on how to travel the world.

To Be Aware

It's all about disbelieving your thoughts

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