8:25 am
Well, it’s now the second day of September–can’t seem to hold onto the days! Happy Labor Day, all.
I’m up early, mainly because it’s so stinking hot here in the mornings, but also, I seem to have recovered some of my lagging (depressed) energy! Thank Jesus to that. I was starting to wonder, am I going to simply be down forever? I’ve been down before, but not really severely, I guess, and not for over a month; my depressive episodes are more low-grade and last a long time. This felt severe, but it seems to have literally lifted.
I’m tired this morning, but you know what? The simple fact remains: I am sober. Wow. Here I am, like it or not, sober. What a great feeling. Being sober is a given, a known. And, I like this given, this known, this certainty, this…solid ground…more than, well, getting to drink. I can’t have both, and I’m becoming OK with that.
I meditated yesterday, and it helped. It was good in that I got to “somewhere else,” which I’m relieved about because sometimes, it takes a lot longer than simply one time. I mean, that someplace else lasted for about less than 10 minutes, but it was enough to make me really want to do it again. I’m actually thinking of taking a “soul vacation,” as coined by one of my friends down here: one month at a meditation retreat, one month volunteering somewhere (like, another country). I can’t wait to move on from “this phase,” which is basically me having no enthusiasm.
I got an email the other day from a friend of mine who says she’s tired of embarrassing (and dangerous, I’d say, if she asked me) things happening when she drinks too much. And, I think she is starting to, you know, exhibit “me”-like drinking behavior, which includes things like drinking for 2.5 days straight and doing alternately wildly inappropriate and bizarre things while out on a date (well, multiple dates with multiple men).
Anyway, she’s going for a Sober September. To “get her shit together.” This is the same girl who, well, I wouldn’t say wasn’t supportive of my getting sober, but I think it put her in a really weird place, questioning her own habits. I also felt like she secretly wanted me to fail, and actively dissed me a little bit at first for the reason(s) behind this. In any case, that’s all in the past, I haven’t looked back, and it’s interesting to see that maybe, just maybe, she’s SEEN the benefits in my life of me getting sober and is using it as inspiration to make some changes in her own that might have a broader effect. I hope it works, and I’m rooting for her!
Well, I think it might be time for a nap. It’s a little past 9, and I’ve already made coffee, showered, threw a load of laundry in, did half my bills, wrote this, and opened a few browser windows to look up Vipassana retreats! Cool beans, eh? Thank you, sober me. You did it. You’re doing it, I should say.
(And, man, did I really, really, really want to drink on Saturday night, but the few tears I did cry made me laugh at how silly I was being. The music didn’t hold sway over my feelings, I got dressed, I did my errands, and I came home, feeling for once (in a long time) peaceful and creative-I-don’t-care-what-happens kind of creative. I read, I listened to a The Decemberists Pandora station (do they play any Decemberists anymore on a Decemberists station?), and went to bed feeling like I was 19 instead of 39, like the world was ahead of me, like I was ageless and free. It’s these moments, when you tackle the craving and actually GET SOMETHING of wonder, and peace, in the end; it’s these moments that make it worth the effort, that offer a glimpse of–gasp!–the liberation ahead.)
Drunky Drunk Girl 
YAAAAAAAAAY!!!! You’ve been on my every day DDG. This very, very good news. You made my day. *: ]
On my mind is what I meant. 😉
I like your description of feeling ageless and free…that seems like a nice way to be. I am glad you are feeling better about living sober. I never realized how hard it would be sometimes, and I’m just starting. Wow. A meditation retreat sounds amazing! Peace, Jen
Good for you. The days will add up to many months then years then more and you’ll look back and laugh at it all. You’ll find no (or at least limited) temptation and wonder what was the issue in the early days. At least that is where I now find myself.
Hooray for you! I’m very pleased to hear you’ve turned a corner on the depression, and congrats on being the inspiration for your friend. That’s pretty darn cool all around. The “soul vacation” sounds like a great idea! Vispassana or some other retreat might be just the thing to feed yourself, especially when the super-achievement stuff isn’t quite cutting it for you these days. Best of luck with it.
I’m a big fan of meditation. I really need to do it more 🙂
The vacation idea sounds cool. It’s been 10 years since I have left the country. I miss traveling dearly. My desire to get overseas and visit my friends is one of the many things that inspire me to stay sober.
Hey! That’s great that your “friend” notices the positive change from entering the world of recovery. It must feel good to see her, in a way, look up to you.
I’ve had a few similar experiences my self. One of my old roomates/drinking buddies is now living with me because he’s seen how much I’ve changed in a positive way. We’re both 5th-year college seniors and he wants to slow down the partying. He might even quit.
Keep up the good work!
Those sweet, sweet moments of victory are the ones we face alone. The ones when only we are looking. The ones where we made the loving choice. Good stuff DDG.
Sending over my love, Lisa
Ah, just another reminder of what I’ve experienced so far: the people who are most weird/negative about us quitting are *invariably* the people who have a problem themselves – without exception. I’m sure you have set an example and inspired her and that’s actually super motherfucking cool. So good for you too for not being smug or ‘see how it feels’ about it but getting in her corner. She’ll need you.
You definitely inspire me too babe. And, it’s funny, reading your posts sometimes makes me think about the ‘yets’ because I relate to so much of what you’ve said about your drinking but I think you had gone a smidgeon further than me before you quit. Like, I never got arrested or had multi-day drinking binges etc. And it makes me think, no, it’s not that I wasn’t “that bad” as Wolfie would have me to think, it’s that you were just one step further down the same path. And that is sobering indeed, pun intended.
So hell yeah – go sober you!
Unicorns!
UNICORNS!
Yes, I never in a million years would have thought I could have let myself do all those things–they still seem surreal. (Probably because the actual events almost always happened in a blackout, so I literally have no memory of them.) Like, here I am, an otherwise “successful” person, but so many out-of-character, and horrible, things HAVE happened while I was blacked out. These days, I feel a million years away from the mindset I was in, but at the same time, I don’t.
So…yeah, my whole concept of “alcoholic” is not about the severity of what you’ve done, or how much you drank–thought that is part of the problem, that is IS progressive–it’s about how you drink. I mean, I did some (most?) of those things after having only drunk 1.5 or 2 bottles of red. In other words, it’s not about amount, more about where you’re at, and how you’re using the substance.
Whew. I am feeling much better these days, ready to take on life again, in a way. More on that in another post.
HUGS. I hope you’re passing over that post-100 days hump. About now, I’m not even thinking about drinking-as-fix anymore, which is quite bizarre. I’m thinking more about what I need to get done “in time,” and wine just does not fit into that equation. I’ve thought about moderation, but…I just don’t know how I could ONLY drink 1 or 2 glasses of wine in a sitting. We’ll see; right now, I’m OK with just keeping things as is (and that includes maintaining my cool when I DO start to fixate on drinking as “cure” for boredom or “fix” for lack of whatever in my life).
Don’t get me wrong – I’ve certainly done some stupid crazy destructive shit when drunk and particularly when in partial black outs. But some of the more extreme consequences I read about around here hadn’t (yet) happened.
The thing is though, there was enough that I could imagine in time how they could and that is terrifying to me. Like, things like drinking first thing in the morning or drinking for days on end seem horrifying but I’ve learned enough about the progressive nature – and experienced it myself – to see how it may have been only a matter of time before that stuff started happening and, worse, became normalised. I’ve mentioned before that I had a huge weed addiction through much of my 20s and I used to wake and bake daily (and continue to smoke all day) for YEARS. So how is that any different really than drinking at 9am? And I look back on those days and think WTF? Surreal is the word for me too. How did I maintain that so long? How did I manage to also work, have a life, have (dysfunctional) relationships etc? Crazy.
Isn’t it amazing how much one can accomplish and how ‘successful’ one can be – even in the midst of hard core addiction. So many famous examples of this too. It’s kind of mind boggling. In a way you can take this as testimony to just how smart, capable and talented you are – that you could pull off all that shit while drinking heavily. And how much more will you be able to achieve now you’re clear headed? (And yes, I know you’ve been struggling with motivation but it will come back in time – it really, really will. And I seriously doubt booze is the key to getting it back – or at least not without way too much other defeatist crap.)
I think moderation is a joke for us hon. I mean, can you *really* ever see yourself having one or two and not going ‘oh fuck it’ and carrying on? I might manage it on occasion but it’d never last. When I think about drinking it’s never one or two – it’s about a bottle or more.
I mean, who knows, I think there are people who probably confound the expectations – there are always exceptions in life. I just seriously doubt I’m one of them. For me, anyway, I think it’s a fantasy I have to just let go of.
I think I’m getting past the post-100 hump now. It’s been a struggly patch to be honest. But I’M STILL SOBER!
And that, at the end of the day, kicks arse. 🙂
xoxo